MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
04/27/2012 04:38 AM

coldness

WandaLynn
WandaLynn  
Posts: 990
Member

Hi group,

I havent written in awhile.Basically my husband had a long honeymooon period this time(over a month)where he acted like the perfect husband.

he was loving,giving,hard working etc...it was almost too good to be true.

I think the kids even were enjoying the stability and calm....well a few days ago he became the other person again.

He has started acting cold and unemotional...he would not give me money this morning for buying the kids some food this weekend.he has acted rude and moody & is getting into fights at work again.Totally different person.

This is so tough to deal with.Right when you start to embrace the decent person he becomes a monster again...it is really painful.

Reply

04/27/2012 07:26 AM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

I'm so sorry you are going through that. You don't deserve it. I know how hard it is. I am here for you!

04/27/2012 08:26 AM
WandaLynn
WandaLynn  
Posts: 990
Member

thanks sweetie,Im here for you too.hugs!

Post edited by: WandaLynn, at: 04/27/2012 08:26 AM


04/27/2012 08:31 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14593
Group Leader

A lot of times I thought it would have been much easier if he never put on the Mr. Wonderful act, especially where the kids were concerned. I eventually got used to it, knew it wasn't going to last and became determined to milk it for everything I could. The kids however fell for it every single time and they got hurt the worst when it was over. That's what just about killed and maybe in a way that's what his intention was all along. Once your feelings for them dry up, just about all they've got left to use against you is your enormous love for your children and desire to protect them.

04/27/2012 09:12 AM
Go2Girl
Go2Girl  
Posts: 252
Member

Hi WandaLynn,

How clearly I remember that! I had told my husband that sometimes I felt like I was living with Dr. Jykle and Mr. Hyde! My husband didn't get cold and distant though, but mean and aggressive. I really think that is why it was so hard for me to leave at times.. because he could be SO wonderful and so easy to love. He was so loving and thoughtful. He would shower me with attention, telling me how beautiful I was, how much he loved me, how lucky he was to have me and how much he appreciated me. I felt so connected and in love with him. He would also be great with the kids, giving them lots of his time, playing with them and acting out that “perfect family” life. It was like living in a wonderful dream. Then something would happen to him, and he would change into a completely different person. His general mood would be one of irritation where the tiniest of things could set him off. He would fly off into rages, screaming and cursing at me and the kids. Picking fights with me, with the kids, tormenting them by being cruel and getting the kids to turn on each other…. Basically creating an environment of chaos. I soon realized that his mood created the atmosphere in our house. He would be angry and short with the kids, which then in turn would cause them to act up, which then made him become even more angry and violent… to the point where he would explode in one way or another in a violent way. He would become very scary and those were usually the times where I would tell myself… what the hell am I doing here?

Then he would go back to being Mr. Wonderful and I would fall for it, over and over again. I remember one time we had been having a couple of very bad months and then we sat down and had a “heart to heart” about how we were going to fix our relationship. We even had a session with a counselor because I was at the end of my rope and was talking about wanting a divorce. It really felt like he had listened to me and we had come up with some solutions on how we were going to communicate together better etc. Things were really wonderful for a couple of months after that… we were so very happy, probably even more happy than we had ever been… or so I thought. He went back to his old ways and I was crushed, not knowing what had happened. I begged him to tell me what had changed and why things had suddenly gone back to the way they were, when we had just been so happy. His change in mood was always somehow related to something I had done to him… he would even go back and dig up things that we had fought over and resolved years before, I think just to have something to feel justified in being angry with me about. I really began to wonder if there was something wrong with him, mentally. It made me feel like I was back living with my Mother again who was diagnosed as being bi-polar (but now says it is PTSD) because that is how she acted when I was a kid. I also thought maybe it was an effect of the pain medication he was taking, or for the time he was using steroids when he was working out. I was grasping at straws trying to figure out why it was that I lived with two totally, extremely, different men. One I loved with all my heart and one I absolutely despised. It was so hard because both of these men lived inside my husband. I walked around on eggshells because I never knew who was going to greet me when I walked in the door.

Towards the end of our relationship, I couldn't take this roller-coaster any more. His “bad” times were becoming more and more scary and it hurt worse and worse every time he broke my heart by changing into the monster. It makes it so very hard because I loved that wonderful person who was inside of him… I still miss that person… I miss how good that person could make me feel, how special, loved and happy. I don't miss that other person though, not at all, not one bit. I think I finally realized that I can't have one without the other.. they are the same man after all. I couldn't live that way anymore. It hurt too bad to be with him. It really sucks to love someone and hate them at the same time. It is so confusing and hurtful… and makes it so hard to leave. You keep hoping the “good one” is here to stay, but he never stays for long before the other one comes back. It's no wonder I felt so confused and helpless all of the time… I was at the mercy of his ever changing personality.


04/27/2012 10:17 AM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4948
Group Leader

Wanda, I'm sorry to hear he has hurt you so much again... it really can be heartbreaking to see the cycle repeat itself and lost all hope once again. By putting on that Nice Guy act for so long he is able to regain your trust, and you want so much to believe that things are different now... but it seems like it never is. It really is a cruel thing to do.

Have you referred back to Why Does He Do That lately? It might offer you some comfort and understanding, even if you've read it before.


04/27/2012 11:01 AM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

My abuser never did the Mr. Wonderful act with me, never. Every day was hell, every day was "do what he wanted or get punished" day. He went from giving me the silent treatment to angry and physically aggressive, one bad to another bad.

I guess it would be harder to leave an abuser who could be nice. Sad


04/27/2012 11:20 AM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4948
Group Leader

The Mr. Nice act helps prey upon the longing hope that things will change, that he will wake up and make up for all the awful treatment, and that he really will keep those promises this time.However, I think when you get to a point where you have simply given up, they don't need the Mr. Wonderful act anymore and it is just constant abuse for a beaten down spirit. A lost self-esteem, so squashed that you feel hopeless like there is nowhere else to go. Since abusers use whatever works best with the least effort, it makes sense that he wouldn't put on the Nice Guy act if he knew that he could keep you around without it.

LifeAwaits, I'm sorry to hear that he was so cruel.. it still amazes me to hear your stories. I'm so glad you are out of that mess!


04/28/2012 07:18 AM
WandaLynn
WandaLynn  
Posts: 990
Member

thanks everybody...Lifeawaits Im sorry you never had any respect from him or consideration.I have gone through long periods where he was so meam for months on end.

I really can relate to these posts.yes,I feel like I am living with two persons sometimes.

Today he woke up and was real loving again.You never know what is coming!

Go2Girl,I also can totally relate to how they shape the atmsophere of the household.If he is cranky and angry then I get irritated and then the kids get cranky or sad.The tension is awful.

Anyhow,I just want to thank you all for the support!hugs!


04/28/2012 07:24 AM
WandaLynn
WandaLynn  
Posts: 990
Member

Go2Girl,

your story sounds alot like my life.I always think he must be mentally ill to do these things.Mine gets really angry and aggressive...not really violent but just mean and everything sets him off and he has mood swings.he has two sides...one that is a great Dad and a loyal husband.Then he turns into the monster...it is really devastating to never know what to expect.Thanks for sharing.

Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:
<< Start < Prev 1 Next > End >>


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved