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04/19/2012 06:22 AM

First session with abuse counsellor

mem7697

Had my first session with the abuse counsellor today and it went great.Decided that i'm going to see her every week from now on.

On another note,i am currently going through another bout of overthinking.Was thinking of 2 o r 3 occasions when i tried to initiate sex with my ex and he didn't want to (he wasn't turning me down to be abusive)and i got angry with him and i am wondering if that made me abusive.I know that i shouldn't have done that.Does everybody do this at some point?Would that have made me abusive to him?

Post edited by: diemcarpe, at: 04/19/2012 06:24 AM

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04/19/2012 06:28 AM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4959
Group Leader

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you seem to be attempting to invent any and every reason you can to blame yourself instead of him. Are you afraid of labeling him as an "abuser"? It can be a pretty scary thing to come to terms with.

04/19/2012 06:30 AM
madi1823
 
Posts: 279
Member

I remember getting mad too.

I think it was because i kept being told i was never initiating or showing interest. Then when i would, he would say no... use to get me so irritated... i tried not to show it to him though, i would just go to sleep (or pretend to sleep).

It has to do with thier entitlement issues i think. They want us to know that (or think) they can have us when they want us, and turn us down when they want to... it was like it was part of his game..... at least in my situation.

Or The worst (to me and sorry if this is TMI lol) he would start all the forplay stuff, and then just stop.... just to bug me.... he even told me this!!! Arg!


04/19/2012 06:32 AM
madi1823
 
Posts: 279
Member

Schefflera is completely right! It is a very scarey thing to come to terms with.... i had huge problems with this... still do at times.... even 8 months later adn he is still controling me!

04/19/2012 06:46 AM
mem7697

Well i have OCD which prompts wild overthinking and has gotten worse since we split so i am retracing my steps in the relationship alot.In these instances re the sex i honestly don't think he being abusive to me in any way though.Does mean that i was being abusive to him in getting angry?

As for the question of whether i am not quite ready to consider him an abuser (and this is unrelated to the sex thing) i do think that that's possible.I even suspect that part of me may still love him.And when i overthink is when i feel like contacting him.Got the urge to do so only a while ago.


04/19/2012 12:04 PM
mem7697

Cheers guys!Anybody else have feedback?

04/19/2012 12:20 PM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

I found myself going over and over situations in my head to try to justify what he was doing. I blamed myself and just knew it was because of me. BUT, that is because HE is an abuser and always turns everything around on me and makes me think/feel it was me. Getting mad at your partner for turning you down is not abuse. Abuse is him turning you down and you giving him the silent treatment for days at a time, you saying horribly mean things to him, you doing what you can to punish him for turning you down. Also, to be an sbuser, you must think you are entitled to him giving you sex when you ask for it and never saying no.

04/19/2012 05:07 PM
mem7205

diemcarpe,I am proud of you for taking the positive step of going to counseling.Good for you!I know it can be hard to let go of the thinking pattern where you blame yourself for the abuse.You have asked us if you are an abuser.We have tried to tell you "No."Ask yourself these questions anyway.To reassure yourself that you are not an abuser.

1.Do I get enjoyment from controlling other people?

2.Do I enjoy hurting other people physically or emotionally?

3.Do I have a pattern(doing it over and over and over) of deliberately hurting others with no regard for their feelings?

4.When I hurt other people am I sorry?As in making an effort to not let it happen again.

5.Do I have empathy for other people's emotions?When I see someone in pain does it bother me?

If you can answer "No" to the first three questions and "Yes" to the last one you can be rest assured that you are NOT an abuser and never will be.

Lanna

Post edited by: Lanna, at: 04/19/2012 05:09 PM

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