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03/30/2012 10:57 PM

I need some perspective right now (really long)(page 2)

Izzy87
Izzy87  
Posts: 2731
VIP Member

He doesn't yell AT me...that would make a difference for sure...and he doesn't scream. And he's never made excuses exactly...I'm trying to think of specific instances. Well, ok, like the other night. Even after he apologized I told him it was fine and he said "No, it was wrong of me and I shouldn't have done it." Not a fake apology even when I wasn't asking for one. When we were first dating, he got impatient with me about a video game and he got close to yelling and I told him he'd better knock it off right there, and that was the end of it. Like he just needed a reality check; which is why our tag system works.

I do think that if he can't avoid being upset with my mom he needs to stay away, and he's been doing that. He only yelled at her once and I don't blame her for being upset about that. She kept saying how we needed to spend our money. I wasn't afraid to tell him I thought the way he reacted wasn't ok for that either (not his feelings but his reaction). Like I said, he's not perfect, and things have gotten better since the beginning with his temper. He'd never lived with someone or had children before, and I used to think that I didn't have a temper at all and raising my kids has definitely taught me where my limits are lol.

My mom has moved almost all of her stuff out now, so hopefully things will smooth over. Of course there are other issues now too...she wanted to leave some of my brother's things here for him to pick up and I told her we did not want him here at all. She looked really hurt but I didn't let myself get sucked into it and left the room. This whole boundary thing is new and challenging...I need to tell her that he is not to come see the kids when she has them over visiting. I think she will respect that.

I really appreciate having you guys Smile

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03/30/2012 11:44 PM
starrybook2
Posts: 192
Member

i see both sides too. the red flags i am getting have to do with the fact that just a year ago my abuser proposed to me. And i sounded a lot like you. "Well, this happened..but...its only once every 6 months... " ...and sometimes he does this but he is so great about the housework" my ex has a lot of WONDERFUL qualities in a partner, that is why i got engaged to him. But something was nagging at me nagging at me.. we had some very dark times that went on for a while.. and somehow i was still running a tape in my mind that he was mr wonderful all that time! but in the bedroom .. things were very dark for the same period of time that we were parading around acting so in love.

I don't like the swearing "indirectly" -- and then apologizing after... the fact that you say it happened a long time ago doesnt really make me feel better when i hear he has also yelled at your mom or punched a wall because of your child. But at the same time.. right now i dont know what a "normal" relationship looks like any more. I can only tell you that if anyone, partner or friend, does this in front of me again, i will walk away from the relationship because i just cant go there ever again. I want to find someone who would never cross that line, of holes punched in walls and yelling at mothers in law.

HOWEVER, if this is not scaring you, if you feel safe.. then that is your call, truly, like everyone else has said. i just know for a fact that I personally talked myself into thinking my relationship was not abusive, for four years. I could have written your post a year ago.

Once he finally assaulted me "for real" ie he smacked me upside the head after also sitting on me, shaking me, yelling at me, dragging me back across the room and threatening to punch me in the face--- well thats when i started to wake up. Before that, he had done those other things before, just not necessarily all lumped in to one eventful night. Sometimes he would just swear at me. Sometimes he would just loom over me angrily and then storm off. He had never sat over me while i was laying helplessly in the bed and smacked me across the head. I cancelled our wedding. 5 months later, after we had a lot of space, all these other memories started to peice together for me, and i see the relationship very differently now. I still love him very much, and its sad.

Just sharing my 2 cents, i dont mean to say that your relationship is "definitely" abusive. but like GoToGirl.. i see some red flags that i would personaly not want to be around, especially after what i just went through.


03/30/2012 11:46 PM
starrybook2
Posts: 192
Member

PS when i say "sometimes " i mean like once every several months, we would have an "incident. " it felt like it rarely happened at all. just to clarify.

03/31/2012 12:36 AM
Go2Girl
Go2Girl  
Posts: 252
Member

That is exactly what I was thinking.... I don't want to be around anyone who punches holes in walls, who swears all the time, who disrespects my family or his own, who spends the family money on gambling or spending money destructively. I don't want to ever be with a man again who has anger "control" problems. I don't want to be with someone ever again who plays favorites with the kids, who I can't talk around and be myself. I don't want to ever have to be with another man who I have to explain or play referee between him and my family. It sucks being in the middle. I totally agree StarryBrook, there are things that I know I don't want to live with ever, ever, ever again! Like I said before in another post... maybe I am just jaded now. There are few second chances... I gave all mine away in the last relationship!

