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05/01/2012 07:48 PM

Anxiety Attack!

nolongertrapped
nolongertrapped  
Posts: 863
Senior Member

I am going through hell tonight! My heart is racing, I can't get it to stop. I made a very big decision today that I fear could possibly screw up a lot of good things I have going for me and Katie.

I met up with Jon (my abuser) at the park today so that the girls could play together.

I had been contemplating this for a while, and it makes me very sad that Katie cannot get to know her cousins and the rest of her family because her father will not make the effort to get off of drugs and pass several drug tests.

So I asked him if he wanted to get together on Saturday so that he could see Katie and he told me that he couldn't because his family was having a crawfish broil on Saturday. So I suggested that I could drop Katie off for a few hours at the Crawfish broil and pick her up.

Now I'm have second thoughts...I've actually been having second thoughts over and over and over again. I feel sick at my stomach.

I do feel like she will be okay with the rest of his family there. They are all good, responsible people. I fear what this could mean for me legally though.

I mean, if I left her with someone I thought was responsible, and Jon just happened to be there, does that make me negligent?

I feel very conflicted about it, but it hurts that she cannot know her family because he won't get off of drugs and get his life together. I feel like a complete idiot now too. My mother is barely speaking to me. One minute she tells me she is not going to influence my decision, the next minute she tells me that he hasn't earned the right to have her unsupervised...but I do not feel like I am leaving her unsupervised because a bunch of his family will be there.

I e-mailed three of them personally and asked them to keep a second pair of eyes on her this weekend. It was just a few seconds ago so I don't expect a response yet.

I hope I can sleep tonight. My mother not talking to me makes things much more difficult. If she would support my decision, this feeling wouldn't feel so awful, but is she right?

I feel like I've really screwed up. Ermm

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05/01/2012 08:48 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 15143
Group Leader

No, that doesn't make you negligent, but a good attorney can certainly twist it around to make it sound any way he wants and certainly your abuser can twist it around to sound any way HE wants it to as well. Who knows what kind of a spin they could put on it? The facts are that you brought her there to a place you knew he would be at and those facts would be indisputable, but the rest of it would all be his word against yours. He could claim you wanted to get back together. You would have no way of disputing that.

I really, really think you need to trust your gut instinct on this. Whenever I have felt this strongly about something and ignored my instinct, I was very sorry later on. A large part of abuse is getting us NOT to trust our instincts. Not only are these your natural human instincts, but they are your mother bear instincts as well. I urge you to reconsider if possible.


05/02/2012 10:23 AM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 5088
Group Leader

I agree with Meg: I would say trust your instincts here. I fear this could be a ploy to back you into a corner. Think of it this way: If you keep her away, there is no additional harm done, but if she goes you open a potential can of worms.

05/02/2012 05:56 PM
nolongertrapped
nolongertrapped  
Posts: 863
Senior Member

Well I talked to one of my best friends last night, and she told me that Katie could be conveniently sick on Saturday. It also might rain, in which case I won't have to lie.

I heard back from his cousins and they all promised me that they would make sure that nothing happened to her and that they would all watch her like a hawk. I have saved all of those e-mails as well.

I don't want to sound cocky, but I'm not so worried about John finding a good attorney. He can't afford to survive, let alone find an attorney. It really helped my decision a great deal when I heard from all of his cousins. They all said that they really missed me and that they can't wait to see Katie. It's my understanding that they all know and understand why I did what I did in persuing full custody. Not sure how they found out, but I'm greatful to know that they know.

I am still debating, but I got some great advice from the day care provider and she told me to write up a document and have the responsible parties sign it, basically agreeing to assume responsibility for her well being while she is in their care. I'm going to ask the cousins if they would be willing to do this. If I have this and there is ever a time where I have to go to court, I can show that document as proof that I designated a responsible party to take care of her.

We'll see. I finally fell asleep at 1:30 in the morning. It amazes me how obsessive I can get. LOL.


05/02/2012 09:00 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 15143
Group Leader

Do you have an attorney you can run this past first? If not, call a couple tomorrow and ask. Most don't charge a fee for a consultation.

Just to be on the safe side ...


05/03/2012 10:30 AM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 5088
Group Leader

I'm just wondering, what is there to gain by sending her there? (this isn't a loaded question, I don't know the whole situation but it seems like this being treated as a special one-time event).

If there are people that want to see her and that's why you want to send her there, could it be arranged for them to visit her at another time? Maybe you could even put together your own little get-together for them?


05/03/2012 10:43 AM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

I'm with Scheff. Visiting at a later date is a good idea. Better safe than sorry comes to mind. Abusers are capable of anything and don't care who or what they use to get what they want at the moment.

Listening to my intuition has never let me down. Not listening to it has always let me down.


05/06/2012 01:58 PM
nolongertrapped
nolongertrapped  
Posts: 863
Senior Member

Update on what went down.

