MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
04/24/2012 02:45 PM

Something from Bancroft's book

mem7697

"-to bring up his hurt and "pain" over something YOU did ages ago, and have long-since paid for."

The above is something i had a tendency to do with my ex,only because i would have found something that he had said hurtful and inappropriate though and wasn't sure how to deal with it so at times i would mention it numerous times as i was so hurt.Does this make me abusive?

Reply

04/24/2012 03:39 PM
SetmeFree
SetmeFree  
Posts: 400
Member

During the last couple of years when my abuser had his GF on the payroll and showing up for work at my house everyday...I would start bringing up some of his more selfish stories whenever she started complaining about him running late and ruining her life by making her wake up 1 hour earlier than she needed to. He did not like me to mention the time my gall bladder was infected and I spent 12+ hours dry heaving, dehydrated and in pain trying to care for a 2 year old and an infant because there was a meeting he wanted to be a part of....he finally came home(after picking up my 14 year old stepson to help with the younger kids).....and then proceeded to swing through the Wendy's drive thru to grab himself something to eat on the way to the ER. Another time he drove past 4 groceries stores on his way home while I had whooping cough(caring for an infant with whooping cough and an active not sick 2 year old)walked in and demanded dinner then much later demanded that I go get him something 'different' for dessert because he was bored with what was in the house...it was late and winter time...the cold air set off my coughing and I was on the verge of passing out at the grocery store...I was turning colors and the cashiers asked if they could call me an ambulance.

Was I abusive for sharing those stories about his behavior? Maybe I was. But at that point the embarrassment that I caused him was NOTHING compared to what he had done to me over the years...as far as I was concerned it was high time that he squirm a little bit.

I would ask yourself why your issues went unresolved to the point where you couldn't let something go....obviously you needed more to process it before letting it go perhaps there was something 'off' about it that he wouldn't admit to or answer.


04/24/2012 03:53 PM
mem7697

Sorry Setmefree i don't quite understand.What do you mean?

04/24/2012 04:51 PM
SetmeFree
SetmeFree  
Posts: 400
Member

Because of the abuse that we suffer we sometimes may behave in ways that could be construed as abusive. Some of it is reactionary...and honestly diemcarpe if there was something you kept bringing up to better understand or process I wouldn't consider that abusive..ESPECIALLY if it was just one little segment of the abuse that you suffered.

I think it would help you immensely to start writing about the things he did to you and stop trying to shoulder all of the blame for what the things he did to you.

After reading the description of passive aggressive abuse the other day I think many of us(abuse victims) could be labeled as abusers as we learned to stuff down our feelings and unhappiness as we suffered abuse..but that really isn't fair because many of us were trying to survive and stuffing things down was the only way to keep the peace.


04/24/2012 05:08 PM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

Did you bring up the past issues as a way of picking a fight and "making him pay" or because you never got a chance to really discuss it as much as you needed to before? A lot of times victims of abuse feel like they might be "nagging" or "digging up the past" (and their abusers accuse them of these things) when in reality they are just trying to address an issue that he never allowed to be addressed.

04/25/2012 02:07 AM
mem7697

I did it because the issues were causing me pain and i was very hurt that a loved one would say these things.We did discuss them (though who knows,maybe we hadn't discussed them to the extent that i liked) but i think it was the fact that somebody who i loved and who said that they loved me would make such comments in the first place that deeply hurt me and kind of shook my grounding in the relationship.That's why i had a tendency to bring them up,i was in pain.

Post edited by: diemcarpe, at: 04/25/2012 02:07 AM


05/18/2012 11:16 AM
mem7697

And it's funny as he did accuse me in the end of repeatedly bringing up the past Scheff.I'm not sure if i felt that the issues werent resolved properly with him but clearly i felt that they werent resolved within me and i felt a sense of insecurity in the relationship after some of the things he would say/do,hence repeatedly bringing them up.My OCD may have played a part too but fundamentally i wouldnt have repeatedly brough these things up if they hadn't happened in the first place.

If we had discussed these things before but i still brought them up again (perhaps repeatedly) anyway (because i was so hurt by them) and if it was the case that he didn't wan to listen or engaage in the conversation would that still count as abuse on his part?


05/18/2012 01:28 PM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

If something is hurting you, you should be able to bring it up with your partner no matter how many times you have brought it up before. If it still bothering you, it's still a current issue.

05/19/2012 05:49 AM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

That is a great way to look at things. Use your anger to fuel your resolve. After you leave him, you have the rest of your life to heal from the abuse.

05/19/2012 08:50 AM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

The problem is that you CAN'T fully process the abuse (which you need to do in order to let it go) when you're under the thumb of an abuser. You simply aren't allowed to because you'r operating in "crisis mode". This is why sometimes people that leave their abusers go through bouts of depression in the early stages of healing... they have to work through all the things they never could before, eventually allowing them to let go of them forever!
Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:
<< Start < Prev 1 Next > End >>


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved