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04/27/2012 10:47 AM

Typical Conversation w/ Abuser

LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

This is a typical conversation I've had with my abuser for years. The subject doesn't matter, but the tactics he uses that are abusive. Does this look familiar?

Me: You hurt my feelings when you said "the whole world heard." You were making fun of me.

Abuser: I wasn't making fun of you.

Me: I heard what you said and you were making fun of me.

Abuser: You were yelling and I said, "I think the neighbors heard." That was it. Wasn't making fun of u.

Abuser: What don't u understand? It wasn't "making fun of you".

Me: I wasn't yelling. I heard you say "the whole world heard that" and people laughed.

Abuser: Why don't you love me?

This is what happened: I bring up something that is hurtful to me, he did not address or take responsibility for his actions, my feeling of being hurt was not understood or validated, I was accused and defended myself to try to get him to understand his accusation was not true, by asking me what I don't understand drives home his point that he did nothing wrong and I my hurt feeling is wrong, and then he switches the subject completely.

What I would take away from this is that I am wrong to be hurt and he is right. Now I feel guilty for even accusing him of hurting my feelings. Did I yell? God, I'm such a bitch. Let me go apologize. How does he put up with me?

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04/27/2012 11:22 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14593
Group Leader

Gosh, I don't think I ever had a conversation that deep with my abuser EVER! I couldn't imagine telling him he hurt my feelings with something he said or did. One reason would be that I know he didn't care anyway and secondly, he'd know darn well what to do or say the next time he wanted to hurt me.

04/27/2012 11:59 AM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

Wow. This was my life. Everyday I'd try to get him to understand how I felt about things he did to me. Eventually I learned that he'd use whatever I brought up to hurt me even worse next time. He was never outright abusive. Everything he did was like that conversation. He didn't call me names, he didn't say I couldn't go anywhere, he didn't say I couldn't visit my family, he didn't say I couldn't have friends so I couldn't pin it all on him. He can deny everything and twist and manipulate any situation into him being obviously right.

04/27/2012 12:21 PM
NaniCam
NaniCamPosts: 288
Member

This was my life too. That is why it is called covert and those of us who are victims of this treatment feel like we are going crazy and it's always our fault.

04/27/2012 12:27 PM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

It's gaslighting. I held on to the hope that if I could just make him shut up and listen to what I had to say, the light would come on and he'd wake up and get it. I always believed I wasn't communicating my issue to him in the right way. You know how you can hear the same thing said over and over and never get it, then one day you finally get it? That's what I hoped for. I knew I could get him to care about me if I could just get my foot in the door of his brain.

When I finally realized this will never happen, I had to mourn the idea that he had the ability to care about what he did to me.


04/27/2012 12:56 PM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4948
Group Leader

There's absolutely some grief there in losing that hope! It's a hard thing to come to terms with. I kept feeling like I didn't "deserve" to divorce my father because I took it upon myself to make him understand where I was coming from and thought surely if he just understood, that things would be different. Once I realized that he wasn't really concerned about my happiness, that was quite a blow. I still mourn the loss of a loving parent, as I already had left my mother behind years ago who saw me as nothing but a burden.

Occasionally I find myself feeling nostalgic for my family, especially during holidays of course. What I came to realize though is that it isn't them that I really miss, but the idea of a happy loving family gathering. Although I had some small joyous times, overall when I think back at recent family gatherings my thoughts and feelings are dominated with negativity, guilt, and just overly unpleasant experiences. That was the reality of it. Even the good times in reality, were just small respites of lesser-abuse. It does sort of taint everything, and that's heartbreaking. That's grief to be worked through for sure.


04/27/2012 08:13 PM
NaniCam
NaniCamPosts: 288
Member

You are soooooo right, Schefflera!!

I realized that it wasn't my marriage to my ex that I missed but the fantasy that I had created. I missed the idea of what it was, because the reality was very different, though I didn't see it for a very very long time. I missed being married. But I didn't miss being married to him. There were happy times that I look back over nostalgically and have had to grieve each one. Sometimes I wonder if they were real or another part of the fantasy. I may never know.

LifeAwaits, gas lighting is evil. It always leave you questioning your sanity!!!!


07/25/2012 11:33 AM
Ch3Lina
Posts: 23
New Member

You know mine was covert most of the time till he looses his temper, which unfortunately is becoming more frequent. 6 months ago he trashed the whole house - well things id given him and my things - funny - although he said he couldn't control it neither of our computers were broken even though everything around it was. I tried to leave him then but he sobbed and did the little lost boy puppy eyes routine that we have all fallen for.

His covert moves are things like, "do you even know what that word means" or "well i can't understand what your saying if you don't explain it in this or that way." Instead of even trying to see where I'm coming from he just picks apart the way I've said it and refuses to acknowledge it because i haven't used the words he likes. Its not only infuriating but ridiculous. Im not speaking another language. But I've started to realise that it puts me on the defensive which is what he wants then he can accuse me of my tone of voice changing which is the reason he screams in my face apparently. When he started blaming me for loosing his temper that's when the light bulb went off that this was abuse. Its the classic line isn't it. I only smack you coz you push my buttons.

Its all a game to them. One which they have to win. Its really just about winning over you no matter the cost in which ever form they choose. For some its shouting and others its ignoring. Unfortunately for some of you its by any means necessary.

As much as i wish that man i met at the beginning was real I am starting to feel like i can be that for myself. I was happy a few years ago and i can be again. In time x


07/25/2012 11:38 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14593
Group Leader

He doesn't want to see where you're coming from. Abusers are not interested in the slightest in truth, honesty or fairness. They don't give a damn about that stuff. They are interested in only one thing - winning.

So he says he can't control his actions when he's mad, huh? Does he act like that when he gets mad at work? Does he act like that when he gets mad in public? I'll bet not. It's always interesting to see how selective they are about the things they damage when they're raging oo.


07/25/2012 03:01 PM
miranda17
miranda17Posts: 334
Member

OMG - I finally figured out WHY I like doing loan processing! Because there are disclosures you have to sign they spell out 'if you don't do this, this is what will happen to you - per legal requirements.' It's all spelled out and signed.

The exact opposite of life with an abuser. THEY know there isn't any recourse to 'not remembering' or 'not upholding' their side of an agreement. UGH - to think that trusting someone that can't even uphold their side of a commitment - or changes the agreement to meet their needs while the other party to the agreement is getting less to the point of being abused. That would never fly in a loan or business agreement

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