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02/20/2012 09:10 PM

Financial Control-does this sound like it?

unafemina

I've noticed that instead of giving me $100 here and there to do grocery shopping, my husband has been doing the shopping himself. He calls me and asks me what I want. All these years I have done the grocery shopping. This is sudden. While it could be viewed as something generous on his part (helping me by doing the shopping instead of me), I feel like one of my main "jobs" was taken from me. It's a weird feeling.

I'm wondering if it is because he knows that I save all of my change. I usually save all of the coins and end up with about $100 after my jar fills up. If he does the shopping, there is no change for me to save.

It's a weird feeling. I am wondering if he is being as calculating as his mother, controlling the money by doing all the shopping and not giving me any leeway. Does this make sense?

Tonight he came home after shopping and I felt so small. I shouldn't feel small because he's doing the shopping, but I do. I feel like there is more to it. I feel like he's trying to keep me from having any leftover change.

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02/20/2012 09:18 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14614
Group Leader

Mine would do the exact same thing! I loved grocery shopping for a couple of reasons. First, I saw a lot of my friends in the grocery store and it was kind of a social thing. Secondly, if he gave me cash to spend that week, I would use coupons, sale items, etc. and save the rest. If he told me to use a credit card, I'd sneak one or two things in that I needed personally. He used to occasionally threaten to do the grocery shopping himself and I would go ballistic! We had some real arguments over it and that was the only thing I could think of. He knew it was a much needed outing for me mentally and that I was somehow profiting from it. It definitely was a control thing and yes, it could be considered financial abuse.

Does he know you save the change?


02/20/2012 09:26 PM
unafemina

Yes, he does. Also, I managed to save $900 over the past year and he was a little surprised by it. He didn't complain, but he didn't want me to use it on things that I thought to spend it on. He just said, "You need that for medical." It was my original intent, to save up for my surgery, but my dad helped me with some medical $$, so I thought I might be able to use it for Christmas. It occurred to me that he doesn't want me to save that much money again. I am taking my dog to the vet. He knows I am using some of the medical money my dad gave me.. I really need to take the dog b/c she has stuff coming out of her ears!! I told him that I am going to use some of that money because I don't have it. He just said, "You need to find out what it will cost to put her to sleep." Granted, she is an old dog, but it's just an ear infection. Meanwhile he will spend money on other things but not even think to help out with the dog. It's a little upsetting. If I could be sure he IS being calculating, that would make it easier to ease my guilt, b/c what an awful thing to do!!! I am not a child, but I feel like a child. And I hate feeling like a child. He knows that in the "old days" before I changed, when I would "forgive" him, I think the only way I could handle it was to be weak and delicate, so he could "care" for me. Now I am not wanting to be the weak and fragile person. I WAS fragile because to be in that place is a fragile place to be. I'm in a hurry typing...I can't be on long, but I really need this support, otherwise my mind will be playing tricks on me.

I want clarity. I want to be sure that my gut is right!!


02/20/2012 09:36 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14614
Group Leader

Rest assured that you are being financially abused. I once had a secret bank account that he found out about. Actually, I told him about it because my car needed an expensive repair that he claimed he couldn't afford. When he found out how much I'd managed to save, he was stunned. It was an emergency fund in case I needed to leave quickly with the kids, but I told him it was a family emergency fund. Anyway, I got my car fixed and from then on, he slowly began making me use my own money to pay for things like my prescriptions, my gas, my haircuts, etc. and he really began pressuring me to put my check from the puny part-time job he always made fun of into the regular account. I resisted though because even though he denied it would happen, I knew that once I did that, I would have to beg for every dime I needed. Then he began withholding money from me and hiding it and feeling totally justified in doing it because I refused to put my check into the regular account and I had my own bank account that he didn't have access to. The funny thing was that HE was the one who insisted I open my own bank account way back when I got my puny little part-time job. I remember his exact words were, "Any money you make, you can spend on whatever you want." HA! I was a fool to believe him, but that was before I had any idea he was an abuser.

