Emotional Abuse Support Group

I'm wondering if anyone else is or has gone through this. My abuser constantly berates me for my "poor" housekeeping. He has done this since day one. In all honesty, he is correct, but he contributes in a large part to that. I am not a saver. If I lived on my own, I would probably be a minimalist, but he has to save everything and he leaves piles of crap, mostly work related, all over the house as well as shoes, newspapers, etc. He also has to save all the receipts and boxes from anything we buy (not grocery boxes) in case we want to return the items. He leaves slop on the counter all the time.

I know I could do better keeping house, but I'm so tired and unmotivated most of the time. My friend thinks I'm depressed even though I try to put on a happy face as much as I can. He travels often and when he's gone, I feel about 20 years younger and 50 lbs. lighter. My kids say I'm much more relaxed when he's not here.

He makes me feel like a pig and yet, I've been into many friends' houses that were much worse than mine. My house is not dirty ... just a bit cluttered and maybe dusty. Not even close to what you see on those TV shows about hoarders. For myself, I could invite a friend over for coffee tomorrow and not be embarassed about the state of my house.

A couple of years ago, I joined FlyLady and I became hooked on it, but he didn't notice a thing. He never said anything to me about the house being spotless so I guess I just stopped trying.

He says I'm lazy and just sponging off him. I don't think I'm lazy because I work a part-time job, am practically a single parent and volunteer a lot. Sometimes I think I don't like to clean the house just because I know that's what he wants. It's not like I'm sitting home watching TV or playing on the computer all day.

I can't tell you how much I've been hammered over the years on this issue and how much self-esteem I've lost over it and yet I think that if he weren't here, my house would be in tip top condition. I was just wondering if anyone else experienced this.

Been there done that...mine used to help clean until the day I married him....he even refused to scoop kitty litter when I was pregnant...yet tried to guilt me out of driving while pregnant stating that it wasn't worth the risk...unless he wanted something from the store. I used to sit there overwhelmed, knowing it was useless to try. Sure he would thank me on the days I made huge efforts like steam cleaning carpets, scrubbing grout(75% of the house was tiled with light colored grout) and then he would turn around 2 minutes later throwing his clothes on the floor, not picking up dropped soda cans, leaving business receipts everywhere. Mine was a hoarder too...I managed to keep him contained to outside, the Florida room and his office and then he just started collecting pets.... giant fish tanks, 2 giant dogs, 5 cats...he would wait until I washed tile and then decide to change water/clean fish tanks.

I had a routine where I could buzz through the house 20 minutes before he came home to make it look like I was busy all day...anything more than 20 minutes was just wasting my energy.

SetmeFree, that's exactly how I felt too -- anything more than 20 minutes was a waste of time! Mine also was a "saver" and he left piles of crap all over the place. He would yell about the house, but I never lost anything. I knew exactly where everything was. He, on the other hand, lost everything on practically a daily basis ... his keys, his wallet, his garage door opener, his glasses, receipts, etc.

My mother was seriously like Felix Unger. I mean she'd come to visit you and clean your stove while chatting and drinking tea. It's impossible for her not to get up and start wiping something. He used to always tell me that he was a clean freak to which I finally responded one day, "No, you aren't a clean freak. My mother is a clean freak. I know what a clean freak is and a clean freak does not leave clothes and newspapers all over. A clean freak does not leave the toilet unflushed and coffee spills and grounds all over the counter."

When I first met him, he was sharing an apartment with a hoarder. I mean this guy HOARDED. My mother would have been organizing, cleaning and throwing things out. My abuser did none of that. He lived in it because the guy wasn't charging him any rent. I remember once going over there and my abuser pointing to a loaf of bread that had fallen off the table and remained on the floor so long that a mouse had chewed a hole right through the middle of the whole loaf like a tunnel. He thought it was disgustingly hilarious. I was totally grossed out by it and wondered why, if he was as disgusted by it as he claimed to be, he didn't just pick the damn thing up and toss it in the trash bin. That wouldn't even take three seconds to do and didn't involve wiping, sweeping or scrubbing.

I'd be willing to say we ALL have!! Take heart, it isn't about your housecleaning skills. I LOVE Flylady!!! I joined years ago and had every intention of shining my sink daily, but I would only do it for a few days and slack off. I told myself all of the time how lazy, disgusting, worthless, and useless I was. It was all him and so are the tapes playing in your head, too. Most women take pride in their home and want to make it nice and, as all abusers do, they know how to get to us and this is one of the ways so they make remarks that cut us to our core. If you didn't care how your house looked, he wouldn't say a word because it wouldn't work to help him accomplish his goal of controlling you.

Think about things that don't bother you. I bet money he doesn't bring anything up about it. For example, my husband never called me names because they don't work on me. If he called me a bitch, I'd tell him he was asshole or say that he ain't see nothing yet! Didn't work on me so he didn't use that. Another example, it would bother me that he put cologne on because from past experience, cologne = him staring at other women, trying to get their attention= me having a horrible experience. When I first told him this, he understood and wouldn't do it again. After a little while, he friggin put cologne on to go mow the grass. It has nothing to do the specifics on what he's saying, but it has everything to do with him putting you down to make you feel bad about yourself so he can better control you.

Depression plays a major role in many abused people's lives. I suffered from it for years because of him. I didn't get out of my pajamas, brush my hair, eat right, take care of myself, etc. I saw no point, had no hope for anything in my life-until I left his ass. My stuff is clean because I like it that way.

Besides, how can you keep a house clean with his junk lying around? If my abuser cried about the dishes, I got to the point where I would tell him to do them if he has a problem with them because I don't!

Beachgirl9,Yes,I have experienced the same relentless criticism that demeans you and destroys your heart and soul.When I was with my abuser

I could never do anything right according to him.He hated everything about me and made sure he voiced it.He would literally follow me around while I vacuumed and point out dirt.To the point where I eventually gave up and stopped cleaning house.I told him if he could do it better that he could do it himself.He then began threatening to hurt my pets if I did not clean the house.That is the thing about abusers.They will ALWAYS find something that you do wrong.They will ALWAYS blame you for whatever goes wrong in their lives.There is NOTHING wrong with you.You are a beautiful,capable and strong woman.

That is abuse and it is NOT okay.Hurting you is not okay.Critiquing your every move is not okay.It is really all about his desire to have total control over you and the relationship.Do you realize that?It is about control NOT your housekeeping skills.

HUGS.Lanna

Cologne to mow the grass?! Are you serious?! That's pathetically hilarious...

Yep. He'd say the neighbor might need her grass mowed or come and talk to him.

Yeah hang on while I put on make up to clean out the gutters.... psshh!

lol...when mine used to tell me about every woman who 'wanted him' I told him I would be happy if someone took him off my hands....he finally got his GF on the side and it still took 4 years to push him out the GD door. Now she gets to clean up after him and his menagerie while he sits lording over the house playing Kingdoms of Camelot 24/7 on the couch. Good luck to her.

Mine used to say, "She wants me" about my MOM! He used every opportunity he could to "prove" she loved him more than me. In reality, he never said a word to my parents so my mom was going out of her way to make him feel included in my family so he would relax and be himself. Trouble was, he was being himself!