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02/27/2012 08:53 PM

trying to stay committed to MYSELF

starrybook2
Posts: 193
Member

Alright, Tonight my abuser ( i still hate calling him that to be honest) emailed me to tell me he is not sure he wants to be without me, and he loves me, etc. I havent spoken to him in several days. Then, i lost a jump drive that i need, and I remembered that he actually has it, so i called him. We talked briefly, and he was just normal and mellow and kind. Instant brain scramble you guys. I feel like how can i make him so two dimensional and call him "my abuser" when he has so much other parts of him? I dont know if i can believe that he is plotting and planning and trying to control me as much as I think he is childish and weak and can't act like an adult when he is emotional. In either case, i want a mature relationship, and i know i cant have it with him. But i really do love him, or else i really am hyponotized by "mr wonderful" or i dont know. I just dont know if he is "Mr Evil"

I have not completely severed ties with him. Our relationship is on the fence. I moved out, but there is always this "what if we get better' thing in the air, like "if" he stops throwing temper tantrums or on his part i think the "if" is really confusing.. i dont even know what he wants from me ( and many of you have said that is all part of their plan and tactic)

But i am not sure he is planning. I think he is confused and lacks a compass to help him stay on high ground while he feels confused. I dont want him using my compass any more, i want him to stay away from me because he randomly hurts me or his dramas take up days of my time and energy.

He is out of town and i have been afraid of fully breaking up with him in case he flips out. But now i just realized it might be smart to do it now, over the phone, so he has time to cool off before he gets back to town. I am writing this here, because I am about to call him. I dont know what the conversation will be like. I am very tired, my car keeps breaking down, i have been working full time, my son needs a lot , and its already 9:30. Anyway, i just want to document where I am right now , and hopefully someone can help me come back to earth after i talk to him. I am already starting to hear myself think things like "wait, what if i was just being paraniod? Maybe i shouldnt be so scared of him, maybe he will change, really, how could i walk away if he might change... etc" so that is what is in my head. I dont like it. Before i got the email from him today i was loving life, light on my feet, feeling so free. i then sank down into no energy, and this. Nights have been hard for me anyway, but my days have been getting so much brighter. I want that. I want the way I love to look at the world, untainted by a scary partner. I want to use all my very strong values about commitment to focus on me, and not a partner.

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02/27/2012 09:09 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14614
Group Leader

Having doubts is very normal. A lot of victims have doubts before they leave. If you can get a hold of Bancroft's book, do it because that will alleviate all of your doubts.

You mention several times about his behaviour being "scary." Have you taken the Mosaic threat assessment test on our forum? If not, you should. A lot of times abuse victims are so used to the abusive behaviour that they aren't fazed by it anymore. That happened to me. My abuser was very abusive physically, but I never thought he was that bad until after I kicked him out and our neighbors began telling me how much they'd feared him. That was a real eye opener.

Also, if no one is on tonight after you talk to him and you need to talk to someone, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. They are there 24/7 and everything you talk about will be held in confidence.

Good luck and let us know what happens!


02/27/2012 09:40 PM
p92868
p92868  
Posts: 2711
Senior Member

BrokenJules,...this is what I did that you may find helpful.....I told my abuser over the phone, he was in the other place where he lives, 14 hours drive away, that I wanted to take our relationship to the next level and become friends......he told me that I had told him that I cannot be friends with my ex boyfriends...and I said yeah but I can say hi and I can say bye......which I had previously told him as well that in the past when I end a relalionship I simply disappear......and in my last e-mail I told him that I do keep an open communication with him for official purposes but the more personal matters I still keep my space and that I appreciate his respecting my space....now my abuser is the minority according to Lundy......he is the kind that disappears for a while and may come back here and there and will try in his own way to maintain pushing so very pasively my buttons and tempt my back into his web......but I think you may want to take your relationship to the next level.....I talked the last time to his intelect level and try my best at making the conversation very brief and did not react or said anything when he was offering a monogamus relationship.......I hope this helps you.... and yes, keep us posted....

