Emotional Abuse Support Group

"A certain amount of anger and resentment toward an ex-partner is normal, but beware of the man who is very focused on his bitterness or who tells you about it inappropriately early on in your dating. Be especially cautious of the man who talks about women from his past in degrading or condescending ways or who characterizes himself as a victim of abuse by women. Be alert if he says that his previous wife or girlfriend falsely accused him of being abusive; the great majority of reports of abuse are accurate. When you hear that another woman considers him abusive, always find a way to get her side of the story. Even if you end up not believing her, you will at least know the behaviors to watch out for in him, just in case. Be cautious also of the man who admits to abusing a former partner but claims that the circumstances were exceptional, blames it on her, or blames it on alcohol or immaturity.

Be cautious of the man who says that you are nothing like the other women he has been involved with, that you are the first partner to treat him well, or that earlier women in his life have not understood him. You will be tempted to work doubly hard to prove that you aren't like those other women, and one foot will already be in the trap. It won't be long before he is telling you that you are 'just like the rest of them.' His perceptual system ensures that no woman can be a good woman while she is involved with him."

From "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/ 0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1340140293&sr=1-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that+inside+the+mind+of+angry+and+controlling+men

This is so true. My ex used to tell me he doesn't hit women because he watched his mom being abused when he was little, except for one girlfriend who pushed him to far. He only hit hurt once and he regretted it.

I always thought it was her fault for provoking him because he wouldn't dare do that to someone he cared about because his mom was hit but in time...I found out otherwise.

True. My bf always said his ex was crazy (but yet he's let her come back home numerous times!!) and a gold digging wh)re. She bleached every single pair of his clothes and stole his truck at work once. He admits to slapping her once but only because she slapped his mom first. Now... I can see why she would be driven to destroy all of his clothes. He's NEVER physically hurt me so I don't know the true nature of his physical abusiveness, but certainly not sticking around to find out.

Amazing how we look back and see all the warning signs.

Sometimes you don't have to be physically abused to be driven to that point.

I was never a violent person but I remember my ex pushing me to the point that I threw a ceramic plate at his head and a dining room chair.

I can certainly see someone bleaching paints. It just gets to the point that you have to release the pain somehow. It might not be the healthiest way to do it but it's understandable.

I guy I don't even know started talking to me on a social networking site about his ex and messed up she was, how I can make him laugh and no other woman can, asked me out on a date then when I said no, said it wasn't a date really and that he wanted to show me how a woman should be treated.

A couple of months ago, I would've been flattered and wanted the attention. Thank goodness I can see the red flags! Talking about his ex makes him look like a victim. Why can't any woman make you laugh? What's wrong with you? He asked me out twice after I already told him no so clearly he has no respect for me or my boundaries and is only thinking about himself. Abuser or not, no thanks!

But this was one of the things that kept me silent. And still does. If i share that my partner was abusive, dont I look like an abuser?

That one is hard for me. Can someone dissect this ? It makes me silent a lot. I just had a very mellow friend-date kind of thing and was open about the abuse because i wanted the date to know that i was not really looking to date yet and it wasnt personal, as he seemed really nice-- and we had been talking about social work anyway, because we are both interested in that topic. I feel like when i say there was a lot of abuse, that it somehow makes me look bad. Someone debunk this one for me!

Post edited by: starrybook2, at: 06/19/2012 06:26 PM

I agree. When I tell people I don't have custody of my children, they must be thinking that I'm a crackhead prostitute because why else would I not have my kids. That's probably what I would be thinking if I didn't know any better.

I've read here and my counselor said that I should be abuse free for two years before I start dating again and I totally agree with it. I need to figure out who I am and what I want from life not to mention boundaries, self-respect, and what I deserve to have in a relationship. I fully believe that if I dated now, I will attract another abuser or at best an emotionally unavailable man. I'm a mess right now. No man worth having will want me.

You can tell a man you're not ready to date and leave it at that without having to say a word about abuse. You can say that you went through a tough relationship and are takin time for yourself. The guy's reaction will tell you all about him. My counselor reminded me that what I went through is only a chapter in my life and not to get wrapped up in my story.

I think that the longer you are aware from your abuser, your perspective widens and you see there is so much more to life which makes the abuse not worth mentioning on a casual date.

I think sharing personal information like that right off the bat might scare some people but if you start to get into a more intimate relationship then maybe be able to share more of it on a personable level. I think sharing too much right away might scare some people off.

You are however, not an abuser! You are a victim!

I think you can just say you had a "bad relationship" and leave it at that until you get to know the person better. It isn't any of their business at that point anyway!

oh i wasnt worried about scaring him off. I really brought it up because we were talking about the subject in general honestly. It was a casual date but it was in kind of an intimate setting, and it just felt natural to admit that is where i was coming from. We had been talking about the feild of social work and why we were interested in it. We'd discussed compassion and racism and other things that were moving to us. He talked about a recent artistic crisis and therapy.. i talked about being in an empowered place after leaving an abusive relationship and still trying to find my feet. He was really understanding and yet he didnt do any classic "I'll save you!!" maneuvers.. it actually felt like a good way to find out more about him. I dont feel any better saying i left a "bad relationship" anyway-- it still seems to leave the same questions. "why was it so bad?" etc

And, i kind of want to be able to weed out anyone in my life right now that can't handle the fact that I am coming from this place.. .i have already spent 5 years hiding the abuse. I dont want to hide it anymore. It really is who i am at this juncture. A woman who is recovering from abuse. If i had just left from 5 years of military service on a tour of duty, and had PTSD from that, i wouldnt hide that either, you know? I am not wanting to get into all the nitty gritty on the first date or anything. But my PTSD makes it hard for me to make eye contact. I get self concious about that because i wonder if the other person thinks i am being cold , aloof, or not interested in what they are saying.

However, i appreciate fully where you are coming from with just saying "it didnt work out" and leaving it at that . I just dont even care if i scare someone off right now because i am not "looking" --- i want to be this particular guy's friend.. i did get along with him well and it seems like some more dates might be nice, just really casual, nothing intended.. he also is not looking for a relationship so it just seems kind of laid back and cautious and good for some company and someone to go to things with instead of having to do everything alone, in this society where you are supposed to always show up in twos.

However, regardless of my current place in it... i do always wonder about this "red flag" if i dont want to be silent about the abuse, and speaking about it makes me seem crazy/abusive... that seems unfair to me as someone who has had to be silent for so long...do you know what i mean? it seems dishonest and manipulative to try and not scare people off , too. but i could be really really off. that is why i like hearing your opinions......