The love thing... agree with you there too... unfortunately.... I just know now that he is poison to me and I am done killing myself for him. It's not worth it! To me or my son.

Post edited by: Go2Girl, at: 03/31/2012 12:38 AM

Post edited by: Go2Girl, at: 03/31/2012 12:40 AM


03/31/2012 08:51 AM
SetmeFree
SetmeFree  
Posts: 400
Member

Izzy I read your story and it tenses up my shoulders....makes me want to sit in the corner and avoid. I agree there are too many 'buts' in your situation and the gambling away money earmarked for other things would be a huge red flag unless he had a gambling addiction....but I didn't get the feeling that you are hiding rent/grocery money away from him on a regular basis.

The other thing I picked up in your story was the fact that you feel responsible for your mother making her mortgage payment based on the rent she collects from you....my question is how much are you willing to put up with/explain away to make sure your money isn't struggling to make her mortgage payment?

Why aren't you able to get things done around the house? Depression? I struggled with this too from time to time....I definitely lost myself to the internet because it was more pleasant on line than dealing with my real life reality. I find myself falling into this pattern again with mediation and temp support hearings coming up on the horizon...for you it could be something else that 'takes you away' for a lot longer than it should...reading, gardening, playing with the kids, sleeping, etc. Maybe you are sleep deprived and just can't get going in the morning and lose track of the day that way.

If your husband knows the tactics your previous abuser used, it is possible that he avoids doing the things that would set you off and clue you in...does he do other things to make him seem like your knight in shining armor? I.e. if you told him your last abuser treated you like a live in housekeeper and never lifted a finger...he knows he can't do the same thing cause you are paying attention that that type of abuse.

Since the incident where he punched the wall because your daughter upset him(at 3?) do you find yourself on defense? acting as a buffer? diffusing before things escalate?

You are the best judge of your own situation. Your situation is sending up red flags for me.


03/31/2012 09:38 AM
Izzy87
Izzy87  
Posts: 2731
VIP Member

He swears all the time no matter if he's angry, the f word is just part of his regular vocabulary and it doesn't bother me, just our mothers. He used to use the word "pussy" to mean a coward when we were first dating and I told him I didn't like that word and he's doesn't use it around me anymore, and I'm pretty sure if he were an abuser he'd do that just to make me mad but he doesn't. I don't hide money, and actually today he was saying that he wants to send some of the things that he bought back since we need the money which is pretty much him sucking up his pride lol.

My abuser didn't get angry (vague threats though) and since I never lived with him I have no idea how things would have gone down...see, the things here are not that I realize they aren't red flags, but none of these things that he does scare me, hurt me, or make me feel like I'm less than he is in the relationship. I mean, everyone talks about that nagging feeling, and I know what that is. I've had that nagging feeling before, but not once with my husband.

And he DOESN'T play favorites, that was my MOM'S way of looking at it because sometimes we would let our toddler come into bed with us but we'd have our older kid stay in her room because she has school in the morning and every time we've tried having everyone in bed with us they just turn it into a slumber party and no one gets any sleep. So my mom took that to mean that we play favorites. She doesn't even acknowledge that I had just as much to say about the arrangement. She just assumes I don't have a voice. There have been times were I disagreed with the way he's handled something and I tell him, and he'll generally go and address it with the kids and doesn't do it again.

I'm starting to feel like maybe I shouldn't have even posted anything because it looks like I'm just backtracking when I never even thought there was a problem, I'm just frustrated with my mother and mother-in-law's assessment of the situation.


03/31/2012 10:47 AM
nolongertrapped
nolongertrapped  
Posts: 863
Senior Member

Izzy, I'm glad you posted this. I would eventually like to start dating again and I often worry about all the same things and scenarios that you are going through.

I often wonder if I'll be able to tell the difference between an abusive situation and a respectful person with abusive tendencies.

Let me clarify.

I have abusive tendencies, but I'm not abusive. I remember reading Bancroft and seeing a few of my qualities in these men but I never took any of these "tendencies" to extreme.

One of my faults that I see is that when someone offends me or pisses me off, I feel like I should smack them. It doesn't have to be hard at all, just enough to let them know that I was offended. But I also realized that not every guy is okay with that and I eventually stopped doing it cause I know it is offensive. With my abuser, there were a few instances where I would make a move to strike him. His reaction to my abuse would scare the crap out of me. He would threaten to send me to jail for assault and he would scream at me for hours. Even if I smacked him in gest, just having a good time, he would take it and make me regret it.

