From "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.
"An abuser's behavior is primarily conscious- he acts deliberately rather than by accident or by losing control of himself- but the underlying thinking that drives his behavior is largely not conscious.
When Is It Abuse?
There is a difference between having a bad day and being a jerk and a pattern that adds up to something more serious. Behaviors such as name calling, interrupting and acting selfish and insensitive are hurtful and worthy of criticism but they aren't all abuse, except when they are part of a pattern of abuse. Abuse is about power, it means that a person is taking advantage of a power imbalance to exploit or control someone else.
The lines where subtler kinds of mistreatment end and abuse begins include the following actions:
He retaliates against you for complaining about his behavior- repeating behaviors he knows you dislike, switching into the role of the victim, ridiculing you for complaining of mistreatment. He doesn't believe tha tyou have the right to defy him.
He tells you that your objections to his mistreatment are your own problem- says you are too sensitive, you think everyone is abusing you, you're angry because you are not getting your own way. He is trying to persuade you that you have unreasonable expectations of his behavior, that you are actually reacting to something else and that you are using your complaints against him. These tactics are to discredit your complaints of mistreatment, which is abusive. His core attitude is "you have no right to object to how I treat you".
He gives apologies that sound insincere or angry, and he demands you accept them. He feels entitled to forgiveness and demands it.
He blames you for the impact of his behavior- For example, if she is mistrustful of him because of his mistreatment of her, he says that her lack of trust is causing her to percieve him as abusive, reversing cause and effect in a mind-twisting way. If your partner criticizes or puts you down for being badly affected by his mistreatment, that is abuse.
It's never the right time, or the right way, to bring things up- Initial defensiveness is comon even in nonabusive people. With an abuser however, even time after an argument to cool off doesn't help. In fact, the time between arguments may be used to build a case against you.
He undermines your progress in life- he tells you that you are incompetent at something you enjoy, causes you to lose a job or drop out of school, takes advantage of you financially and ruins your economic security, causes damage to your relationships with friends and family.
He denies what he did- denying actions such as name calling or pounding his fist on the table
Justifies hurtful or frightening acts or says you "made him do it"- He may tell you he can yell because you're not listening to him or says he will stop one form of abuse if you stop doing something that bothers him, which often will be something you have every right to do.
He touches you in anner or puts you in fear in other ways- even if it only happens once, physical aggression is abuse. If he raises a fist, punches a hole in the wall, throws things at you, blocks your way, restrains you, grabs you, pushes, pokes or threatens to hurt you, that is physical abuse. He is creating fear and using your need for safety to control you. Call a hotline as soon as possible if any of these things happens to you. Physical abuse is dangerous. Once it starts in a relationship, it can escalate over time to more serious assaults. Any form of physical initimidation is highly upsetting to children who are exposed to it.
He coerces you into having sex or sexually assaults you- sexual assault or chronic sexual pressure is abuse.
His controlling, disrespectful or degrading behavior is a pattern- wil you will need to form your own conclusions about whether your partner's mistreatment of you has become repetitive.
You show signs of being abused- are you afraid of him? Are you getting distant from friends and family? Is your level of energy and motivation declining, do you feel depressed? Is your self-opinion declining? Do you find yourself constantly preoccupied with the relationship and how to fix it? Do you feel like you can't do anything right?
Control Tactics in Arguments
Sarcasm
Ridicule
Distorting what happened in an earlier interaction
Sulking
Accusing you of doing what he does, or thinking the way he thinks
Using a tone of absolute authority
Interrupting
Not listening, refusing to respond
Laughing out loud at your opinion or perspective
Turning your grievances around to use against you
Changing the subject to his grievances
Criticism that is harsh, undeserved or frequent
Provoking guilt
Playing the victim
Smirking, rolling his eyes, contemptuous facial expressions
Yelling, out-shouting
Swearing
Name calling, insults, put downs
Walking out
Towering over you
Walking towards you in an intimidating way
Blocking a doorway
Physical intimidation, such as getting too close when angry
Threatening to leave or harm you"
http://www.hipmama.com/node/17513
Post edited by: Meg1129, at: 04/20/2012 07:38 PM
