Emotional Abuse Support Group

Hi,

I'm feeling so lost at the moment. I've been with my partner for over a year and in the beginning it was amazing but moved very quickly. Within 4 weeks we were booking a holiday together and he would occasionally break down in tears because he said he couldn't believe how much he loved me. I fell head over heels in love with him and life was pretty blissful for about 7 months.

Around this time I felt he started to change. He suddenly wanted to have 'time alone', stopped contacting me as much and the elaborate declarations of love gradually dried up. We were still spending a lot of time together but he seemed to pull away and I didn't know why. I tried to talk to him about it on a few occasions but he always told me nothing had changed and it was all in my head.

It started getting worse. If he was annoyed with me for something he would go cold and refuse to speak to me for hours. He began making comments like calling me a slut but claiming he was joking. When I asked him to stop he told me he was just messing about and I should chill out. Over the last 4 months I've been scared to bring up anything that's bothering me in case it made him angry with me. I felt like he was taking me for granted, but every time I tried to talk to him about it he would fly off the handle and threaten to end the relationship, then refuse to speak to me until the next day.

He has always been very insecure since we first met. I have a past and he would ask me detailed questions about it over and over again. He sometimes asked me about things that I'm not proud of and would make me tell him the details even though it was visibly upsetting me. He also has a past which is worse than mine, but he could never understand the hypocrisy of what he was saying. He always said he thought I would cheat on him one day, and would check my phone and Facebook account, but wouldn't let me look at his phone. He's broken up with me for good now and I'm just a mess. I've gotten back in touch with a few friends and when I've mentioned how the relationship was they've suggested it was abusive, but I just don't know. I feel like it was my fault and I should have tried harder.

Can anyone give me some advice? I don't know if I should keep trying to fix it or try to move on, and I just feel so low.

Thank you

Lucyntt, welcome...your relationship is typical abusers behaviour...I am sorry you were put through all the stuff you have experienced and the guilt that you now are left with...first watch out bec abusers guarantee will come back to abuse you one more time...so as quickly as you can make a plan what to do when he calls...do not answer as tempted as you feel like talking with him.....I found going "no contact" with my abuser since I broke up with him 10 months ago has worked wonders.....second get a hold of (library or purchase it?) Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bankroft....it explains to the tee the situation that you were in....it is very common by the way.....this support group has done wonders putting things where they belong as there is a lot of information out there that can make the abuser situation a lot more confusing......hang strong and run to get a hold of the book, it will help you arm yourself with knowledge and as much as to this day I miss the Mr. Wonderful side of my abuser as much as I read and get more knowledge to help myself feel at ease.....I find my abuser in the lines that I read and it help reinforce that I must not go back to him...I allow myself to love him from the distance....all of this is normal......get the book and begin to discover your peaceful self.....Hug, Patricia

Hi and welcome to the group! Yes, he was abusive. In fact, your guy was pretty much a textbook abuser. I would like to encourage you to read our group bible, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft has worked with thousands of abusers for nearly 20 years and really knows how they think and what motivates them. Once you read this book, it's like finding out how a magician does all his tricks. They have no more effect on you. This book has been life changing for so many of our members. That's how it became our group bible.

I put a link to it below on Amazon where you can read reviews of it and a chapter for free, but you can get it anywhere even your public library. If your library doesn't have it, ask them to get it for you via inter-library loan. I also encourage you to check out our thread entitled, "Random Bancroft".

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/ 0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1335643495&sr=1-1

According to Bancroft, below are some of the red flags that you may be with an abuser:

* He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners.

* He is disrespectful to you.

* He does favors for you that you don't want or puts on such a show of generosity that

it makes you uncomfortable.

* He is controlling.

* He is possessive.

* Nothing is ever his fault.

* He is self-centered.

* He abuses drugs or alcohol.

* He pressures you for sex.

* He gets serious too quickly about the relationship.

* He intimidates you when he's angry.

* He has double standards.