Since than I realize, the only person I ever really felt like deserved being smacked around, was my abuser. So as long as I can avoid my abuser, I can avoid those abusive tendencies that I now identify as abusive.

I also noticed that I have passive aggressive tendencies...these are learned behaviors from my mother. I don't do them to punish people, they're just a natural instinct that I can't hide from.

Just because I have these tendencies does not make me an abuser. Just because your husband has these tendencies, doesn't make him an abuser. Its how it makes you feel. I too agree that I would fear that if I saw another man punch a hole in the wall, I would associate him with an abuser but when you posted this it made me think about how different my first love and my abuser actually were. Yes, they both punched holes in a wall at one point or another or had a temper, but I know exactly what you are saying about not feeling like you are being abused. To me it sounds like your mom will have to learn to butt out.

With my first love, he took his anger out on the garage that night, and after he finally stopped, he didn't take it out on me.

With my abuser...he always punched a hole in the wall out of anger to PUNISH me...to scare me...to make me realize that my actions were making him do this...and when he finally stopped swinging it was another two hours of verbal abuse that could not be avoided. Ugh!

I hope I stressed my point here, I'm afraid i may have went off on a tangent..but I am glad that you posted this because its a legitimate question. I think your right that setting boundaries is a challenge but in the same respect it is completely necessary. If anything, I know what to expect now when I do find somebody some day. I imagine my mother and father will be just as vigilant as your mother cause its what we do best, we worry all the time. Your a mom, you know and I'm sure you can only imagine what you will do if you ever see a man disrespect your daughter.

If anything I would at least make sure that you hold both your husband and your mother to the same standards. Its not okay to play favorites, as your mother puts it with your children. And that makes sense to me too, not having both the kids in bed...been there done that, lol. But do not play favorites between your husband and your mother either. If anything just tell them both to shut their pie hole!


03/31/2012 11:25 AM
Izzy87
Izzy87  
Posts: 2731
VIP Member

YES! Never once has my husband indicated that in any way his behavior was my fault, or the kids' or even my mom's. I don't get punished, talked down to, ignored, and when I set boundaries they are respected by him. I want my mom to see that. I talked to my aunt the other day (my mom's twin) and she said she thinks my mom is just under a lot of stress and that things will get better.

03/31/2012 01:35 PM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

Izzy, I think you have the clarity to read your own feelings and decide whether you think this relationship is a bad thing or not. However, just make sure that you aren't going to "settle" for less (be it less abusive or just a plain jerk!)

My MIL remarried after a horribly abusive relationship to a man who is... well, I'm not sure if I'd label him an actual abuser, but I hate that she did it because she deserves so much better. He's fairly passive-aggressive in general and certainly self-centered, but he doesn't control her. She just goes out and does whatever she feels like but he seems to only serve to bring her down. I hate that. Sometimes I think they're more roommates than partners. Sometimes I just feel like she's waiting for him to die and that in the meantime she's taking care of him which makes me sad. She seems fine, just living her own life, but she just deserves better. I see a few traits in him that are in Why Does He Do That, but he doesn't seem terribly interested in controlling her. I think he might just be more of a spoiled brat if nothing else.


04/01/2012 11:55 PM
starrybook2
Posts: 192
Member

And nolongertrapped: I thank you for your post! That was very helpful to me. Izzy, i think i would also like to urge you to not feel regret about what you posted. When you post something like that in a forum like this, some of us are going to see things a certain way because of where we are at right now. I like what nolongertrapped added, this was helpful, and what you said in various places was also helpful. I had a parter once who when we were arguing he punched the bed. I didnt think he was trying to threaten me but instead was venting his frustration. He wasn't trying to make me be quiet or change the subject or get me to pay attention to his point. He just kind of lost it in frustration for a second, and i did get scared but he just kind of groaned like "oh crap i scared her... thats not gonna help anything" sort of an attitude, where he then became frustrated at himself. Anyway that relationship was not long term and we didnt live together, but i am pretty sure i can sense a difference there. so i appreciate this conversation, because i have felt kind of sad that i dont trust people anymore and i wonder if i will ever be in a relationship again. I do think if your instincts say its okay, then you should trust your instincts as much as anyone else in other situations should. You know best if its abuse or not. Either way, i personally support you talking about it , no matter what your perpective is about it right now..
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