Emotional Abuse Support Group

Since I left my my abusive husband i have been looking back in my child hood and this hit me so hard and now i know why i am like i am i was real sad to think i have been doing this all my life.

I talked with my dad on sunday, and he made me remember why i am so c/d and why i love abusive man. when i was 16 years old i wanted to get out of the house b/c my dad was mental abusive to my mom and are family, but i didnt know that is what it was (I thought this was normal all people live this way) about 30 years later (just sunday) any way i wanted to get married to a guy that i thought i was in love with so my mom and dad let me get married and my ex was mental abusive and phy abusive I called my dad and asked if i could come home and he told me NO i made my bed so i have to lie in it, so i did for 14 years than i moved out and got a divorce and thought i am okay now i am divorced now and i can go on with my life and find a good man that doesnt hurt me any more ( i will show my dad that i am ok that i didnt need him) Well any way I was single for years and meet this man that sweeped me off my feet he was the best man i ever had he was wounderful we were great together he was one so we got married 13 years ago and ever thing was good than I got pregant with my daughter right away and sold my townhouse and we bought a house together and that is when the abuse started and the cheating (before i got married to him I had bought a townhouse and had it for 6 years) I was into this with a child and sold my home that i had and didnt know what to do so i stayed and stayed and stayed for 13 years and took the abuse that he give me b/c it was like home again and scared to be on my own again (2nd child)

I left my husband 5 months ago and even with the abuse i still wanted him back and he told me YOUR THE ONE WHO LEFT so deal with it, and then when i talked with my dad he was yelling at me and telling me i was so messed up and i wanted my dads suport and he told me again YOU MADE YOUR BED NOW SLEEP IN IT just like i told me 30 years ago.

My dad told me 2x's and now my husband is telling me, and i feel real so lost again I am feeling like i did 30 years ago abandoned.

I have not told my therapist yet as i just noticed this abandoment issue that i have been holding on for so many years

I guess i just wanted to share this, so i could vent i have been hiding behind my husbands and never looking at my self so see what i needed to deal with in my self

In the beginning, I think we all have an original abuser and that original abuser downloads his/her abuse into our brains so that we will continue to abuse ourselves when they aren't around. Those abusive tapes tell us that we aren't good enough/fat/lazy/selfish/stupid/etc. It's very hard not to internalize those messages, especially if they begin when you are young.

Now, I'm not sure if we subconciously pick abusers the next time around. I know we certainly overlook red flags. HOWEVER, I think abusers can zero in on very vulnerable people and begin hooking into their weak spots immediately. I honestly don't think we stand a chance with an abuser. They are predators. Make no mistake about that. They know us better than we have ever known ourselves.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist. It sounds like you're making good progress!

I want to let oyu know i read your post. I just left my abuser one month ago so i dont feel i have any advice on these forums, only hugs. I relate to what you are talking about. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, what stood out to me was the last part, where you said you were hiding behind your husbands. It made me think about whether i do that or not, and i appreciate that, because i think i do. I am very lonely tonight and feel like "i just cant do it alone!" but when i am not lonely, i feel on top of the world alone, i love "me" time. I might be afraid to grow up all the way.. Thanks for your post, i wish i could offer you some insight, but you sound like you are on to something about the abandonment issue.

I have been doing a lot of my own reflection since leaving my husband too. I have asked myself so many questions trying to figure it out. My husband was not my first abusive relationship and my childhood was also abusive. The conclusion I have come to with abuse and how it ties back to our childhoods is this: while we may not be able to avoid an abuser, being abused as a child is what allows us to stay in the situation once we realize it is abusive. It is "comfortable" it is what we "know". That is how we make it okay in our heads. Like Meg said, it is ignoring those red flags. Even though we may see those red flags, they don't seem like such a big deal because it is something we have already seen, something that is "normal". I also agree that abusers are attracted to someone who has already been abused because they are so perceptive. They can sense that there is a vulnerability in the woman they are picking. I think they test the waters, start out small. A woman who would refuse to be abused would walk away at that first "test" heeding those red flags. A woman who would allow the abuse would (in the abusers mind) pass this test and head on to the next one. Eventually the abuse gets worse, but by that time, you are attached to that person and it is very difficult to leave.

In some of the reading I have been doing, I found that a lot of times someone who has been abused as a child will pick a partner who is most like their abuser because they are trying to "work out" those issues from their childhood. When you are a child, you are not able to stick up for yourself, or make things right, so as an adult, you pick someone like your parent/abuser to resolve unresolved issues. It's that inner child trying to have the voice it never had as a child. Unfortunately, it doesn't really work out so well this way... we still have a hard time giving that inner child a voice and nothing gets worked out this way.

Continue to read and discover ways to heal from your childhood. It is a journey, but well worth the time and effort you are putting into yourself to become a whole person again. I applaud you for questioning yourself and trying to figure out the dynamics of YOU! It is possible to become a healthy person and not carry the baggage around with you for the rest of your life. Many people go through life never questioning anything... and those are the people who will never learn anything and will most likely make the same mistakes over and over again. So good for you Brokenhrt! You are taking control of your life... you should be proud of yourself!

GoToGirl.....thanks i have been reading alot and i think you posted a book that you have read by Beverly Engel I checked this book out and have been reading this, I have found alot of thing that i can relate to, I am getting stronger and I think I really own it to my husband,( books, my therapist) I know that sounds silly but I do if it wasnt for him keep pushing me away and telling me he is done with me, in return I am having to make choices and I think every choice that i make it is making me stonger does that make any sence ? And today i got a call from my sister in-law (his sister) which I love very much and told me when he has are daughter he is not spending time with her and he is pawning her off to his mother, and other sister and last sat night i was told she cryed all night all and that is making he stronger that he is not being the dad he should be for her, he is more interested in party, sex, and not taking care of her and that really hurts me to the core b/c she is just a child and wants love from her dad. Sorry guys i am getting carried away thanks for your post

Starrybook2........ thanks for your post

Glad to hear you are gaining insights from the book! I felt the same way! I know exactly what you mean with the choices making you stronger. I have been experiencing the same thing. I am gaining my independence and finding I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. Good for you!!

Sorry he is not being the father he should be. I think abusive men suck at parenting just about as much as they suck at being in a healthy relationship! It is really unfortunate for the kids and I completely understand how hurtful that is to you being the Mom. We always want to protect our little ones! Good thing she has a Mom who loves her so much! Not that we can ever make up for the lack in the other parent, but having one loving, consistent and supportive parent is better than none.... and she has you!

Post edited by: Go2Girl, at: 03/28/2012 09:46 PM

Abusive men DO suck at parenting. They suck at ALL relationships that involve some emotional component. Why should this be a surprise? The only time they are good parents are when their kids are little. Once they grow up and start asserting independence ... in other words, once they grow up and their worlds no longer revolve around their parents ... it becomes a whole different ballgame.

Meg - GotoGirl-........Thanks for letting me vent, and your support.