* He has negative attitudes toward women.

* He treats you differently around other people.

* He appears to be attracted to vulnerability.

Lucyntt,Yes,he was definitely abusive.No question about it.All the behaviors of an abuser are there.As for what to do now.Run as far and as fast away from him as you possibly can and don't look back.And consider yourself lucky if he is gone.Because there is no doubt that his abuse would have escalated had the relationship continued.

HUGS.Lanna

Thank you so much for your replies. I think on some level I knew what he was doing wasn't right. It's good to know I'm not crazy.

I had a look at the book and it's scary how similar the examples are to my relationship. The problem I have now is that I still feel so lost without him. I'm trying not to contact him but I just feel so out of control and desperate to speak to him. Is this normal? I don't understand how I can see all of the bad bits but still want him to tell me it won't happen again and make it better.

I'm going to buy the book and read it when I'm feeling weak so it will hopefully stop me contacting him. Does anyone have any other tips?

That is absolutely normal!! It's because we are traumatically bonded to our abusers. It's like Stockholm Syndrome. There's some info on both of these subjects on the board or you can google it.

The similarities are scary. I thought my husband was in a unique category all by himself: selfish asshole. I was absolutely stunned when I read the book and he was written on almost every page! Not only was his personality there, but his actions, too. The more I read on abuse, the angrier I got that he was doing those things to me just to get control of me. I thought he could just write a list of things he wanted me to do everyday and I'd do them. That way, I could know what he wanted from me and I wouldn't have to spend the day walking on eggshells guessing about the mood he would be in and ready and waiting to counteract his accusations.

Writing things down and posting here the things he's done to me help me stay good and angry at him. When I see him in person, I see a scared little boy and have to tell myself, "wolf in sheep's clothing."

For me, knowledge is power. I read everything I can on abuse so I know exactly what's going on in his head.

What you're going through now is confusing and a rush of different emotions. That's all normal. The important thing is to stay away from him so he can't taint you anymore or try to get you back. Keep posting and reading here.

Sign up for our No Contact support e-mails. There is a link to it on our board. It's in the sticky'd section (black push pin icons before the threads). It's from a great website called Baggage Reclaim.

It also helps to realize that every time you open the door to contact, even if it's just to tell him to go f*** himself, he sees that as a victory. It's like feeding a stray dog.

It's perfectly normal to miss your abuser after you've left. So many people are under the mistaken impression that once they leave an abuser relationship, it's over. Nothing could be further from the truth though because you still carry around with you the memories of the Mr. Nice Guy act and the little abuser that's been downloaded into your brain that continues to play all those abuser tapes. Additionally, you then have to deal with the psychological damage that years with an abuser have produced in you.

I was in a very abusive relationship. My abuser actually tried to kill me. He beat me, raped me and pushed my head through a window once. I think we had about five good times in our marriage. Of course, he was always sorry the next day and he cried and begged for forgiveness. He always promised it would never happen again and it always did. When I left, I was convinced that if I hadn't, he would eventually kill me. I did not file for divorce for two years because I had no money and I didn't want to take the chance of falling for another abuser while I was in such a vulnerable state and marrying him. I went into therapy instead which was an excellent decision on my part.

Two years later, when we finally got divorced and I saw his signature on the divorce papers, I broke down and cried my heart out. I was stunned. I never saw that coming. I cried for a whole day. It wasn't that I missed him, but I knew that it was finally over. All my hopes and dreams were for us were gone. All the time and effort I put into saving our marriage and making it work was for naught. All it did was manage to convince me that nothing was going to save it.

So yes, it's perfectly normal to feel what you're feeling. Just let it pass when you do. Find something else to distract yourself with. Take up a new hobby or volunteer somewhere. That helped me a lot.

