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03/04/2012 04:10 PM

pornography(page 2)

unafemina

Ha! An acquaintance of mine told me she is done w/sex. She told her husband "there are people who do this for a.living. go for it! Just protect yourself." Granted this lady is quite an eccentric lady, but I admire her strong persona. Nobody messes with her. I guess her husband has to take it or leave it.

Edited to add that I do not know the details of her relationship.. I can see how this could be abusive if her spouse is not ok with it.

Post edited by: unafemina, at: 03/04/2012 05:33 PM

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03/04/2012 06:16 PM
BrokenJules
BrokenJules  
Posts: 126
Member

Unafemina, your initial post sounds so much like my situation. I personally do have a problem with a porn and always have so the fact that my husband tries to get me to watch it when he knows that is something I'm not comfortable with and tries to make me do things out of those movies that I'm not comfortable with is a big bone of contention for me. I used to feel like sex was special and romantic and a way for us to feel connected. But now, most of the time, I feel like you said. It feels cheap, impersonal, degrading, humiliating. And of course, he tells me it is my fault I feel this way and my fault he watches porn and my fault we don't have sex more often. But even when I do try to do it more often or be more adventurous or whatever it's still usually not right in some way.

So, Meg, your story actually makes me feel a lot better. Even if I could somehow manage to be his dream woman in the sack, if I was thinner and more adventurous and whatever, it still wouldn't be enough because of his issues, not mine. Thank you for sharing that. It really does bring me some much needed comfort on that issue.


03/04/2012 07:36 PM
p92868
p92868  
Posts: 2697
Senior Member

i second with BrokenJules.....I have a problem with pornography specially if I have a partner and and with people that dress innapropriately showing their boops, butt, legs....and wonder, dont they realize that perverts and abusers like my ex boyfriend are looking at them....scary and disgusting.......and Meg1129 your description opens my eyes to realize it is his problem not mine, brings a lot of relief to my soul......

Post edited by: p92868, at: 03/04/2012 09:23 PM


03/04/2012 09:05 PM
Izzy87
Izzy87  
Posts: 2731
VIP Member

I just had to comment on this thread...both of my partners, my abusive ex and now my husband watch pornography. The difference is immense. My abusive ex preferred violent degrading porn, told me about things he knew made me uncomfortable, and once attempted to force me to masturbate with a game controller because of a video he saw and told me about that he knew I had an aversion to. My husband (not an abuser) never pressures me with anything, never compares me to anyone, and prefers "amateur" porn of just regular people having regular sex. I opt not to watch it and it is not an issue for me whatsoever.

03/04/2012 09:13 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14597
Group Leader

I'm amazed at how many of you have said your abusers were turned on by making you do something sexually that you had an aversion to. I remember how many times I argued with mine over his preference for porn to me, all the tears I cried, all the begging and anger and pain. Once I decided to let it go, that I really and truly did not care anymore about him or his porn, he stopped doing it. I mean it took about a year, but it gradually became less and less until I finally asked him why and his response was, "Well, to be honest, now that it doesn't bother you anymore, it's not so much fun."

That seems to be a recurring theme I'm finding here.


03/04/2012 09:43 PM
unafemina

In my case I think my husband needs porn because I don't want sex. I think from the very beginning his main attraction to me was sexual. Not much beyond that. I realize this evening as ive been thinking this over...my needs OUTSIDE of sex have never been met by him. All the years trying to talk about my interests.. all the years he was uninvolved as a father leaving it all to me... all the times I wanted to be heard (notbhaving to do with SEX)...He hasn't been supportive. Now he wants to be. NOW.. But the kids are teens now. I have had to be alone with my thoughts all these hrs because he didn't want to hear it. NOW he wants to hear my thoughts, after ive been so conditioned to keep it all to myself. Well now I do NOT want to share my thoughts with him anymore. I don't want it with him.

