Emotional Abuse Support Group

My abuser's best friend used to live with us for about 5 months. We needed the extra money and he needed a place to be while he transitioned out of town. I also secretly thought if he moved in with us, i would be safe, and my relationship with my abuser would have "a chance to improve and become better" under the pressure for our behavior to remain good. Well that didnt happen, the abuse just became quieter.

The friend moved out of town about a year or so ago. He is a dear friend of mine too but i was willing to let my friendship with him go for the sake of remaining no contact with my abuser. He just called me today saying he will be in town next week and he would love to catch up. I havent really talked to him since I cancelled my wedding last June. He had moved, and at the time i thought my abuser needed an ear, even if he was going to fill it with BS.. i just didnt want to get into the business of talking to his best friend ...

I trust this person to mean well-- he isnt trying to get in the middle of anything at all, i think he has a real friendship with me and doesnt want to see it go, and has a "normal relationship" view of what happened with my abuser and i because I have not shared my story with teh friend. My abuser has shared plenty.

I want to see this friend. I did tell him on the phone today that I am absolutely no contact with my abuser and that if we hang out, i am sorry he has to be in the middle of that, but i don't want to run into my abuser, and i don't think it would be comfortable for me if he visited my abuser the same day (he is only in town for a short time)

He told me he does not feel in the middle and it is okay if i talk to him about anything I want, that he is here "for both of us" because he thinks we are both awesome and he would never judge us.

I told him that what made me finally go NC was that my abuser started a relationship with a 21 year old before i even got out the door-- and the friend said "yes, there are so many great things about him, but this one thing he seems to do over and over, and its awful, and I just dont get it" This friend is also friends with the girlfriend before me. So I came in to their picture and broke HER heart, see what i mean? So this friend is referring to that. I told him, yes, i understand soooo much more ( thinking of the abuse) of her feelings at that time, and i feel terrible about my role in that.

ANYWAY. what is the tactful way to tell this friend about the abuse? I want to tell him because i think its reallllly lame that abusers get to hide this stuff from their friends, and continue to get the social passes they get--- in my case, the abuse was so hidden, and we are both kind of social and people thought we were "SO IN LOVE' and we did too... so when I have shared it, it has been hard for some people to hear. Its just shocking. But i want to tell this friend how i thought him moving in with us would stop the abuse. That was my reason for wanting him there, in the bedroom next to us. In that period of time, my abuser simply sat on me shook me and called me names in a whisper instead of yelling.

I have no idea what my abuser has said to the friend though, and i dont want to essentially risk breeching NC by hearing my abusers tapes coming out of my friends mouth. It feels just as bad thinking i have to continue keeping my side of things silent though. This is a close friend of many years.. what do you guys think? I think he will be nice to me, but i just dont know if i should talk about it?

Post edited by: starrybook2, at: 06/06/2012 12:10 AM

Post edited by: starrybook2, at: 06/06/2012 12:15 AM

Oh, I don't really know. I know that I struggle with that too. It seems abuse victims need validation for their leaving and establishing no contact. I have lost several family members and friends due to this and when they ask me, I just tell them that it is between him and I and we know the truth. I don't want to badmouth him and stir up a hornets nest because I feel like it is risky and it might stir up emotions. Also, I feel like I don't want to have to defend myself and deal with the old feelings again. I am just trying to be satisfied with having people on this board understand what I went through and going to dv group counseling to receive validation. I kind of feel like the person I really am looking for to validate that I am not crazy and that I was abused is from my abuser and we all know abusers would never admit that.

You can try to tell him but it has been my experience that people don't really care.

I guess what do we expect them to do?

Everyone has a different relationship so even if you do tell him it won't necessarily make him feel any different towards your ex.

My experience has been that my husband needs to have codependents all around him.

He chooses people that will give that pass and that will cater to his needs.

The type of healing and conclusions we come to in the end relate more to us than getting other people involved.

I happened to tell a neighbor our story lots of the patterns not from just my husband but his entire family and after all these years having someone finally believe me feels weird.

I almost feel guilty for letting the secret out.

She suddenly sees a different side to this family and their behavior that she is reporting back to me and it feels weird.

Finally someone who believes me and supports me feels weird.

Where to go from here I don't know.

I am working on husband and his behaviors.

At the moment it is paying off but I know long term it is his value system and mentality that is most likely permanently skewed. I'm doing everything I can to prevent that type of programming to be passed on to the kids.

At my expense basically.

Good luck but take a moment to think about what we are really doing when we reach out.

It's good to have support when they continue to support and put the abuser up on a pedastal after it feels defeating and can hurt us even more.

It's like a slap in the face or a message from society that are feelings and well being is insignificant.

Post edited by: damselndistress, at: 06/06/2012 06:29 AM

First of all, never feel guilty for the abuse you've suffered. Abuse is something that happened TO you, not because of you.

Secondly, I decided to tell a friend about my abusive relationship once and I opened the conversation by saying, "Do you know what domestic abuse is? Well, that's what I experienced with Tim." From there, I let her ask questions and I answered them as honestly as I could. I looked at it as a chance to educate her on a subject she had no firsthand knowledge of.

Be sure to tell your friend that you are still healing and in counseling (if you are), but resist any attempts on his part to bring about reconciliation or understanding of your abuser's actions. He does not know what an abuser is or what an abusive relationship is. Advice that you would give a normal couple who had normal relationship problems is a disaster when applied to abusive ones.

If he attempts to say something like, "Well, I'm sure you misunderstood Bill" or "Bill can get like that when he's under a lot of pressure," just nod your head, smile, let it go and change the subject. You are not there to debate the subject, get advice or employ him as a mediator. You are there to tell him your experiences and THAT'S IT.

Don't make that the sole focus of your conversation either. Make a mental list of other topics to discuss and have a few subject changer questions ready should you need them.

This is what happened to you. Your experiences and feelings are valid. You made the right decision for yourself. You don't need validation from him or anyone. When you are telling your story to him, imagine that you are telling it to a reporter. Whatever his reaction is to it, that's his problem. If he doesn't believe you, that's his problem. If he thinks you over-reacted, that's his opinion.

He is just one single person, not God. He has his own problems in his life, his own baggage from the past and his own skeletons. He is absolutely no better than anyone else walking around on this planet and he is certainly in no position to judge you.

Post edited by: Meg1129, at: 06/06/2012 08:06 AM

Oh wow...I'm not sure I could trust anyone who was still that close to my abuser...friend or not. In my case without even knowing about the abuse....anyone who is still friends with him after watching what he did to me and the kids after the separation and stand by watching as he abuses the GF telling him he is a great person...is probably not someone I need to waste my energy or words on...though I do still feel an strong urge to label him(which again anyone still rotating in his orbit is not going to 'hear' the truth anyway) and because of that I avoid going to stores where they all live to avoid possible confrontation ...I would just give them something to run back and report to my abuser.

I did get sick of my MIL trying to friend me on FB(she told me how wonderful we were together and was sorry that it didn't work out only to turn around and congratulate the GF on the great catch and many happy years together) I later found out that my MIL was aware of the GF for years. So about a week before I blocked her on FB I sent her a link to anonymous post I made on a forum describing a particularly bad incident..rape, attempted murder) and that was the end of the friend requests and all other contact with me...though it did strengthen their relationship since she and her 'creepy touchy feely around the grandkids' new husband are now allowed to visit again after my abuser had banned them for 2 years.