Emotional Abuse Support Group

I know I have not ben on line for a long time. I have been struggeling with my fibromyalgia, a spinal tumor and alot of other medical issues on top of dealing with the man I married in 2004. That was the biggest mistake I have made in the world. He is always angry, telling me how lazy I am and makes me feel guilty about going to a support group once a week or even when I talk on the phone. He is always telling me one day I am going to come home and find my dogs dead. To give you a little background, when we met, he was a workaholic, and I found out later he was also an alcholic and drug adict, but that was not until almost eight years into our relationship. I thought I could help him, be there for him,and show him enough love so that he would not go to the bar everyday after work, or dissapear for days on a drug binge. I found out the hard way, he is the only one that can do that. But then we got married ( even though I knew all of this and already being the reason for all of his frustrations ) because I thought things would be better. Of course I was wrong. He wound up quitting his job, to go to school to be a CMT, and now I am on the hook for a $12,000 student loan since we are married. HE never got a job in the massage industry. He never got any job. He has sat at home for the last several years, watching TV , Playing video games, and eventually he did start doing laundry. He always complains that we ( my children and I )take advantage of him and treat him like a servant since he always is having to do laundry. Up until recently, I would con=me in the door from work , exhausted and ready to fall over and in so much pain, and he would come up from his "man cave" and say "what's for dinner?" I am the only one who works, I had spine surgery less than seven months ago and can barely functioning, and he has been home all day and he can not make dinner?!?!?!? Well that recently changed, but he still expects me to clean the house , do the dishes, mop the floor, make sure there are groceries in the house ( BTW I can not drive due to lack of feeling in my legs after my spine surg ) So I ask him to take me to the store, and he sighs and says , "fine I'll take you after rush hour" He always chases away all my friends. I finally got to a breaking point two weeks ago and asked him for a divorce. Of course that started a big argument. He turned it all around on me and said he had no place to go, and what do I suggest he do , and go. He has no money, he has no car ( since he has not installed the one part he needs to finish with his breaks ) He even got a gift card from my son to an auto parts store for his b-day so he could buy the part. He was yelling, and I was crying, and I finally said, we can not live together, I am even willing to try a tryal seperation, we just can not live together. I even offered to leave MY house for 30 days( I bought it before we were married ) so that he can get his things together and arrange a place to go, but he said no to that. How do I get him to leave? I do not want to keep him from his children, I just can not have all that stress and anger in my childrens and my life. I do not feel I should be the one to find him a place to go , or give him money for an appartment, and I can not force him to work. he knows I will always have food in the house for my children, I will make sure my bills are pd so my children will have heat and electricity. How do I get rid of someone when I am not afraid for my life? He had never touched me in anger, he does throw things and break things, but I have been told , this is his residence and I can not make him leave since I am not in fear for my or my childrens life. What do I do. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Kyra

Welcome to our group!

First and foremost, I strongly suggest that you get your hands on our "group bible" Why Does He Do That by Bancroft. You can read the first chapter or so online at Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/ 0425191656 If money is an issue for you, check your local library (ask about inter-library loans!) or used books sites like www.half.com. This book is a GREAT resource for information about abuse.

Rest assured that abuse is NOT just physical violence. Emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse (many would argue that the effects are far worse with emotional abuse actually).

Have you contacted your local Domestic Abuse shelter? They might be able to set you up with resources, aid, or other options in your area. You can call the Domestic Abuse hotline anytime if you need support and they can also put you in touch with some of your local resources. 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) is their number, and don't hesitate to call if you need to talk or get more information!

I know there is a lot of information here, but try not to get overwhelmed... take it one step at a time. Focus on getting a hold of that book first... the more you learn about abuse and its nature, the better off you will be!

Hi Kyra! I'm sorry you are going through this. We all know how hard it is to be with an abuser.

You are not responsible for making sure he has a place to go or money. He is a grown man and should take care of his own responsibilities.

Is the house under his name, too? Can you call the cops to escort him off the property?

Educate yourself on abuse like Schefflera said. Knowledge is power! Keep coming back here to post and read.

Thank you both for the advise. I will definitely check out that book. His name is not on the house, but I spoke to an attorney( free advise through EAP) and she said since that is his residents also ,even if his name is not on it, I can not make him leave, unless I am in fear of my life. I would think that telling him right out that I do not want to be with him, he would take a hint. Guess not.

That's one of the biggest differences between a man who is just a jerk and an abuser. A normal man wouldn't WANT to be with a woman who didn't want him... a normal man who dislikes his partner so much would just LEAVE, but an abuser sticks around to "punish" and torture a victim since that was his goal in the first place.

A normal man would want to be with a woman he thinks so horribly of!

LifeAwaits, your statement confuses me... did you mean to say "A normal man would not want to be with a woman that he thinks so horribly of" meaning, if he really hated her so much, that he wouldn't want to stay with her?

Yep.

sounds like he is dependent on you and not a mature individual.My husband suggests many times staying at home and I know he wouldn't do ANYTHING if he did.It would be a mess in here and I would be working 2 jobs!I imagine you are exhausted.I would try to find a way to get him out of there.He is not helping you...but making things harder.

Post edited by: WandaLynn, at: 05/19/2012 03:28 PM

I have asked him to leave many times, but he wont. I just bought the book that was recomended , I am about to start reading it. When I woke up this morning, he was nowhere to be found! I almost thought he had finally decided to leave, but no such luck! He had taken my car, left his phone here and went fishing! What a jerk, I mean I know I am not supposed to drive right now , but what if ther had been an emergancy, I would not even been able to do anything or even get ahold of him!!!!

Thank you everyone for letting me vent!!!!