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04/26/2012 06:43 AM

Angry

LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

It's been two months, two weeks, and three days since I left my abuser. I am journaling everything he did to me that I can remember, which is only 1/4 of what he did.

For the first time, I am very angry at him. All of my pious shit went right out the window. As I was writing things yesterday, I was laughing at how ridiculous some of the things he did to me was. When I wouldn't give him a blow job for two weeks (he never went unserviced that long, ever) and he started changing in the closet and told me since I didn't want or care what was under his clothes, I didn't get to see it. Lmao, that is freaking ridiculous, childish, and absurd. What was under his clothes caused me so much misery and abuse that I stopped caring 12 years ago.

That stuff is funny, but underneath it, his intention was to make me feel bad because I wouldn't give him a blow job. That makes me angry. I am coming to the scary part in my journaling that I've been dreading for over a month now. I've done the physical abuse and I didn't have a problem with that because I am disassociating. I am not reliving it, but watching it play out as if it were a movie and I was the director, starting and stopping it. One time when he choked me, I can see every detail of the scene as if I were staring at a still picture, but I cannot put myself in my own shoes and have the scene play out. I don't mind all of that because I have no feelings besides safety because I'm looking at it from afar.

However, the little things like when I told him that he hurt me and before I could get the "me" out, he'd be ready with, "no I didn't," "no you don't feel that way." All of the constant interruptions then putting the blame back on me telling me I abused him because I did the same thing. All of the psychological abuse is what I am angry about. So many times when he was doing all of those things, I would stand up and scream at him exactly how I felt. One time I did that, and this is totally embarrassing, and as I was screaming at him, I peed in my pants. I know that little kids peeing is a sign of abuse, but a grown woman screaming at her husband her feelings because he didn't care and peeing in her pants? I've never told that to anyone before.

I've said that I forgive him because he is hurt and it's true, but for right now, for today, I am so very angry that he did these things to me. I look calm as a cucumber but I am enraged. Guess I'll go write a "dear abuser" letter. Fair warning- there will be some bad words. Smile

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04/26/2012 08:25 AM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

LifeAwaits, this is a scary but also exciting time! This is a HUGE step forward! I remember it took me a very long time to feel angry about what my father did to me... but finally I was able to not only feel angry at him instead of pity for him (or myself), but to start to feel GOOD about standing up for myself and kicking him out of my life.

Be PROUD woman!! You're doing some amazing work here and it is simply fantastic! Use that anger to fuel you!

The story about him changing in the closet... I couldn't help but giggle. How ridiculous! It is interesting how childish it seems looking back but then also understanding the motivations behind it can be simply infuriating. I still find myself re-discovering examples of guilt manipulation with my various abusers. It's just sick.


04/26/2012 08:30 AM
WandaLynn
WandaLynn  
Posts: 990
Member

Life Awaits,

I am proud of you still for staying away from him and seeing clearly all the crap he put you through!Channel that energy and fight for getting your kids back...I dont like to think of them with him.You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

hugs!


04/26/2012 10:29 AM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

Thank you!! Some days I feel like I could climb a mountain and some days I want to stay in bed all day, but EVERY day, I am grateful I left him.

Today is a bad day and because I left him, I can have a bad day and only worry about me.


04/26/2012 11:16 AM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

My therapist texted me and said that leaving him is taking back my life and for me to pray about it. Ugh, I don't want to pray about it, I don't want to journal it out, I don't want to punch a pillow. I want the world to stop what it's doing so everyone can all at once know what he did to me and every person on this planet can validate me and crucify him. Put it on the news, on the radio, print it in every paper and magazine, talk about it on talk shows just for an hour or so then everyone can go back to work and he'll have no person who'll believe his bs and no place to turn for comfort. Yeah, that'll work. Then everyone will know what I've been through and I won't have to try to explain why I didn't just leave him or just tell him to stop being mean to me. Also, living things will know, too. Dogs will randomly pee on his leg, bed bugs will infest his bed, he'll get lice that he can't get rid of, he'll walk into spider's webs daily, he'll always see a roach out of the corner of his eye but never really see one, birds will poop on his head when he goes outside, trees won't put out oxygen in his yard, and flowers will never bloom near him. The universe will know!