I realized tonight that for me to be sexually satisfied, I needed the other things from him. Someone to listen to my dreams..

someone to have dreams and ambition to share with me, not get mad about who works and doesn't work. That well had been empty. When I asked, he didn't want any of it. He was content playing video games on the days off. To me, that was as bad as keeping a bong on the coffee table.

With those things lacking, I could not have my needs met. And so I could not meet his sexual needs. From my perspective, I gave TO HIM by giving up what was most important to me. Dreams to be passionate and ambitious about. Without that, I became empty. So while he doesn't see what I gave by giving up, he is only able to see that I don't feel attracted to him; that I don't give him SEX. I think he would be content if he had sex once a week, regardless of how I feel.

It is sad.

Post edited by: unafemina, at: 03/04/2012 09:45 PM

Post edited by: unafemina, at: 03/04/2012 09:46 PM


03/04/2012 09:54 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14597
Group Leader

It's very difficult to feel sexual attraction to someone who doesn't make you feel safe and loved. Think of it like this. He is trying to overdraw his account at the bank. He has not made enough deposits in his account in the way of love and emotional security to cover the checks he wants to write. That's not YOUR fault. When your real bank tells you that you are overdrawn, do you get mad at them? No. Some folks probably do, but the bottom line is that it's your fault. And what happens when you consistently overdraw your account? Fees pile up. Now in addition to the original amount you've overdrawn, you have to pay back fees. So what if he's trying to be good all of a sudden? That is not addressing the behaviour that got him in debt in the first place. He's only doing this because he wants the bank to cover his checks and he's already writing checks on funds that aren't in there. He's making small deposits, but writing BIG ASS checks on them. What's changed?

03/04/2012 09:59 PM
Izzy87
Izzy87  
Posts: 2731
VIP Member

unafemina, he is wondering why you can't be satisfied with being an empty vessel that just waits for him to use it. And like it. GRRR abusers piss me off...

03/04/2012 10:09 PM
SetmeFree
SetmeFree  
Posts: 400
Member

I consider myself very open minded, live and let live...and I had a wild streak before I ever met my husband...I was a bit much for a lot of people I dated before my husband.

He somehow managed to ruin my sex drive. The porn was the worst....while he was telling me that he couldn't get off to porn anymore because he could only get off to me(like I broke him)...he was broadcasting me naked and asleep over the webcam to whoever would watch. He would force me to take dirty pictures endlessly....everything was a freakin' photo shoot....I am quite sure he is posting all of those all over the internet as I type. He promised to destroy them...but we know that means nothing. He would get worn panties from god knows who in the mail, and there were drawers I knew not to open. All of this happened before I married him too which kills me...where the hell was my head? I hated everything he did to me yet I still married him. He convince me to go off the pill telling me we could more than afford to pay for daycare....so I did cause I was sick of 'discussing' it...got married, within 3 hours of the ceremony he is demanding pics and telling me we are going to start swinging...I was crushed...got home from the honeymoon and I was trying to figure out how to divorce him and pay my bills(all the wedding stuff went on my cards of course)and realized I came home with a honeymoon baby. Six months into the pregnancy...all of the debt that he claimed he was paying down wasn't getting paid down and he told me that I needed to ask for a 12k raise to cover daycare....my base was 33k at that time, we were going through an acquisition, I just got a 15k bonus and was about to go on maternity leave...with a boss who was already peeved that I was messing with my work hours by going to morning prenatal appts and staying late to make up the time and told me baby issues were going to be my husband's problem after maternity leave(same company has brochures claiming to be 'Mom friendly" to potential employees). well there was a post 9/11 baby boom and daycare openings were hard to come by...I was on several 6-9 month waiting lists with 2 months of maternity leave left.....I had post partum depression and I was so broken at this point and was so desperate to provide for my son(cause that suddenly became 100% my problem too) I did adult web cam hosting and a phone sex line ......totally my idea(I think) and quit my job. He would just sit to the side and watch or listen in...try to prompt me to do more than I needed to and start beating off....he knew it was killing me to do that...he knew the only reason I was doing it was for my son...he knew anything I did was all an act...he knew I cried over it....yet there he was being the disgusting pig that he is telling me we wouldn't have money for groceries or the electric bill if I didn't get to work. He even built an escort website...and set an appointment for me thinking he was going to 'pimp me out' (yes I sit here and wish that he would just drop dead every single day) luckily for me I did flip out that day and he was smart enough to delete everything on that website and let it go. Around this time he started making comments about disappearing with my son if I tried to leave and I found myself pregnant with no recollection of the conception....he later bragged that he felt it was 'time' and he did it while I was asleep...did I mention through out all of this he was obsessed with swinging and would bring it up at least 10 times a day....through 2 pregnancies and all he could think about was me and my vagina getting him into a 'swing club'....I finally countered with open marriage just to shut him up and he balked because he needed me to attract other people to have sex with(yes I was the carrot on the stick).

