Emotional Abuse Support Group

I have read about 1/3 of Bancroft's book. It has so much great information . It has helped me understand what the abuse is that I am going through. It has helped me to identify that my abuser is a little of all of the abusive types, but primarily the addicted, victim and terrorist abuser. I have gotten to the point with him that I have disconected to the point that I don't hear much of what he says, I just take care of me and my children and if he chooses to take part in anything (which usually he does not ) fine, if not fine. He daily yells and slams doors and tells me he is going to kill my dogs. Mutters under his breath that me and his children are for fu@%$$% lazy. ( yet he does noting but sit at home playing video games, watches tv and does the occasional load of laundry. I ask for help like carrying something heavy ( like laundry upstairs ) or groceries in the house , it is a terrible inconvience for him. I just had a tumor removed from my spine october 2011, and sometimes I have so much pain I can not move. If I ask him to rub my legs for me just so I can stand up to get to the shower , he says later, since I gave you a nice leg rub maybe you can return the favor ( meaning having sex with him , not giving him a leg rub) or if I am crying because my neck hurts so bad where they made the incision, he says " I know how you feel, my neck hurts really bad to".

I have gotten to the point that I am withdrawn and don't care what he says, i do my own thing. But when he smashed his finger with a rock today, he called me asking what to do, I did not even feel bad for him. I felt no worry, no concern and no need to take care of him. That is not like me. I am a caretaker , and if someone is hurt, I do anything I can to help them, if someone is sick I wait on them hand and foot, but I had none of those urges when I told me how he smashed his finger and it was just flat. He asked me "what do I do?" I said "maybe you should go to the dr..." but I felt no empathy for him or anything. I am scared that I have lost that part of me forever. What is wrong with me? Am I turning into an abuser, or am I just a cold heartless bitch? Shouldn't I feel bad for him?

How do I get that part of me back? or have I lost that part of me forever?

Post edited by: Kyra74, at: 05/25/2012 01:45 PM

Post edited by: Kyra74, at: 05/25/2012 01:47 PM

hopingin2012, That's one of the key parts of an abuser: There is no such thing as a "gift"... EVERYTHING comes with strings attached. If he ever does something good for you, be prepared to pay for it over and over! He has no concept of an actual GIFT, being nice for the sake of loving and cherishing the person you supposedly love. With an abuser though, everything has a purpose. Even if he doesn't ask for something directly in exchange, he uses his "good acts" to justify punishing you later and convince himself that he's a good person.

My father used to hold anything and everything he did for me over my head (which of course as a child, I couldn't help but depend on him to a large extent). Even now I still have trouble accepting gifts and favors from people because in the back of my mind I'm thinkng "oh boy, how am I going to have to pay for THIS??" I will say that it is getting better, and I AM learning to trust again with the right people, but it's hard to break that way of thinking for sure.

Kyra, there is no need to fear... you are NOT turning into an abuser or a cold and heartless person! Many people experience something similar to what you feel as they start to come to terms with the abuse in their lives. Personally, I believe that it is a defense mechanism for our minds to cope with the stress of an abusive situation and also to send you the signal that this is a toxic influence. By seperating yourself from him emotionally, you are in fact protecting yourself from becoming invested in what is basically, a poison. It makes sense then that your body would naturally want to reject such a thing, and discourage you from being involved as much as you can help it.

In fact, in a lot of ways, the fact that you no longer pity him is a VERY good sign that you are healing! A lot of times the guilt is the biggest hurdle to overcome, as many people feel very much responsible for their abuer's well-being (a concept that is certainly perpetuated by the abuser, who blames his unhappiness on those around him).

Bottom line? This is actually a great sign that your heart/mind/body is attempting to heal and protect itself. This is NOT a step backwards!

He didn't do nice things for you... he paid bills to get you to do something he KNEW you didn't enjoy. Oral sex isn't like asking for a glass of water! I imagine he actually enjoyed the fact that he knew you didn't like it, as sick as that sounds. It's pretty common among abusers.

Think of it this way: If you pay someone to fix your air conditioner, do you start singing their praises and talk about how nice and generous it was of him/her to do the job? Of course not.. you pay the bill, and that's it. For an abuser, doing token "nice things" is paying the bill to get a job done, and thus it's really more of a business than it is a "nice guesture."

All of you are so right! I never thought of it that way. I was getting more upset with myself in not wanting to rush home and take care of him like I did in the past. I am so greatful that I have found this group.

For me, it was doubly worse because as a Christian, I felt I had a duty to care about everybody. Then one day my pastor (whom I had confided in) said, "You know, Jesus was all about love and forgiveness, but He never let anyone use Him." That hit me right between the eyes. Of course he was right and that's exactly what abusers do, they USE people ... most of all US! They are very manipulative and self-centered. So he smashed his finger. Big deal. Where is the same level of concern for your physical complaints? You didn't ignore him. You told him to call the doctor. You could have just told him to stop bothering you and hung up, but you didn't. It's very difficult to have empathy for someone who has z-e-r-o empathy for you.