That is totally financial abuse.


02/20/2012 09:54 PM
p92868
p92868  
Posts: 2711
Senior Member

Gosh! Meg1129, that is so typical of an abuser!! It enfurates me.....my abuser said so many things I should not do or not let anyone do onto me.....that later or he would do them himself!!....and from reading about abuser 101, I learned that this is just one more tactic abusers do to wash their hands and get your guard down....it works very well for the abusers.....my abuser told me, at the begining, do not let anyone change you, you are a very nice person just the way you are....nobody has the rigth to change who you are.....can you believe that?....he also told me, that if I were the rigth woman (in his life), he would give me my spot (in his life).....and little by little I thought, if I behave well, he will marry me....so I felt more at ease...I remember even his face and how he kissed me in my forehead as if he was admiring me as I was dozing off....and I was sooooo happy.....it makes me want to cry out of anger now!!!! How dare him!...sometimes though, I have read, they do not know why they are doing it in the short run....but I am aware they have the whole picture very very clear, so there is not excuse what so ever.....I am soooo angry! he fouled me!....but I have to be patient and I cannot blame me either...how would I know that there are such creatures!....now, I know better but also I am aware, this is no guarantee I can fall for another one....yet I am learning a lot of red flags by which I will not fall again.....aaaah!!!....and I bet he will have more victims at his feet.....it is unfair yet I know that I can be happy and he will never be satisfied.....I will!...this is my best revenge and my best investment....my own space and my own vibes stay with me, my compashion shall never never ever go to him......I really want never to see him again...I know he will want to see me at a certain point....I refuse to give him any vibe of mine....this is my punishment to him.......and I am begining to grasp and see that no matter how beautiful, how young, how much money the future girls he is with, he will never be happy.......so it was never my fault!.....Yeah!....and I told him even for people that have lots of money, the world goes around for all of us.....and his grandfathers company went belly up.....I should apply this thoughts on me, as my money is so tight it is a bit depressing but by the same talken I am feeling envigorated and I respect people that work hard like myself....I often feel Meg1129 presence when I am managing my purchases at the grocery store and I feel that she is proud of me and admiring my audacity to make it the proudly way that I am making it in life......Smile

02/20/2012 10:26 PM
Go2Girl
Go2Girl  
Posts: 252
Member

It's funny the things I am remembering now the more I read others stories! I just remembered that I used to hide money in places where I didn't think he would find it so we would have money later for groceries and such. He wouldn't overtly try to control the money... he would give me cash sometimes to "hold on to it" but he had no problem getting into my wallet any time he needed money. He would eventually end up taking back all the cash he gave me and then some! He would often take my debit card from my personal account and not even let me know. Whenever we had money, it was like it would burn a hole in his pocket. He could not save money if his life depended on it. We'd had a joint bank account at one time which ended up getting closed because he wrote so many bad checks. I then had a bank account in my name only (the only way we were ever able to stay on track and get our bills paid) and he would hold this over my head even though he knew he was not responsible enough to manage our finances. He bankrupted me in less than 2 years of being together. I'd never had a late bill before I met him.

There were times he would take cash out of the account and then lie to me and say he didn't when I could clearly see on the on-line banking that he did! He had a gambling problem (in addition to many other addictions)... he spent our mortgage payment gambling one time, he made me cash out my son's saving account with promises to pay it back (which never happened)... one day we had the power company out at the house shutting off off power and where was he? Up at the casino. He pawned my engagement ring... I think to buy cocaine and then got mad at me because he didn't know that the ring had sentimental value to it. Apparently I was not supposed to care? The only way I found out was because I found the pawn receipt when I was cleaning.