04/26/2012 11:28 AM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

I really do believe in a form of karma... he might not get punished on the surface as you might like to see, but I really do think these things come around. Just last night I heard that my abusive mother's house got forclosed upon. I was a little sad at first (afterall, I grew up there) but mostly I couldn't help but laugh. She doesn't live there anymore and has had it on the market for years (so she doesn't need the house) but in a weird way it gives me some closure on it.

She spent thousands upon thousands of dollars fixing it up AFTER I left... when I lived there she refused to put a dime into the house because she felt like I was living there "rent free" (as a 16 year old by the way). My room flooded every time it rained so my stuff was all up on stilts, meanwhile she earned over $100k a year. The dishwasher and fridge were always on the fritz, and there were so many other problems. She seemed to love watching me struggle with it, and after I left she paid for tons of rennovations which of course just went into a forclosed house. Maybe I didn't get to smear her reputation all over town, but I think the world balances itself out in the long run. I don't like to wish ill upon people generally, but I can't help but at least feel a sense of peace when I hear bad things happen to her (and they do). It makes me feel that there is balance, at least.


04/26/2012 11:46 AM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

This seems weird to me, but I'm feeling it so I'm not going to judge myself. I am sick of myself! I am sick of being in pain, sick of the abuse that lingers in my head, sick of not being healed, sick of wishing things were different, sick of the rollercoaster of emotions, sick of feeling like I'm always complaining, sick of feeling weighed down by the abuse. I hate feeling like no one understands what I'm going through. Mainly I hate not knowing how to help myself get through this. Does that make sense?

04/26/2012 12:44 PM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

Oh I've been there honey! Acutally I'm still sort of there. In a word, it sucks! When I said something pretty similar to my therapist last week she told me that basically this is all part of the process and that it is a very good sign that I'm actually processing things (which I can then let go of). I asked what I can do to "help" and she said "Sadly, you just have to ride it out, hang with those feelings, take some time to really experience them." I responded with "Well that's not very helpful at all!" LOL!

One thing to note though: We understand what you're going through. I've really withdrawn from friends and outside activities because I feel so alone in all of this, but reading more here and other texts about abuse have helped keep me grounded. Just last week I found out a woman I know lost her son and her husband just a week later. Meanwhile she's 60-something and having to go back to work (teaching, specializing in "troubled children"Wink to support her adopted abused daughter. In addition she volunteers and seems to be constantly doing something amazing. I look at her, and people like her, and I keep thinking to myself "what the hell am I doing here? Why can't I be like that?" However, it isn't exactly fair to compare myself like that. I'm going through a healing phase, call it a health sabbatical if you will, and I know I'll come out stronger in the end. I imagine you will too Smile


04/26/2012 12:59 PM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

Sitting with these feelings is causing me to be uncomfortable. I hate feeling like this. This is how I used to feel when I was with him. Powerless over my emotions. I drank beer to make those feelings go away and they did. The beer altered my mood and made me happy. I really want my mood altered because I am so very uncomfortable, like I'm crawling out of my skin. I know it's my brain desperately trying to not deal with all of these feelings. So, yeah I can this as progress. It does suck.

04/26/2012 01:05 PM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

I know what you mean... but I think discomfort is a good sign, honestly. It means that you're attacking and digging through the scary crap that nobody wants to deal with. It means you'll be able to LET GO sooner or later!

Try your best to wade through them without dulling them with alcohol... that can be a dangerous path, and it definitely slows down the actual progress. That being said, I can honestly say I've had a couple of drinks to help turn my brain off when I desperately needed the rest. Is it a good idea? Probably not, but you do need to rest too. I try to turn to meditation more than the booze nowadays though and I've found it helpful. You might want to look into mindfulness exercises and things like that too.

Good luck!

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