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04/25/2012 11:29 AM

Analyzing Incidents

LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

I was thinking about all of the things my abuser did to me and said to me. I would go to the only friend he let me have and we'd talk about it for an hour, analyzing it and trying to figure out why he did that. What had happened during his day to make him be that way or what had I done or not done to make him say that? I would try to follow a logical train of events that would logically lead to the explanation of his behavior. I thought that if I found the trigger that made him do that specific mean thing, then I could change myself and not do whatever I did to trigger him so I wouldn't "get it."

As I read Bancroft's book, I began to understand that when he starting b*tching about the dishes in the sink, it had nothing to do with the dishes. I eventually understood that if he wasn't griping about the dishes, he would use something else to start an argument. He is an abuser and he needed to make feel worthless to be better able to control me. Making me feel like a failure as a wife, mother, and housekeeper because dishes were in the sink was a tactic of abuse he used in his ultimate goal of control.

As soon as I understood this, I wasn't bawling about the dishes or running and jumping up to do them so he would see I wasn't an utter failure. I relayed my newfound knowledge to my friend and wanted her to understand her abuser was the same way because they all are.

One day, she cried and cried and told me something her husband said to her. He told her that when he goes near her privates, he gags over the smell and when they are having sex, she smells so bad he has to cover his nose. He told her he was telling her this as a favor to her for the next man she is with. Needless to say, she was shocked and horrified he said that. In reality, she didn't want to be near him much less have sex with him and he's the one who insisted he do things to where his nose would be near her. Now she's obsessed with being clean.

I truly believe that if she understood that he was saying that because he is an abuser and his goal is to make her feel worthless so he can better control her, she would not have been affected by it to the extent she was.

The more I read Bancroft's book, the less power his words and actions had over me because I knew why he was those doing horrible things to me and I knew they would never stop and actually get worse.

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04/25/2012 12:16 PM
SetmeFree
SetmeFree  
Posts: 400
Member

I wanted to order a couple books for the boys today and ordered a copy of Bancroft's book to get myself over $25 for free shipping...even though I am feeling a little bad about blowing money on myself right now...I cannot wait til I have the book here to reference.

04/25/2012 12:20 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14596
Group Leader

That's why I always say that reading Bancroft's book is like learning how a magician does his tricks. Once you know, they lose their power over you. Did your friend ever read Bancroft's book? I feel so sorry for her, but I know what she's saying. That reminded me of something mine did. Once, we were on a plane flying back from another horrendous vacation. I had gotten my period while on vacation. On the plane, I used the bathroom and as all of you who have flown know, airplane bathrooms are so tiny that you barely have room in them to turn around. You do the best you can though. Well, when I was finished, I left the bathroom and my abuser went in after me to use it. I went back to my seat. A few minutes later, he came back and told me, in a louder than normal voice, that I had left droplets or smears of blood in the bathroom. I am sure he was exagerating wildly as he often did, but I was nonetheless mortified! He went on to say that it was a good thing HE had followed me in there and not some stranger because it was quite disgusting. I kept trying to shush him or to get him to lower his voice, but he only seemed to get louder and then he said, "I'M JUST TRYING TO SAVE YOU THE EMBARASSMENT OF HAVING IT HAPPEN AGAIN THAT YOU LEAVE BLOOD ALL OVER A PUBLIC BATHROOM WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR PERIOD." I thought to myself how is this saving me any embarassment when you're shouting about it. I was absolutely humiliated. I never would have done something like that to someone.

Post edited by: Meg1129, at: 04/25/2012 09:06 PM


04/25/2012 01:16 PM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4954
Group Leader

SetmeFree, trust me, getting that book is an investment in your health and your future. I can't wait to hear what you think of it! Read it and read it again!

04/25/2012 06:27 PM
SetmeFree
SetmeFree  
Posts: 400
Member

I borrowed it from the library a couple months ago...made things a lot clearer for me, glad to have my own copy on it's way that I can refer to at anytime.

04/25/2012 07:15 PM
Go2Girl
Go2Girl  
Posts: 252
Member

It's funny the things that stay with you... My first abusive boyfriend told me one time when we were having sex that my "a$$ looked like a golf ball" because of the dimples I have due to cellulite. To this day, I am extremely self-conscious about it and won't let anyone see my rear end. It actually used to make my husband mad that I would cover myself any time I was naked around him... not that I ever told him the real reason why, he just knew I was self-conscious about it. That comment was made to me about 15 years ago and I still carry the effects with me to this day. Some things are hard to forget!
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