Emotional Abuse Support Group

I feel sad that the marriage hasn't been working. I feel guilt for not trying harder. I don't understand my feelings right now. I feel so blocked off and isolated, even from myself. I'm scared..

Hi Unafemina, I'm sorry you are feeling scared! I am not really sure what to say to make you feel better, but everything will be okay. You can make it thru this, I know you can!!

Big HUGS to you!!!!

Post edited by: Go2Girl, at: 03/18/2012 12:33 PM

What do you mean he left this morning? Did he say he was gone for good or is this temporary?

Unafemina, don't forget the many chances you gave him to treat you as you rightfully deserve. How many nights did you stay even when he abused you? How many tears have you cried and how much have you suffered? Every single time he wronged you was a chance for him to do things right, but he chose not to. By staying as long as you have, you have given him many more chances than he ever deserved to treat you with respect.

There's no shame in not wanting to make a relationship worth with a man that clearly disrespects you. Afterall, HE isn't trying to make this better... sure he has been "acting nice" lately, but what does your gut tell you? Do you honestly think anything has changed? Has any of our abusers ever changed? You already know the answer to all of this.

It is natural to panic sometimes and second guess yourself though. Don't forget: This is exactly the garbage message he has been programming you with for years.

Don't forget to go back and read Bancroft if you ever feel your resolve weakening (or even read back at some of your recent posts here!)

If there is any hint that he is going to cut you and the children off financially do not be shy about applying for assistance now. I applied immediately even though mine said he was going to continue to pay the bills after he left...good thing I did because he coughed up half an electric bill before totally embracing his inner deadbeat and the process to get things like food stamps and medicaid rolling might take a little bit of time. Also look into legal aid...you have no income...he took it all with him. Call your domestic abuse shelter to see what resources are available to you and your children and call 211...which is a help line run by the United Way. And please don't let your guard down this could be the calm before the storm...do not be shy about calling 911 if he shows up yelling, drunk, making threats, etc.

Don't feel bad... I think many of us had given up on the marriage and loving our abusers long before the ultimate decision to split....the way I see it...mine KNEW there was a problem for years and chose to ignore it/me because there was no benefit to him to fix the problem/listen to me... he only pushed harder/demanded more/got more abusive knowing it was pushing me further away.

Don't let him prey on your guilt feelings. He's an abuser so he knows very well how you are feeling and what buttons to push. Call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline (1-800-799-7233) anytime you want to talk or cry. They are there 24/7. Also, call an attorney tomorrow morning. Even though you are separated, I believe he is legally responsible to still keep paying all the bills and providing for the family. I know this seems like a terrible thing, but many times in my own life, the worst thing that happened turned out to be the best thing. (((HUGS)))

I think my abuser was convinced that I would balk for a bit and then accept that he was going to openly be involved with the other woman while married to me and in doing that I would have to break contact with my family to avoid the outrage/pressure to leave him. He was very surprised when the state of FL served him stating that they were suing him for child support on my behalf and he did not want me moving into my mom's house he was pushing for me to move into section 8 housing/projects with the kids when he announced that I was on my own for the household bills thinking he would have easier access to me. He was blindsided by the abuser label I slapped on his forehead when he was pretty confident that I was going to keep my mouth shut. I told the IRS, I told the state, I told his mother, I tell the bill collectors, the answers to my discovery questions were 18 pages long I let him have it, I've warned him to keep his distance, as I posted on another forum... once he crossed that bridge to leave ..I burned that bridge so he could never come back.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned....I am not bitter about the other woman I wish her luck hope she gets smart fast and cuts her losses...everything I do is to protect my kids and make sure he knows I am not going to back down anymore. He is going to 'own' everything he ever did to me and live with it like I have to.

I guess what I am trying to say is put together a plan that helps you and your children , don't pine over your abuser, don't bide time waiting for him to come back ...act now as if he is never coming back if he steps up and does the right thing as far as support is concerned you can stop the ball rolling at anytime but don't wait until the day where he is holding grocery money over your head giving you an ultimatum to take him back under his terms.

The grief is terrible..I cried for a week(in between phone calls) and then I looked at him and I no longer felt a connection to him...like he was a stranger...then the memories really start to flood back and that is not an overnight type of thing either..everyday is something new. My 7 year old talks about daddy hitting mommy all the time and leaving bruises...for the life of me I cannot remember ever getting hit...that is the type of thing that really makes me mad the amount of stuff I had to bury to survive living with that man.

Unafemina, I wish I knew more of what the situation was... but if he really has left, this could be the break you have been hoping for. Use this time away from his toxic influence to get plans in line to protect yourself and your children. This very well could be a blessing in disguise.

Unafemina, just saw your post as I wasn't online yesterday. I hope you are doing okay. I don't think you need to feel guilty. You tried for years to make your marriage work, but a marriage is two people and you can't do the work alone. You were trying; he wasn't. By the time he acted like he was ready to try, your heart wasn't in it anymore. That doesn't mean you didn't try. Feeling scared is normal; feeling sad would also be normal. It's probably important right now to talk about what you are feeling. Call the hotline number. Call your counselor and/or local shelter. Talk on here; talk to a friend. You are such a strong woman; you can get through this.

You should not feel guilty. You probably will be upset about the marrige not working. But is it the marrige itself or him you are mourning? No Cinderella story. You are strong and can do this. Do some things he would not let you enjoy. Find your freedom. It helps make you stronger. Even if it is just leaving the dirty dishes for an hour. It is the simple things in life that matter.

unafemina, I know the emotionally draining questions and guilt that you feel. But, I agree with Traceyv, about asking yourself whether you are sad because you want your marriage to him to work, or whether you miss having a good marriage. The two are entirely different.

My son's girlfriend asked me once what I missed about my ex. In the end, she stated that she thought maybe I missed being married, but not to him....it was an eye opener. And there was a lot of truth to it.