Completely agree with LifeAwaits....what you are feeling is expected and very normal....look at Stockholm Syndrome.....you will find the logic of your feeling illogically attracted to your abuser...in the meantime, I have learned to be very very loving and patient with myself...it is like Meg1129 said, reading Bankroft gives you the magicians ways of tricking you...and takes the power, the facade of what your abuser is trying to do and will continue to do to other people!!!.....every time I miss my abuser, I come and read from this board, read Bankroft (I check it out from the library as it is very popular), go to my 4 support groups when my busy schedule allows, go to counseling (which I had hard time finding a worth counselor as there are much misleading concepts about co dependency, etc. that will mess your hurt mind just a little bit further!!) and do activities such as hiking, taking hot baths (for some reasong this one helps a great deal), talk with my friends on the phone when I am able to find them (which I have lost several friends in this crazy and controvercial process)...and yes!!! yes!!! yes!!! this all feelings are very normal...so do not feel you are weird and all along and that your abuser is going to rescue and help you with your pain....what I have read from the people that have gone back to their abusers is that within days of being back to them, the abusers turn back to were they were and worst.....keep on reading from this board and you will see their posts...I am so tempted now to go back to him buying in the illusion that he can make it all better and very quick...but no!!!...I know better....oh! also calling the domestic hotline, helps me in the various resources when I am in need of help immendiately....I have found the more resources I have, the better....the intensity of the feeling you miss your abuser will dissipate....I used to wake up for about 5 to 6 months every freeking morning missing him pationately....I used to post on this board.....I was exhausted....and I am now here 10 months later and counting.....I think at about the 7th month finally I begun to wake up and not feel distrode...it was agony and I am glad to grasp some vision that yes I am progressing and moving on in a healthy manner....many times I felt I am stuck and will last for ever.....heck I feel now I am stuck....but one thing I kept on hearing....baby steps.....and this gave me hope...that little baby steps at a time will get me through this rough rough period of suffering...and so I tell myself this instant...yes Patricia, you are moving on, eventhough it feels I am not......so yes, what you are experiencing is very normal and expect it so it does not get you off guard and learn to develop strategies of how to sooth your feeling soooo longly and sooo much in pain....call the domestic violence hotline 800-799-7233, call the friends that understand your position, you will find many people fighting your stand...you dont need these scenarios, avoid them as this will cause you yet more pain, I need not question my position, I need to be reinforced that what I am doing is right....even Bankroft mentiones how himself has felt for abusers wanting to change!!!..and I experienced 3 counselors fighting my ways to idenfitying my abuser!!!! and sort of defending my abusers innocent position after I broke up with him!!!!...can you believe that?.....I was soooo glad to have read Bankroft before this happened to me....and had this board to post it and realize that this was yet expected.....I hope this aids you in your getting out of the abuse path....it is not fast enough and not pain free, but I guarantee you it is worth it as it gives you your life back....remember baby steps at a time ok?....yes, what you are experiencing is very normal.....Hug, Patricia

You know its the very way it works. Right now my bf is being as sweet as pie as I have just taken a freelance job away from home for a month with a really big TV company and he knows i will earn enough to be financially free (he loves reminding me how poor i was when we met and how he upgraded my life - beware always has strings attached). Its almost like the american dream or the idea that we can all become rich/famous if we just do this and that. The abuser pulls you in with an amazing personality, showering you with love and affection, in affect saving you from the life you had (from reading here i have learnt this is a classic one). Like all the immigrants that flock to america to make a fortune they get there to find poverty and a cold place where they are mistreated. The perfect guy is an illusion, and in fact if you look at any other part of life anything that is too perfect is treated with suspicion or known to be a falsehood so why is it that when a person does it they are to be believed? I will never see overly charming ppl the same way again. My lundy book arrives tomorrow!!! Im hoping it gives me the final bit of strength to leave him as even though i get whats going on the sweet guy still affects me. ill be on here a lot when i do leave. At least now its a when instead of an if ....

I'm glad you are here and I'm glad your book is coming tomorrow. It'll give you the final push to leave - don't worry about that!

Congratulations on the new job!