Emotional Abuse Support Group

I'm having a really rough day of it today guys in terms of what's going on in my head after splitting with my ex and what he did to me in terms of the emotional abuse.

I'm still retracing my steps in the relationship at times and overthinking.My latest bout of overthinking concerns my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and wondering if that in some way caused me to go on about things when i did or bring things up from the past like i did (even though i know the real reason i did these things was because i was hurt over something or it was causing me distress).I'm wondeing if my OCD caused me to react certain ways which in turn aggravated my ex and provoked him to some of the things he said.

I hope that i didn't fail him in any way or that i wasn't partly to blame for his behaviour.

And i am starting to suspect that i am quite ready to fully accept that he was abusive to me.Plus i contacted him the other day.I really need support today.

Post edited by: diemcarpe, at: 04/22/2012 08:37 AM

You are not responsible for his behaviour. Even if you smacked him in the head with a brick. He chooses his own behaviour. He is a big boy. He knows right from wrong. Believe me, I am an abuse victim. I have been raped. I have had a loaded gun held to my head. I have had my head pushed through a glass window. If anyone has a right to react to abuse WITH abuse, it's US ... but we don't. Being abused does not make someone abusive.

What i'm wondering is in the situations where i was trying to address an issue between us (which often would lead to an argument between us as i would get frustrated at not being able at him not receiving my communication) was i going on about it too much and if my OCD was causing that even though i know that it wasn't.It's just me overthinking again.I wasn't being abusive with him in any way.

Anybody else have feedback?

P.S. So sorry to hear of your ordeals Meg xxx.

I believe that you were not over reacting.....I have a right to react to any given situation....if any person including my abuser puts me in a vulnerable position I can choose to react calmly....if that person is not being reasonable and makes me feel more vulnerable and show me that I am wrong....I have the right to make my point....if the other party does not receive my message respectfully, I believe I have the right to state my point in a more clear way....by raising my voice perhaps, using other words that describe my concept better.....I remember very very clearly how I have in the past with my abuser and with other people NOW I REMEMBER!!....bec I felt that they were not understanding my point!!!!...and I also remember my older friend Rose who turned out to be an abuser too.....would make kindda fun or state I was over reacting bec of my background of having an abusive background, etc....and I used to feel with all of my heart that I was being purposely misunderstood!!!...I think I know what you are talking about.....and felt sooooo deeply guilty for feeling that my point was being put disregarded!!!...it felt very very unfair and it hurt me deeply....it used to drive me nuts...well....now having experienced the abuse relationship with my ex boyfriend....I have learned...that all along I have been correct!!!!!...it is the other people that act passive aggresive purposely in an effort to make you feel crazy and their immediate satisfaction to proove themselves right of something they feel highly uncomfortable and that they envy my position of being independent to make freely observations for I have no or little fears that are limiting my appreciation ...something like religion perhaps that can intimidate other people that have authority over me......I hope this makes sense and I am getting your point.....this time, I have gained the understanding with my gut instinct...it is no longer about what people believe that prooves a point is accurate or not...I will google it...and if it is regarding an experience that I have an feel it with my gut instinct...no longer do I try to make my point more clear....but YES! I clearly remember my abuser touching this spot and driving me crazy trying to proof my point!.....and I felt whole heartertly that I was right!.....this is not an unusual thing to feel....they are attempting to crash your feelings your conviction your right to feel what you feel and express what you believe to be corrrect...specially in an abusive partner relationship...bec remember there are other abusers out there...like at work that I continue to identify!!!....the important thing is to know that they are abusers and identify their intent...and let them be and move away...and not to loose yourself in the process....bec else, you will want to fight them til they!!! (KEY: we are looking for their approval!!!) give you their approval to your existance.....so there are many instances and I have lost friends in the process where I identify my ex friends....telling me like if they are gods of some kind what is right and what is wrong......so I have told them...I am not looking for your approval, I am stating bec I want to be heard....I may want their oppinion....and it feels sooo aggravating when they state their responses of what they KNOW it is true or not..instead of what they think they know which is allowing you to co exist with their oppinion and share a common ground of cordial conversation where both of you can co exist in peace......I believe your abuser drove you nuts and you felt nuts and feel entirely responsable for this....I believe also, that my abusers knows how to trigger my prooving me wrong...and now that I know how this works...I tell myself....OH!...I am looking for his approval!......ah!!...is this what I am really looking for....and if indeed I am approaching for example Meg1129...I get right to the point and I ask her...I am looking for your approval....etc....what do you think?.....it is a whole lot easier when you know what you are looking for...also if someone is crashing your right to react one way or another...something that noone has a right to do....then I do in these scenarios once I recognize it...I know it is better to remove myself from the situation...it will hurt me as I will fight and will in the long run make me feel worst....hope this makes sense and I am getting to your point...is has allowed me to realize things about myself in the process....and yes, you are normal and your over reacting is very very normal; I have done many times the same thing...and also felt crazy and guilty for something I should have not....now I know better....I have been right all along...you are too....

