A close friend of mine "Rosie" recently became sexually involved with one of her friends "Jim." Rosie is 24, Jim is 28, and I am 27 years old. Rosie has a sister "Deb" who just turned 21.
When Rosie and Jim first met about 4 years ago, she was dating another guy. He was significantly older than she was and was living with her in her parents‘ basement. They fought often, and Rosie has said she always ended up blaming herself since "He was crazy and I always just ended up feeling bad for him." Eventually he hit her, and when she hit back he actually called the police on HER. This was the end of an abusive relationship that dragged on for 5 years, during which time she met and possibly had an affair with Jim. She soon after had another relationship which lasted 2 years with another emotional abuser. This one ended when he cheated on her with Deb‘s friend while Rosie was on vacation.
This brings me to Jim. When Jim and Rosie met, Rosie says they knew there was an attraction. But since she was taken, what Jim decided to do was to start having sex with Deb. Jim was in his mid twenties and Deb was 17. He never let his relationship with Deb become formal, they both saw other people, but it continued for about 4 years. As soon as Rosie became available again, Jim started completely ignoring Deb so he could have the one he had really been after all that time.
Rosie said to me that "he was dating her since she was the next best thing to me, and since they were never official its okay for us to be together." I think this is just her rationalizing and that in fact he was dating her sister so that he could make her jealous and so that he could be around Rosie all the time.
To make matters worse, Jim was caught driving drunk about a year ago. He lost his license, then continued to drink and use drugs and ended up in county jail. Rosie has been drinking too much since her last breakup while Jim is now dead sober. They ended up sleeping together one night when she was over at his place, piss drunk. To me, this is date rape.
Rosie seems to have very few other friends and seems to obsess over the men in her life. In fact, other than nights at the bar she never seems to spend time with anyone other than him which I believe is Jim‘s intention. She is a very caring person and is always happy to do kind things for others, and men take advantage of that fact. Since Jim cant drive a car anymore, she chauffeurs him around to work, AA meetings, etc. I have never heard him thank her for this and he contributes no gas money. She often cooks for him as well, which he also never thanks her for and never pays for. She is stunningly beautiful, and most of the men she knows only seem interested in one thing. I feel that Jim is no exception.
I have feelings for Rosie as well, but we‘ve only known each other for about half a year, during which time she left her ex-boyfriend and not much later ended up with Jim. She and her ex broke up on Valentine‘s day of all days, and Rosie came to the bar where we all hang out, more drunk than I‘ve ever seen her. All the men were trying to get her to go home with them, and she turned them all down, making some of them quite angry. When last call was coming, Jim got a ride home from a friend, laughing at how drunk Rosie was and leaving her there to fend for herself with no ride home. I was about to drive home, when I saw her at the bar with a creep on either side and decided I had to do something about the situation. I stayed and offered her a ride, offered to buy her a taxi, got the female bartender to offer her a ride, but she refused it all and decided to walk home alone at night. I couldn‘t let that happen, so after a while I drove around and found her on the road. She let me take her home. She thought I was trying to sleep with her, and she didn‘t mind but I did the right thing and did not take advantage. She passed out on the couch, I drove home.
Ever since that night, my feelings have been getting stronger and stronger. I value her friendship very much, but I don‘t want to be the same kind of pig as Jim, hanging around as a "friend" when really what I want is to be with her. I want to warn her about Jim and let her know that he is a typical abuser, but I am afraid that she will think that I‘m trying to steal her for myself. I want to do the right thing and I want this to be her choice, but I think that he is manipulating her in such a way that she will never get to make a choice, only give in to his pressures.
Can anyone help me figure out what to say? I don‘t want to insult her or make her feel stupid or dirty for being with Jim, but I truly believe that he is taking advantage of her and that it is wrong for her to be with him. She has unknowingly allowed abuse to go on for far too long in the past, and I think she is about to make the same mistake again. I've asked every woman I know what I should do, but none can help me so I'm turning to the online community. Please help me help Rosie!
