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05/09/2012 01:57 PM

Annoyed.....

mem7697

I was talking with a friend of mine today and we were talking about my ex and the way he treated me at times and the subject of some stuff he did after we split came up.My friend basically said to me that one of the things my ex did post break up (can't remember which one) was normal for somebody to do after a break up.I personally disagree as i wouldn't do that and no previous partner of mine did.I am so annoyed,as far as i'm concerned some of the stuff he did after we split was still emotional abuse,such as the following:

1.When i asked him if he would contact me with the results of an STD test that he said he was getting (which i wouldn't be surprised if he was lying about anyway) he told me that he would "think about it."

2.One night when i texted him after i broke down crying telling him how heartbroken i was and asking him why he would treat me like he did at times i got he told me that his attempts at tackling his anger were not good enough for me.He also said the following:

3.He was hurt by something i had said the weekend previous to thatand he could only take so much(god forbid i speak about my feelings after the way he treated me!).

4.He told me that i let him down by not going to a wedding with him.

5.Twisted something that i said to make it sound like i did say it when in fact i didn't.

6.He told me that he let me break up with him.

7.He also called me possessive and controlling.

8.Regarding the STD test he told me that his sexual health was his business,not mine.

9.He told me that i coudln't accept him for who he was and i tried changing him.

10.Told me that i always brought up the past and that i never took the blame for anything.

And bare in mind this was only a week and a half or two after i buried my grandmother.There were other incidents in the following weeks mostly when i tried to get back with him.

So i ask ye guys,is this normal break-up stuff or is it abuse?I have certainly never experienced it before and never would do that myself and i did feel abused after it.So what do ye reckon....abuse or not?

P.S. My friend did't say that all of that stuff was normal break-up stuff,just one incident i mentioned i think (can't remember which one).

Post edited by: diemcarpe, at: 05/09/2012 02:01 PM

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05/09/2012 02:12 PM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

My opinion is that you can't get validation from anyone about an abusive relationship if they have no idea about abuse and how an abusive person thinks.

05/09/2012 04:02 PM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

I find what someone considers to be "normal" is irrelevent anyway. There are a heck of a lot of different types of people out there with different relationship styles. Plus abusive relationships are an entirely different beast than "normal" relationships.

05/09/2012 04:32 PM
mem7697

Did what he did sound abuse to ye though?I certainly feel that it was.What a dick i was with for 14 months to treat me like that!

05/09/2012 04:34 PM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

Do you think it was abusive? Did it make you feel abused?

05/09/2012 04:39 PM
mem7697

Absolutely.No person should treat their partner/former partner in such a way.It was vile.With your (perhaps more vast knowledge) though does it sound abusive to you?

05/09/2012 05:33 PM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

If you feel abused by his behavior, then that is reason enough. Period! Use your instincts!

Anybody who makes you feel badly about yourself is a toxic influence. An abuser isn't abusive one day and a normal person the next. Even when an abuser is acting nice, it is just that: an ACT. It's all part of the scheme to mantain control, thus is still actually part of the tapestry of abusive behavior.

From what you have read about how abuse makes a person feel and how an abuser behaves, do you think it applies?

It is important that you start assessing the situation for yourself instead of relying on other peoples' opinions. Of course it helps to have your feelings validated sometimes, but it is important not to rely on others to tell you what you feel. If you feel it is wrong, then it's probably wrong. Try reading other peoples' stories and experiences here on the board (and in your Bancroft book). Can you see similar motivations? Do you relate to any of the experiences?

Have you been reading your Bancroft book? I encourage you to keep reading and RE-READ it when you're done! It is pretty much impossible to get everything out of it in the first pass. I find that as I go back and re-read some of these texts at different points in my healing process that different passages stick out to me, and I pick up on different points that I had not really noticed so much before.


05/09/2012 05:48 PM
mem7697

Hey Scheff,thanks a million.From what i have read i do see some similarities,yes.Certainly in how i felt in the relationship at times and also regarding his behaviour.What confuses me sometimes is that he was great alot,maybe even most,of the time but when that dark side came out it was very painful for me.Does that make sense,that they can be great alot of the time but when it suits them or maybe something you have done does not suit them then the dark side comes out?

I have been reading the book and it is helpful but one thing that trips me up at times is that my ex didnt fit alot of the descriptions in the book so far but then i guess that could be the case with any number of people's abusers here.But definitely there were things that mirror his behaviour at times and stuff that i may or may not ever know definitively (such as his inability to receive communication at times when i tried raising a grievance,regardless of what time of night it was.Was he unable to receive my communication or did he simply not want to,just to shut me down?I may never know but if he was clever enough to be as manipulative as he could be then what's to say that he wasn't clever enough to deliberately not receive my attempts at communication at times.But i will never know.

I do know that he had a tendency to be emotionally abusive.I wouldn't feel that way otherwise,I wouldn't have ended the relationship otherwise,i wouldn't have made it here otherwise,i wouldn't have started abuse counselling otherwise and i wouldn't be reading my second book on emotional abuse otherwise as well as coming out of the relationship with the same feelings as other people who come out of these type of relationships.

Post edited by: diemcarpe, at: 05/09/2012 05:49 PM

Post edited by: diemcarpe, at: 05/09/2012 05:49 PM


05/09/2012 06:05 PM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

Keep in mind that these books cover MANY types of abusers, and there is no one-size-fits all. Bancroft mentions in Why Does He Do That that you will likely see bits and pieces of your abuser in multiple "abuser types". Some of them won't apply at all for sure! Don't forget that abusers use whatever tactic works best to exploit you, so obviously that means he wouldn't try every tactic at once, right?

Abusers often "play dumb" or convienently "forget" things when it suits them... don't buy into it! All humans are capable of listening with respect. Many humans just choose not to.

You are right though: You feel what you feel for a reason. Your mind doesn't just invent these things out of nothing.... they are a reaction to your situation! I'm glad you are starting to see that your feelings are a reaction to an abusive environment.


05/10/2012 08:59 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14599
Group Leader

Scheff is right. Most abusers are two, three and even four types. They use whatever works. If yelling and threats work one day, that's what they'll use. If the silent treatment works another day, that's what they'll use. If sweetness and promises work another day, they'll use them too. Abusers have no moral code that says something like, "Whoa, I'm not going to yell and call her a 'whore' because that's just wrong IMO." They manage to justify ANY and ALL of their behaviour.
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