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04/25/2012 10:21 AM

It's over, right? Why do I still feel crazy?!

Elsie419
Posts: 16
New Member

He knocked on my door again. This time he told me he wanted to check on me to make sure I was OK. I had been ignoring all his messages and had blocked all forms of internet communication with him. Apparently he didn't take the hint. He looked scared, like a little boy as he spoke to me. He shuffled his feet nervously. I had to keep reminding myself of all the awful and cruel things he has said to me in the past.

He told me that he wanted to be friends. That he missed me as a person and wanted to be able to talk to me. That all the mean stuff he had said previously (which included never wanting to talk to me again) wasn't true. That he was just upset and needed some space. (Space? apparently a week and a half is his definition of space!). He told me that he still wanted me in his life.

I said no. I tried to keep my response short, so I wouldn't give him any ammunition. I told him that I can't be in contact with him anymore and that we can't even be friends. I shut my front door, locked it and immediately started panicking. Why? I don't know.

Five minutes later, I hear a loud bang. I look around to see if something in my place fell. Nothing. And then it suddenly dawned on me, he kicked or punched my door. That was the end of it though. Nothing else happened.

Part of me felt stupid for being so scared and panicked -- but part of me also felt justified. He has never really done anything that bad... so why am I so terrified that he might go to that next level??? I feel like I'm going crazy...

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04/25/2012 10:28 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14590
Group Leader

You're not going crazy. He invented an excuse to see you and basically lied to. He knew you were okay. He knew he was being frozen out. You absolutely did the right thing in keeping the conversation short and to the point and closing the door in his face. Then he dropped the Mr. Nice Guy act long enough to kick your door. You are totally justified! In fact, if you want to take it one step further and let him know that you mean business and to leave you alone, you can call the police about this incident and just make them aware of the situation. Give them his name, his address and the make and model of his car.

It feels very scary when we first start defending our boundaries because we definitely aren't used to that. You absolutely did the right thing though! You should be very proud of yourself.


04/25/2012 10:33 AM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

Abusers are scary. We never know what they are capable of and just as soon as I thought my abuser had hit his limit, he did something scarier.

Your body's response is a natural one. It's not like you closed the door and told yourself, "ok, I choose to feel the emotion of fear and panic now." Your body was alerting you to danger. When a deer in the woods hears something, they don't assess the situation and question whether it's justifiable, they just bolt. That voice in your head thinking that he has never done anything that bad is his voice justifying everything that he did to you and downplaying those things.

Kicking your door because you told him you wanted nothing to do with him is a violent action.

In reality, the nervous little boy is just an act. When he told you he needed space, he fully expected you to go back to him and when you didn't, he put on this act. It didn't work and you gave him no room to manipulate you so he got mad and allowed himself to kick the door.

If he comes back to your house, I would call the cops. That may seem silly or a little overboard, but think about all of the things he did to you. Think about the door kicking incident happening to your best friend or daughter. What would you tell her?


04/25/2012 10:37 AM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4946
Group Leader

You're not crazy at all! I'd be panicked too! Many kudos to you for keeping your response short and sticking to your guns about the No Contact. That's a major step forward for sure!!

I agree with Meg though: When the sweet innocent shoe-shuffling boy who "just wants to be friends" act didn't work on you anymore, he started to show his true colors by kicking/punching the door. That's an indicator right there for sure that he could try other tactics. I think contacting the police would be a good idea just to give them a heads up on the situation just to be extra safe. Even if he has never been physically abusive before, this can be a very dangerous time.

You should be very proud of yourself though for how you handled it! It's okay to feel panicked and even guilty right now... it's all part of the healing process. The important thing is that you are DOING the right things, and the rest will catch up soon.


04/25/2012 10:48 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14590
Group Leader

Maybe in light of this incident you should take the Mosaic Threat Assessment test on our board. It's a sticky'd post (black push pin icon in front of it). If you took it already, take it again because he definitely added new information.

04/25/2012 12:15 PM
Elsie419
Posts: 16
New Member

Meg1129, I did take the assessment before and got a 7 on it, which was surprising to me. I dont think the number will changed based on this incident though because he has had violent outburst before -- always on objects though, not me.

Thanks to ALL of you for helping me feel a little less crazy. And I agree, the nervous little boy thing was an act... and I will admit that it was hard not to fall for it. A part of me still wants to believe everything he says! Even though I know better.

There is another piece of information to my story that is important... when he moved out, he told me that he would still be living close by and asked me if that would be OK. At that point I just wanted him gone, so I said yes. And then he moved right next door to me. Talk about nerve racking... I have live the next few months knowing that he is RIGHT there. It makes it so much harder for me to heal, relax and move on with my life just knowing he is so close. I haven't run into him since this last encounter, but it's only a matter of time....


04/25/2012 12:22 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14590
Group Leader

Definitely call the police in that case. Make them aware of what's going on. Maybe you can even get a restraining order.

04/25/2012 01:23 PM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4946
Group Leader

I agree. Get the police informed on the situation. Document every incident that occurs. Every time he shows up on your doorstep, the time, the date, etc. You might have to get ready to file for a restraining order if he will not respect your boundaries. If he shows up at your door, inform him that he is trespassing and that you will call the police if he comes around again.

04/25/2012 01:33 PM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

I learned the hard way that documenting everything is crucial. He did things to me that I had been programmed to believe were either my fault or no big deal. I see now that I'm out of it how wrong they were and I wished I would have documented them and called the police. Then he would have a record of violence against me.

04/25/2012 04:16 PM
mem7205

Elsie,You are not crazy.That I can tell you definitively.You felt fear because there was something to be fearful of.Him.Please make sure you have a safety plan in place.It sounds like it is time to get a restraining order against him if you do not already have one in place.Trust me on that.You need one.Report every single violation of it.Retake the mosaic test.It is worth the time.Your life and safety may be at stake.

HUGS.Lanna

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