Emotional Abuse Support Group

Hello. I have a question and am not sure where to turn. My brother divorced his wife over 7 years ago. Together, they have 2 sons, one who is my brother's biological child and is 9, the other being my brothers step-son who is 25 and has been out of his mothers house for 7 years. I also have a 7 year old niece. My brother has residential custody of the kids, but they share joint custody. The mother is emotionally abusive towards these kids. She calls thems names, tells them they are worthless, tells them that their father doesn't love them, threatens them and says that if they ever do anything with my brother's current girlfriend, they will be in big trouble. His ex wife controls every aspect of not just the kids lives, but all of our lives as well. She complains to my brother that my sister screams goodbye too loud when she picks the kids up from our house, and she takes that out on the kids, which has resulted in a fight between my brother and sister and they haven't spoke to each other in months. My brothers girlfriend, with whom he has a daughter with, takes care of these kids when he is at work, and she is not allowed at any functions for these kids for fear of what their mother will say and do to the kids later. These kids love my brothers girlfriend, but they are also terrified to be around her. My niece is told my her mother that she better never find out that my brothers girlfriend brushed her hair or she will be in trouble. Their mother keeps a timer with her when she picks them up. If the kids are not out 2 minutes after she gets there to pick them up, they get in trouble. The kids get hysterical and start crying and shaking if they break something, drop something, spill something or lose something that there mother gave to them. We try very hard to calm them down, but it doesn't work. All they say is that their mom is going to be so mad. She has called my 9 year old nephew a little bastard and told him that he is worthless. The ex wife has tried to kill herself, resulting in a couple day stay in a psychiatric unit, which she was then released and given the kids back and she has tried to run my brother over with the car. He has filed police reports against her and has restraining orders again her, but nothing works to stop her. The kids have seen a psychiatrist, but she has refused permission for them to see him anymore. My niece has even drew pictures of herself being sad at her moms house and happy when she is at our house. But, they do seem to love their mom. My nephew has even texted my brother telling him every bad thing she is saying to them when they are with her. We do not know where to turn or what to do. From our understanding, it will cost a lot of money nobody has to fight her on any type of custody. Does anyone have any ideas of where we can turn? Any help would be appreciated.

Thank You

I have a couple of suggestions for you. First, called your local department of child and family services and report her anonymously. She may not be physically abusing them, but mental and emotional abuse is just as damaging. A recent article in Scientific magazine talked about how researchers discovered that the brain reacts the same way to physical abuse as it does to mental and emotional abuse. In other words, it's all the same to your brain.

Secondly, call a private attorney and discuss what rights your brother has with regard to getting custody at this point. If he has no chance for that, ask the attorney what other options you have. Most attorneys don't charge for consultations so you can consult several. You don't have to hire anyone.

Thirdly, I'm not sure from your letter if you have kids, but if you do, ask your own pediatrician's advice. He/she will undoubtedly know many more resources than you do because peds deal with child abuse almost every day.

Wish I could give you more options, but these are a good start I think.

Thank you for your reply. Those are good to ideas to start with. We have spoken with the pediatrician and he has told us to do the counseling. As far as her stopping the counseling on the kids, the doctor says to go to court. When looking into court, one lawyer said it would cost thousands upon thousands of dollars to just start the process, which we are trying to figure out how to come up with this money, but not having much luck. Even thier psychiatrist told my brother he feels they need more time with him and he was going to call their mother and talk with her, but as far as I know, nobody has heard anything back. Thank you for your ideas!!!!!

Well, in that case, I think you have no choice but to report them to Child Protective Services. These kids are being abused and that needs to be taken seriously. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't think you are being abused unless you are being beaten up, but that's not the case. You may have to become tireless advocates here, leaving no stone unturned, but at least you will feel like you're doing something. Perhaps you could even work with legislators in your state to redraft your state's child abuse definition.

One more thing I would suggest is trying to find other parents who are in the same boat or who have been. If you could find these people in your state, you could possibly band together and begin a grassroots campaign. There is power in numbers and with the Internet, it's easier than ever these days to find resources and other people who are going through the same things.

I don't have much more to add because Meg pretty much covered it, but I agree with what she said: call CPS and get them involved! It certainly couldn't hurt.

I would love to see more legislature on changing the definition of abuse too... it really is a very sad situation as it is.

I was emotionally abused as a child by my family and honestly, I wish I had someone like you in my corner to fight for me. Even if you cannot get them away from the toxic influence, it can help just to know that somebody cares and recognizes that it is wrong. As the children get older, you might be able to be an outside ally to validate their feelings and let them know that it doesn't always have to be that way. Just having someone recognize that it is wrong can make a world of difference to a child.

As far as Child Protective Services go, I will definately talk to my brother about that. But do you have any information on what the kids go through if that happens. I'm sure when it comes down to it, my brother will do whatever it takes, but I'm just curious if calling them will cause even more harm. If that is what we have to do, then that is what we will do, but I think we would just want to know ahead of time the possible effects that doing this may have on them. Also, the fear is that no matter what steps we try to take, if it doesn't go in my brothers favor for the kids, then they will have hell to pay with their mother later. So every move that we end up trying to make we also take into consideration what will happen if the judges or lawyers or doctors or whoever say "sorry, can't help you right now". Whatever we do, we have to be able to follow through til the very end. We can't stop and say, well, we can't afford anymore so we will continue when we come up with the money for the next step.I don't know if I am making any sense, but we would like to figure out every step and every possible dollar this may take so we don't get stuck in the middle of any process and have to make them return to their mother and get in more trouble with her.

That's why it might be good for you to band together with other families who are going through the same thing and begin a grassroots campaign. Abusers are like cockroaches. They hide when the light shines on them. I'll bet she comes off looking like a great mother to her friends, family, co-workers and neighbors.

As for CPS, I don't know what the process is, but I do know that they do everything they can to keep families together. They really have nowhere to put kids, even ones who are being seriously abused. There is a tremendous need for foster families in almost every state. I know because my brother and his wife do take in foster kids. You could ask for more specifics when you call or look up your state's CPS website and see what information you can get from it.

She comes off looking like the perfect mother to other people. She over does it when she is in a group of people. Smiling and screaming how much she loves them. It's sad to know what really happens when they go home.

Very typical.

That's pretty typical... oh boy my mother put on quite a show in public about what a great mother she was. At home I was vermin to her just living in her house "rent free" and she talked of what a burden I was to her, or how she wished she had had an abortion so that she wouldn't have to see me. In public though? She would brag about how smart I was, tell people about all the money she was saving for my college education (lies of course), and how much she just adored being a mother. Sadly, this is pretty typical abusive parent behavior.

CPS has certainly seen their share of this kind of behavior too of course. Sometimes you can get more truth out of the children though, and a lot of people in CPS are trained to know how to talk to kids to get a better idea of the real story. It doesn't always work, but it is certainly worth a shot.