02/27/2012 10:45 PM
starrybook2
Posts: 193
Member

I did it. I told him that this idea of keeping it open ended for some day in the futue when everything might be better again, was not a good idea. And that if we are waffling this long, then the answer must be no. i cried when i hung up the phone, and then called a friend and told her that i did it. She set me straight when i told her some things he said that made me feel like maybe i am over reacting or blowing it out of proportion or maybe he is really doing better like he says he is. He at first said " i cant talk to you at all then" but he has to talk to me.. we are not done moving out of the house. So i pointed that out and the phone call was brief.

He is out of town that is why i decided now is the time. Also, yes, i did the mosaic test, and he was rated a 6. I dont know what that means totally, though-- so maybe someone here has an interpretation. I read all the stuff on the site and it made me terrified and i did not sleep all night that night, so I have to take a break from it, but i would appreciate any further info. Also, i would go get the book but my car keeps breaking down, i am very very busy during rational store hours.. life is kind of crazy right now, I am barely getting a chance to eat in the day time. Another reason why i am insomniac, because finally the world is quiet.

For now i am typing quickly as i can so i dont work myself up too long and i go to sleep. I asked him if he thought he was suicidal and he got really mad and said "i am 99.9% sure i am Not! and i have told you that before!" As if that cancells out seeing him curled up in the fetal position saying he doesnt think his life has any value, etc.

I thanked him for assuring me that he was safe. And that actually did help make it easier for me. We hung up a few minutes later. I noticed i really wanted him to say "I love you" before he hung up, as a way of closure. I said it in the conversation earlier-- anyaway he did not say it, and i know that is probably just how it should be-- but i just felt like it was one last little dig at me, because I am sure he knew I hoped the conversation could end that way. Oh well. I am not even freaking out now. I am just tired tired! Good night, thank you for being here, thanks for reminding me about the hotline, i forgot tonight, and will use it when i need to.


02/28/2012 12:19 AM
p92868
p92868  
Posts: 2711
Senior Member

Starrybook2, 6 in the mosaic test I believe is out of 10 being the worst....so you are in the higher half.....when I broke up with my abuser, I was calm in the sense of certainty....it is my believe that if we break up to soon when we are not ready, we will need to go back or mend wounds that are still open......and each one of us has our own way to leave abuse so there is no one way....you will find your own way as you are doing it......I will try to calm down....and find your conviction in the books....when you need someone to say I love you....the last person you want to get it from is your abuse also validation for all the crazy things he has done that now he displays as if it is normal....you want to see your abuser tell you I love you?....he will act aggresive and you will be terrified....that is the way an abuser shows attention and love to their victims.......the abuse is not going to end bec you feel it needs to finish......it takes time and becoming wiser......when I feel out of control I let my fear come up, and not act on it....if I feel I desperately need to talk to some one to tell me I am loved...I call the dv hotline...if I get the wrong approach operator I say good bye politely and call again....or call a friend if I can find them......believe me, your abuse will come to an end but it is hard work......the dependency that I have with my abuser will come to an end eventually....I left him 8 months ago and I am working hard at waking up in the mornings and not feeling sooooo much pain...and I think I am about to break through this feeling passionately pain.......your abuser is not going to admit to anything he has done, on the contrary you are going to find more lies and justifications to prove you it is all your fault and we as victims tend to believe them......take your time, breath some air, and read, read, I remember when I used to miss my abuser more than I do now, I use to do a lot of reading and I found his description in these lines...and my anciety tended to discipate......I hope you find the peace that is allowing me to have faith that some day I will be completely abuse free......I care about your wellbeing, please be patient with yourself....changes take a lot of time, take a bath, this helps me a great deal to feel loved.......it is like running or swimming...and learning to hold air under the water takes time and practice....it is not done bec I decide that today I want to dive the entire length of the pool......I have been in your shoes and I am here now....there is a way and time is of escense......you are coming out, be patient and loving with youself.......

02/28/2012 04:22 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14614
Group Leader

Insisting that he's not suicidal after seeing him curled up in a fetal position crying that life has no value should show you what an actor he is. I'm proud of you for doing this, but despite his saying that you two can't talk now, be prepared for him to start texting, e-mailing and calling you. Rarely do they go away and stay away. Now would be a good time to arrange for some counseling for yourself as you are going to need all the support you can get in the coming months.
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