He was back on porn, staying up all night...talking about 'sharing me' with his friends...I filed bankruptcy thinking I would have a chance to leave and he suddenly wanted to move to FL near my mom...so I held on thinking if I could hold on 6 months and establish residency I would have a support system with the kids and not be struggling in the northeast by myself when I divorced him.

I was the first to exercise my open marriage option with his blessing...1.) I thought if I did it...he would just do it and leave me alone about swinging 2.)there was some hope I would be swept off my feet and stolen away...I went ...did it..and came home ready to cry myself to sleep...my abuser insisted on re-creating the entire evening...the next day he pulled the starter out of my car, threatened to 'out' me and take the kids and disappear.

I never reached orgasm with my abuser...ever... as soon as I started to sound like I was getting into it he finished...didn't matter if it was 1 minute or an hour...so I learned to fake a little moan early on and get to sleep earlier in the evening. Oral was rarely reciprocated(the only time I ever heard him mention TMJ) I couldn't even use toys in his presence...he would want to get involved ..again as soon as it seemed like I was enjoying anything he would change it up.....he demanded that I call him and let him listen if I was playing when he wasn't home...felt that I was cheating on him by not sharing with him..ugh,

BTW years later when I told him I refused to do cam shows if he was in the room...he made me stop doing them because they were for 'his benefit'(even though other people were paying the $2.99 a minute)...I am happy to say that the hosting site did seem to pull down all of my content and wiped my screen name from the system when I explained that I was in an abusive marriage and felt coerced into doing web cam shows....still wouldn't run for President or become a public figure and have those surface...so I guess my career options are limited from here on out.

I'm not sure if I am even capable of enjoying sex or the person I am with...I fear that I am just going to go through the motions to get it over with and never really enjoy it again. Along with my sense of humor and my ability to dance in grocery aisles...I lost my desire for sex and intimacy. pretty sad...


03/04/2012 10:16 PM
AutumnDreams
AutumnDreams  
Posts: 110
Member

I like Meg's analogy. So true.

Pornography was a huge issue in my abusive marriage. He knew how much I hated it. He'd promise to stop, but it always cropped up again. I felt betrayed. Worst were his blaming accusations....telling me that if I'd only lose weight he'd then not need pornography. Saying he was drawn to it because I was no longer attractive. This hurt in the extreme. I wasn't that overweight, just padded. I tried and tried. I did the things he thought he wanted, the things he saw in magazines or videos. But I couldn't live up to the fantasy. I now know it was due to his abusive nature..he indeed did not want to have to please someone else; and the pornography asked nothing of him. I gave so much of myself. My youth, my heart, my trust, my body, my dignity. And in the end it was for nothing. Pornography will now always equate pain to me. Deep, soul-shriveling agony. If I ever become involved with a man again, I will have to try to find one who holds it as harmful as I do. And someone who is never abusive.

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