You know, something funny he told me one time... His ex-wife (#3, I am #4 btw) had a problem with alcohol (I think she became that way to deal with him!) and he told me sometimes he would drink all the liquor in the house before she could, so that way she couldn't get drunk.... maybe that was his philosophy with me... he would spend all the money before I got a chance to? The sad part is... I am very responsible with money. He wanted me to manage the money and I would tell him... I have no problems with managing the money, it's you I can' manage!

I don't know how I fell so far, so fast... before I met him, I lived in a very large beautiful house in a great neighborhood, made 6 figure income with a great career, brand new car, very little bills, plus 60k in the bank, I was on top of the world! He took all of that from me and now I am starting over. I figure there are some things that I learned from all of this. I learned to not be so prideful... although... I was really proud of myself and all that I had accomplished. Don't have anything to show for it now but knowledge.


02/20/2012 11:05 PM
p92868
p92868  
Posts: 2711
Senior Member

Go2Girl, the best, and I know you know what I mean, things to show for are the things that you carry inside yourself.....those are things that no one not even and abuser can take away from you!....way to go girl!.....I am also starting from the bottom....when I see the company boss take off to a trip somewhere and he just came back from the lake I think to myself thank godness I am not in the boat with my abuser....I rather be at work in a sane world than in all that confusion and I dont want everyone to know....but I feel I am more important and more knowledgable that they even dreamed of.....and this is what is important to rescue the wiseness that we have adquired through life...have you even felt very very comfortable with some people and you want to be around them all of the time and be part of their world....I can picture older people specially...and tis is what I want to be...or what I am already......the materialistic world is fun and you know it well and I have seen it in different roles, the money world, we can get there as many times as this life is going to give us the opportunity but the knowledge, wisdom and awereness cannot be purchased with money but with sacrifice and experience something that we are earning minute by minute......if I were to dye tomorrow and I hope it is fast, I will be happy of all the things that I have whole heartly done...and I bet people that have money can not say the same....but what matters to me is that I am doing what I can do the best way I can.....I have learned with my family experience that money comes and money goes....what stays with me is the learning experience and the happiness that once carries within ourselves, the tools to survive in the most difficult times......it is a hard concept to me sometimes to comprenhend why cannot money buy knowledge...and I see that my abuser being a millionaire is not happy...he is always hungry for more victims and more attention....I am more at rest confident of who I am and at peace with or without much money......I do plan on making money dont take me wrong.....I plan once I have a secure job with the federal government I guess, to stablish my hair removal by waxing salon and make lots of moneys......and at the same time be happy....I think life is about a balance not about money......I have seen it with my nanny who is a poor person overseas...she is the best example and awesome company I have had the luxury of having in my life.....and she is happy in her own humble way....way to go Feli! (that is her name and she does not speak english....so from here I send her my vibes for having been in my life with all of her heart....Smile)....

keep it up you Go2Girl....you are going to make it and celebrate it OK?......Yeah!


02/21/2012 04:29 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14614
Group Leader

In less than five months after my abuser finding out about my secret bank account, it was all gone. It took me years to build it up and prior to that, I had a strict no withdrawl policy because it was an emergency fund.

Also, Got2girl reminded me of something I'd forgotten. Way back in the beginning of our marriage, whenever he was mad at me, he'd sneak into my purse and take all my credit cards out. I have never been a spender - he was - but he would say he didn't feel he could trust me with "his" money. Later, when he stopped being mad at me, he'd give them back to me, but I had to ask first. He'd then hand them over like he'd hoped I'd learned a lesson. Oh, I learned a lesson alright ... a lesson that told me I couldn't trust him and that I needed my own money!


02/21/2012 06:40 AM
WandaLynn
WandaLynn  
Posts: 990
Member

yes he is not wanting you to have one penny left so he is controlling the situation.

02/21/2012 09:35 AM
unafemina

Thank you for the validation. It is how I feel, but I'm afraid to say that everything is "abuse." I am looking for a job. When I do find one, I know I will feel better about myself.
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