Ok so my mom and I took the kids to a nearby drive in theater last night...beside having her complain about my driving(she is a gas pedal/slam on the brakes driver ....I adjust speed via gas pedal if possible..my abuser complains about this too..so maybe I am wrong or at the very least annoying when I drive or they are road rage-aholics..idk) it was a fun night. Thanks to my insane father and my equally insane husband I have it drilled into my head that anybody with a penis that talks to me wants 'in my pants' ...so when the gentleman in the car next to ours popped out to chat during intermission.. I am thinking how bold this guy is hitting on me with my kids and my mom right there....because it close to impossible for me to believe men can talk to women without some expectation of sex...it's not a conceit thing..it's my father and husband talking in my head(though at least my dad countered with no man likes fat girls so one will ever love you to keep me grounded) ...this was the first time I grabbed hold of this issue and examined it instead of telling myself I missed out on some important socialization growing up...so I have been tearing myself up over that since last night. So even in death(my dad) and divorce...the abuse lingers...and continues to affect thoughts and actions. I had a phone interview with a bank today and a face to face interview on Tuesday...which is good..I've done the same thing in my past...they are going to like that I have held a securities license and can easily obtain another(if they can get past my current credit report)...but this is a part time position that offers benefits on the first of the month following the hire date....but now I have to figure out whether or not I will lose medicaid over this if I get the job....and I am kinda mad over that...in addition to the possibility that I may have to get creative with going back to school..if I can even swing that around this job. I had to have an ultrasound a 10 days ago(they spent 45 minutes looking, measuring and marking)and not telling me anything except that the doctor would receive my results the following Monday and would be calling and the Dr is calling me in to discuss the results on Friday...due to the very short time frame compared to their reactions to other tests(i.e. 6 months to tell me I am vitamin deficient) I am concerned...though my pap smear in December was ok...uterine cancer runs down my mother's side of the family....as soon as I could after separation, I went on the pill just for sake of having some control over my body after having none for the last 10+ years with my abuser using the threat of pregnancy to 'tease or torment me'...my youngest son was a complete surprise to me..my abuser said I was asleep when he did it ....that was the main reason..the second reason was out of control periods. I got one doctor in the practice to RX them the other doctor pulled me off of them 6 months later because I am 40, my weight, family cancer history, etc...so even though I haven't had sex since the separation I am freaking out over not having protection...but I guess if they found something early enough via this ultrasound before giving me an IUD...maybe it'll be worth it. I think it might be time to hunker down and try to find a therapist closer to home. |
