Hi all. Not sure if anyone remembers me. I was on here back in the July/Aug/Sept time frame last year telling my story of the 16 years of emotional abuse I have endured. At the time I received many encouraging words, however, much of it I wasn’t really prepared for. I was just starting to reach out about my situation and trying to figure out how to deal with it all and I think I just got overwhelmed. Around that same time I finally decided to start seeing a therapist and decided I needed a place (private from his prying eyes) to put my experiences in writing. I started an anonymous on line blog which I only access at work. Both of these things have helped me so much. The blog especially. It gives me something I can go back to when he claims a certain conversation or event never happened. Before I would have just believed him and felt crazy. Now however, I don’t. That is very empowering. I have several amazing people that read and comment on my blog and they help keep me sane as well. They provide words of encouragement and help me continue to see the truth when my vision gets cloudy.
My therapist has been a blessing in many ways. She has given me many tools to use in a variety of situations that pop up. She has helped me to begin rebuilding my confidence and reclaim my power in the relationship. She still hasn’t given me answers to the questions I wrestle with. Should I stay? Can I continue to live this way? Should I leave? What is this going to do to my kids? I think though that as I work through the process I will get to those answers in time. The hardest part is reminding myself that I have to work through things rather than just race directly for the answers to my questions. There are times when she says things I don’t agree with and I kind of look at her like she has no idea what she is talking about. Every once in a while she suggests I change something about me. Just the thought of that makes me withdraw. Mostly because to think of all the ways I have had to change myself over the years to live my life by his criteria only to be where I am today…makes me just feel ill to have someone suggest to me that I should change something else right now.
Lately though I have felt a need to come back to this group. A comment was made over Mothers Day dinner that shook me to my core. We were sitting around the table with my side of the family when my mom and sisters started talking about getting together for a girls weekend. They want to drive up to my youngest sisters house and go shopping and have dinner and spend the night and then come back the next day. It sounded like fun. We have talked about this a few times and I have always been reluctant because my husband would always tell me he didn’t want me to go. But, when this latest round of talk started it sounded like so much fun that I decided I was going to go. My mom must have seen my husbands face because she said “of course we would work it around the guys schedules since they are going to have to have the kids all weekend…” and smiled at him. He replied back with “only if I allow it which I don’t…everyone has their limits of what they think is acceptable…” Now, this is the same man who goes out with his close friend, has spent the night at the guys apartment with several others when they have “game night” and will stay out till the wee hours of the morning. My family knows this has happened several times. So, my mom of course jumps in and brings all this up. Of course, my husband has a justification for every time. Because, as we all know, he can never be “wrong”. I followed that up with “besides I didn’t know I had to ask…this is a normal thing. I am not even leaving the state.” To which he replies back with “well, if you go, expect to come back to an empty house…” Very clearly stating if I go and do this he will take our kids and leave. He knows this will get me every time. Everybody at the table caught on to the fact that this wasn’t a laughing matter any more. Throat clearing ensued and the subject was changed when I said “well, if you are going to leave over something as silly as this then fine.” Inside I was shaking though. It was a threat. Blatant. Made in front of my whole family. It was obvious enough that my middle sister and I spoke the following day and she asked if I was ok and we had a long conversation about the status of things.
Now, for the first time since I initially left him nearly 15 years ago I feel I need to actually start creating a safety plan. I did have a separate account that he didn’t know about for awhile. Years ago he somehow found out about it. I have not ever added his name to it – nor do I intend to, however, he still checks it. I was still pretty blind when he found out about it and felt the only way to redeem myself in his eyes and his trust was to give him all of the log on information. I recently tried to open a different account at the same bank, but, apparently when you open a new one it gets linked to the same log on. So, I had to immediately close that. I need to figure out how to get another account set up and get the information sent somewhere else. I am seriously considering setting up a PO box and having all the statements sent there. I have also been considering putting together a bag with copies of all my important papers and stuff to my sister. Just in case. His comment just rattled me to my core.
I have been trying to work through everything. To spend time working on me. To keep leaving him out of my mind. I want to take my commitment seriously and ensure I have done everything in my power. However, I also know that for things to truly change it would take years and years of his honesty and work on his end in order to even begin to see any true change. Having been down that road once before (leaving him) I do not really want to go down it again. If I do have to go down that road it will be the last time. I resolved early on after our reunion that I would never go down the “leave and come back” road again. It is a terrible path to travel. No, if I decide to go down that path again it will be for good.
I have read through the safety plan here. I have read Lundy’s book. I have read a book on the Gaslight Effect. I have read blog after blog. I have started reaching out to my family. My middle sister pretty well knows the most right now. My mom knows pieces but not to the real extent of things. But, at least they know enough that should I decide to leave I know I have a place to go.
Despite all this I just really felt this pull to get back involved in this group. I feel bad that I fell of the face of the planet. Somehow though, I just know you all will understand. Living in denial for so long, then being hit with the truth from all angles was a lot to deal with. Now though, it is time to get support, to give support. To get advice as to how to handle this.
I'm sorry to hear that you are still enduring an abusive marriage, but I commend you for all of the amazing work you've done! It really can be quite overwhelming at first and honestly, it feels hopeless at times. I'm so happy to hear that you've started to regain confidence and it sounds like you're starting to get in tune with your instincts. Way to go!!!