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03/11/2012 11:40 AM

My feelings haven't changed in spite of..(page 3)

Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14588
Group Leader

Well, that's the whole point of the Mr. Nice Guy routine, to make you feel guilty and responsible. I felt sorry for mine too and I still do when I think of him, but feeling sorry for someone is a wasted emotion. It doesn't produce anything positive in you or the person you feel sorry for.
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03/11/2012 12:25 PM
NaniCam
NaniCamPosts: 288
Member

The truth is that he has no authentic sweet moments. It is a charade. We've all been there. I even fooled myself for decades. Now I have clarity. I can see the lies and the game.

With all due respect to Dr. Laura, she's got it all wrong this time. She has basically told you to stay and smile while you are being abused!

Once again.... The facade is a lie. A abusers never change. And they need a victim.


03/11/2012 02:41 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14588
Group Leader

You cannot take marriage advice intended for non-abusive marriages and apply it to abusive marriages. It's a total disaster and it could result in someone being seriously hurt or even killed.

03/11/2012 02:52 PM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4943
Group Leader

The thing is, he doesn't want someone to show him true love and devotion. He wants someone he can control and order around. There's a big difference! He doesn't ask for a loving partner, he asks for a sex toy and emotional punching bag, and then wonder why the punching bag doesn't smile back when he decides to be nice for a little while!

Besides, a normal man would even WANT to be with someone who didn't 100% want him... doesn't that tell you something? Why would he continue to hang on? The only thing that makes sense is that he's an abuser who needs to control someone, and he has invested so much time into his victim that he doesn't want to give it up and have to start all over (and he would start all over if you were out of the picture, I assure you). This isn't about love, trust me.


03/11/2012 03:04 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14588
Group Leader

Scheff, you are right on target when you say that a normal man wouldn't even want to be with someone who didn't want to be with him. A normal man would find a woman staying with him because she was afraid or she felt obligated as an insult. So would we have. Imagine yourself before you met your abuser. Remember? You were confident, strong, independent. You had friends, you had a job, you had goals and dreams, you had fun. Now imagine that you were going out with a guy and you really loved him, but one day, he confessed to you that he didn't love you back, he didn't want to be with you and was only staying in the relationship because he felt obligated to. How would you react? Would you be happy? Would you smile at him and say thanks and then make plans for dinner for the two of you? Or would you feel somewhat insulted? Would you tell him to hit the road and that you could do better than him and that being alone is even better than being with someone who is only with you because they feel sorry for you?

Picture the nicest, healthiest, most normal guy you know now. Is it your father? Your brother? A co-worker? A neighbor? Someone from your church? A friend's husband? Picture that guy and try to imagine how he would react if he found out that his spouse did not love him, did not want to be with him and was only staying because she felt obligated to stay. How do you imagine he would react?


03/11/2012 06:26 PM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

Being overly critical of my abuser and thinking about how I should overlook the abuse and rejoice for the good times was what he put in my head! Doubt your thoughts and feelings, know what I'm doing to you isn't that bad and it's pretty much your fault anyway were things he brainwashed into me like all abusers do. Trust your feelings, trust your gut instincts. They are there for a reason.

03/11/2012 06:44 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14588
Group Leader

Picture your gut as a little person - a mini you even - with no ears. Your gut can't hear what your abuser is saying. Your gut can only SEE what is going on. She sees those actions of his and she sees your actions and by seeing those actions and not hearing the abuser tapes, she knows exactly what is going on better than you do because her information is not corrupted. That's why your gut instinct should be listened to and respected.

03/11/2012 09:14 PM
unafemina

In my case, the Mr. Nice Guy can last for up to a year! Long enough for him to be able to say, "that was 2 years ago when I did that.., but you.....don't try.....etc.." The last horrible incident happened 1 year ago. I'm going on the 1 year anniversary of my emotional breakdown. The behavior has improved, but my feelings haven't. Is it normal for me to feel guilt for hanging onto my resentments and not allowing myself to forget what happened? I told myself that I should not forget and I wrote it all down so I would not forget, so I would not lose my mind and think I was crazy.

03/11/2012 09:19 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14588
Group Leader

You absolutely should not forget! With an abuser, the past is never the past because abusers never change so it's almost like you're living the same day over and over again. Mine could also do the Mr. Nice Guy act for a long time, months even, but after being married to him for 20 years, I knew darn well what was coming ... some day ... and he usually picked a day that was either especially stressful or meaningful.

03/11/2012 09:23 PM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

I could never forgive my abuser for anything he did to me. Sure, he apologized, but that was only to get me to shut up and quit complaining.

I could work on forgiving him if he truly understood what he did to me each time he hurt me and validated my feeling the way I did. That will never happen so I don't forgive him. But, I don't carry around anger towards him not empathizing because he never will. I won't forget so I don't fall victim to him again.

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