I went ahead and took her to the crawfish broil and I got a hug from the wife of one of his cousins. I like her a lot, she is a school teacher and seems to have a very good head on her shoulders. Katie went off and played with her dad and she got into the bounce house and was having a great time.

I talked to Janice briefly and it was really hard for me and I found myself about to cry. She asked me why I was doing it.

I asked her what she meant. And she asked me again, why am I letting her come here? Why am I compromising with him? Why can't I come to the family get togethers too?

I told her I was pretty sure that Jon did not want me around his family. Probably because he knows I will want to say something and tell them what a nut case is. After my brief conversation with Janice, I'm convinced that there wouldn't take very much convincing.

I didn't give her specific details, but I told her that he didn't pass his drug test and that he has to pass four of them to get her back and he refuses to do that.

She told me that that was his loss and shame on him and poor Katie.

I told her the only reason I was letting her come was because it wasn't fair that she didn't get to know her family and that it kills me that she's missing out on so many cousins and aunts and uncles and her sister. Janice could tell I was about to start crying and I went ahead and made my exit.

It was 1:30 pm when I dropped her off.

I told John I would be back at 3:30pm to pick up Katie and he told me that 3pm was better...so I said ok. I left, and drove to a restraunt about half a mile away to get something to eat. Just over a half hour later, I get a text from John telling me that Katie wasn't having fun at all!

Naturally being the worried mom I am, I called and he told me to go ahead and come back and pick her up.

I had tired to warn him prior that she is on steroids right now and she's naturally not going to feel well. She's also very destructive and tearing everything she can think of apart. When I got there she was miserable and so was John because she wouldn't quit whining and he wanted to hang out with his buddies. I saw some other people there that I was friends with through John and they gave me a hug and told me it was good to see me.

Katie was whiny but as soon as I got there it got better. John also stopped paying attention to her and I could tell he was relieved that he didn't have to watch her anymore. I took Katie into the bounce house and I got to play with her and Jennifer and some of the other cousins that I haven't seen in a year and a half.

I had more in common with the kids than I did the grown ups. I realized something while I was there too. My relationship with them wasn't any different now than it was when I was with John. I was sitting there surrounded by people I used to see all the time, and I had absolutely nothing to say, I didn't know what to say and I once again came across as the quiet girl that never has anything to say which is so out of character for me because I have a lot to say.

It was like that with his family when I was with John and I'm still like that now. I always had more fun with the kids than I did the adults. I met a few new people as well. Apparently they took my place with the poker crowd. One woman was obnoxious and rude and I introduced myself as John's ex. She said "ooooohhh...you mean your his baby's momma"...and I couldn't help but get annoyed cause I felt like it was really insulting. Baby's momma could imply that we're still together, or it could imply that we were never together and that I just had his baby. Either way, I made a point to make sure she knew that I was his ex and I was Katie's mother.

There were a few people I was really looking forward to seeing that I didn't get to see cause I had other stuff to do, but when I talked to Janice she pretty much told me that John and I need to come onto some middle ground with Katie to where it should be okay for me to come to the family events so that he can spend more time with her. I agree. And considering how John couldn't watch her for more than half an hour without asking me to come back and pick her up, I think that will be the option we all go with now. Smile


05/06/2012 03:09 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 15143
Group Leader

I totally think you should go. My ex was a lot like him ... a substance abuser as well as a wife abuser. When I left him, we agreed to tell our own families and go our separate ways. Two years later, I ran into two of my ex-SILs in a store. They rushed up to me practically crying and were so happy to see me. They told me they had been looking for me for two years and had even called my job, but I'd left it shortly after we split up. They said he never told them we were splitting up. They just found out over time. When I told them that we had each agreed to tell our own families, they said, "But we don't want him, we want YOU!" They didn't even care that I was seeing someone else seriously at that point and asked me to invite them to our wedding. They invited me to graduations, holidays, etc. and wanted me to bring the new bf.

What I came to understand is that they were as sick of being used and abused by him as I was and that if they could have divorced him, they would have. They didn't want to spend their holidays and birthdays with some bug eyed, wasted drunk who might or might not start trouble and ruin everything. They wanted to spend them with a nice normal person who they knew would not bring them shame and embarassment. I'll bet Jon's family feels the same way.

I remember one of them telling me once, "We could never figure out why a nice girl like you would want to marry a loser like my brother." It was funny too because when I started going out with him, I was 16 and he was 27. I met them at their father's funeral and when I walked into the funeral home that day, they all forgot about their dead father. For the next three hours, every eye in the place was on ME. No one talked to me though, but there sure as hell was a lot of whispering. I could never have imagined then how deeply that family would take me into their hearts in the years to come and how eager they would be to be rid of him.

Post edited by: Meg1129, at: 05/06/2012 03:09 PM

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