Hug, Patricia

Diem,

My abuser did have obsessive compulsive tendencies and it was extremely annoying for me because he would obsesse ove it for four hours and the only thing that got him to stop for a little while was to run out of the house and refuse to talk to him for an hour. Even then he would obsessively call me or bug me and try to get me to come home. He never gave me the space I needed to get over the fight.

But his obsessive compulsive behavior is not what started the fight. You should realize that. Being obsessive compulsive can exacerbate a problem, but it does not create the problem.

My abuser was ABUSIVE!

Like the majority of our fights would start with me being disrespected. He would call me a bitch, or he would scream at me or get angry with me for not "agreeing" with everything he had to say to me. I recall on several occasions I would tell him that what he did was wrong, and it wasn't okay for him to get three speeding tickets in one day in my car...and I couldn't believe he had the nerve to tell me that it wasn't his fault that he got three speeding tickets in one day....seriously? How much shit did he expect me to take?

Well because I refused to tell him that it was okay and that I understood, he obsessively compulsively said the same shit over and over and over again until I finally ran out of the house screaming. I got in the car and went for a drive and I smoked about half a pack of cigarettes before I went back cause I was so stressed out.

One time we had a disagreement about an interacial dating.

I am caucasion and so was my abuser. One day I saw a really handsome African american on the television and I made a comment like..."I'd tap that". To me I thought it was okay because my abuser would often see Scarlett Johanson on the TV and refer to her "Golden P***Y".

Well because the guy was black, my abuser threw a fit over it and accused me of being a "n*g**r Lover". Because I wouldn't back down on my opinion, he screamed at me, accused me of being a hypocrite. I told him he was a racist. He than retaliated by telling me that my father was a racist.

I'm not making excuses for my dad, he did use the "N" word one time in front of me and John and I got onto him about it and he never used it again.

Well that night, John used the "N" word about 100 times to emphasize that what my father said was racist and that he by no way was a racist.

His obsessive compulsive behavior definately made our fights worse, but it was his abusive nature that made them the fights that they were.

I don't think that my OCD nature made our fights worse.My frustration in some of the arguments stemmed from the fact that i couldn't seem to communicate with him.I'd hate to think that my OCD nature made the arguments worse.I hope they didn't.

Post edited by: diemcarpe, at: 04/22/2012 12:35 PM

I don't think you understand what I am saying. He's an abuser to the core

Diemcarpe....the situation that you found yourself not being able to communicate with your partner is part of the abusers 101 characteristics!!!....everybody that I have read of this forum describes having encounter the same with their abusers.....abuser do not communicate period!...I remember LifeAwaits telling that she would cry asking her abuser to talk to her in their house and he refused....and yet during the social gatherings he would talk often and it was there that she would find out about his feelings, his ideas and his plans...same exact thing that happened to me....so you are not the only one that experience problems communicating with you abuser...it happens to all of us.....so this proves that you are not the one that created the conflicts...and Meg1129 posted in another forum...the abusers problem is not the causing a confrontation, the confrontation has been already planned ahead of time it is the abusers idea on how the fight is directed and how it ends....you are not at fault at all...I now that this concept is hard to grasp and it is only time and reading that is going to convince you too...just like it happened to me......rest at peace bec all of this period shall pass too......keep your eyes opened...and treat yourself with extra care....one trick that continues to help me significantly is to not blame me anymore and treat me gingerly with heeps of love and acceptance of my feelings...and not to act on my overwhelming feelings...when I feel overwhelmed I kindda seat next to myownself and I look at my feelings and I tell myself I am here to help you...you are not going to die or explote or be paralized for the rest of your life...I love you I love you I love you and I am here to help....just as if I were a baby crying for no apparent reason and trying to understand how I can get to the feelings so I can uncode them so that I can help me sooth the ache....even if I did something wrong...I was late to a job interview...what ever it might be....I have learned to treat myself very very very gingerly and I refuse to talk to me in a rough way like I use to do before...I am the sole providor of my peace and nothing is going to jeopardize my human health and well being even if I were to get fire from a job....bec if I loose my health I cannot apply for another job...and honestly I am a very nice person and I will find something else but I need to be one with myself...in the good and in the not so good....and I will always bring the serenity within myself...it belongs to me and I enjoy having it around for good...I am not going to punish me for nothing....I am loving me as I am my best friend....it is as when I had my cocker spaniels...I was so attentive to their needs when they were healthy I could communicate with them without words, I knew they were happy, frustrated, sad in pain and when we bonded taking obedience or agility classes or went for a walk....we were always connected...even when I was at work...I was making plans on adventurous things, etc.....this is the relationship that I have with myself....and when I need help I am the first one to run for my help and then take it to the domestic hotline...knowing that my sole purpose is to help me express my pain and the purpose to find the pain so that I can help it sooth it.....hope my tactics help you in your process to get out of your abusers path.....Hug, Patricia

Patricia is absolutely right. Think of it this way. In a relationship with an abuser, it's all about getting HIS needs met, not yours.