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02/25/2012 05:31 AM

am i overreacting?(page 3)

BrokenJules
BrokenJules  
Posts: 126
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I needed this confirmation, Meg and p92868. It probably is his voice playing in my head. Whenever I try to talk to him about something he has done, he does usually say things like that didn't really happen or I am being too sensitive or "a baby". When we were dating and first married I used to talk more to people when incidents did happen, which was more rare then. When I did talk to someone about what had happened, it was always because I wanted to get an outside opinion about what I had done wrong and how I could have handled the situation better, but he would say "What happens between us is supposed to stay between us. You shouldn't be talking bad about me behind my back to our friends and making me look bad. I don't do that to you." And that got ingrained in to me, even though I would find out that he would talk about our problems to other people. It didn't take long before I just stopped talking to anyone about any of it. I even stopped journaling because he would read my journal and say I made him look bad in my journal. I would wonder why that mattered. My journal wasn't for anyone else but me. But it worked because for years I just kept everything locked up inside.

When I finally did start talking again a little over a year ago, people were shocked. They thought our marriage was so great. One of my good friends didn't even believe me, I think. I haven't even I talked to her since I initially told her. I've left her messages and sent her emails, but she only returned one message I sent on Facebook, and her answer was only one sentence. And, of course, the shock, the not believing only made me doubt myself more at first. The one thing that helped me was that two of my good friends at work at the time had actually seen him in action a couple of times when he had been mean to me over the telephone. That helped me know it was real and wasn't in my head. But one of my other friends who has been in the same room with his before and heard him call me names doesn't fully comprehend, I think. He still kind of believes that all of this has just started or that my husband just doesn't know how to talk to women and encourage me. But he knows how to talk to women just fine. He used to have no problem telling me what I wanted and needed to hear. He just doesn't choose to do it anymore. This same friend says that he knows my husband isn't happy in our marriage, that he has told him so. I said, "Why wouldn't he be happy? He gets EVERYTHING! All he has to do is go to work and come home and sit on his butt. I go to work, do all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the child care and try to be there for his emotional needs. All I'm really getting is a place to live! Why would he be unhappy? Because of the sex? Well no matter what I do in that area it's always wrong, and I don't even think he knows what he wants!"

Anyway, I am reading the Bancroft book. I have to keep it at work though and read it there when I have spare time. I don't know what he would say if I brought it home and he saw it. And I do see him on almost every page in that book. The chapter where Bancroft talks about the different abuser styles, I think mine is a combo of about three or four of them. When I'm reading the book it all makes so much sense to me, and I tell myself to remember what I am reading and hold it inside me for when he starts doing those things, but as soon as I get home and he is there a lot of my strength flies out the window. I still feel my anger. It's always there anymore, just brewing under surface, but I feel like I can't really show it. And the crazy thing? Even though I have and do contemplate leaving him, I still worry and fear that he will leave me. I kind of fantasize about him leaving me, but I also fear it. How crazy is that?

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02/25/2012 07:18 AM
NaniCam
NaniCamPosts: 288
Member

BrokenJules, this is the part that is so crazy making. When I flipped out everyone thought I was nuts. They saw this perfect marriage and family. Even with the background of his affairs they thought I was not able to forgive him, which was such a lie because decades have taken place and all was forgiven. What happened was that his affairs were just a symptom of a bigger problem and it hit me hard all at once. I didn't see all of it then on the conscious level, but I could feel how powerful it was.

Only a very few people saw and understood. Yet, to the outside world, I was the one who was wrong and evil. He presents himself so perfectly to them. It is what it is. It's not right, but I cannot help that. Sometimes I still think it is in my head. That's when I really need to speak to the close few who see and read the list of attributes. My ex husband is Emotionally Unavailable and a covert abuser.

Trust your gut. Sometimes, and fairly often, my mind plays tricks on me. It cannot be trusted when a trigger has sent me into a spiral.

One day you will find yourself needing to make a choice. Only you will know when. In the meantime, you must arm yourself with information and protect yourself. I remember when I was ready to just give up. And I asked God to show me the truth. The words Passive Aggressive Behavior came into my mind and I did a search on the internet. What I read blew me away. Things I had said were in black and white. I received such confirmation that day. That's when I knew what I was dealing with. It has been unfolding ever since, even when I made two other attempts at reconciliation. Now I see. I still have much healing ahead of me. Journaling and reading The Emotionally Abused Woman by Elizabeth Engel really helps.


02/25/2012 09:17 AM
p92868
p92868  
Posts: 2707
Senior Member

BrokenJules......welcome to crazy making world....you sound just like me just a few months ago!......he is manipulating you.....doesn't if feel like a roller coaster?.....very very running in circles and abusing you treating you unfairly and not letting you say nothing about it.....how unfair and abusive is that?.....what if you child were to come to you and tell you mommy, the soup that you gave me is too hot....and you had me eat it and it burned my tong...pls. dont serve it too hot please....and you said shoot up, you are making it up, dont talk about it, you are hurting my feelings?.....how do you think your child is going to feel like?....this is how you feel.....another big point that came clear with your lines above....he tells you not to talk to others bec it embarraces him......why then he gets to talk to his friend and tell him that he is not happy in his marriage?......he is an abuser and he feels entitle to do things that you are not.....typical abuser.....what I used to do to help me right on....was not to change him or try to really find a solution to his approach to me....but to accept him...and so when he would be painfully unfair to me, I would tell myself...ok, this is who he is and I feel pain....what are my options.....either I accept it and not let me affect me which is impossible but I can pretend or I get myself ready to leave him.......and so I did.....but it takes sort of a full tank of gasoline in my car to leave him far away....so it took many many many times of his abuse for me to be prepared to leave....I knew I would miss the ways that he knew how to make me experience fun and happiness....and these are the memories that are now coming to my mind....and so going back to you.....it is part of becoming aware that he is an abuser and there is no way to change him.....I would tell myself take this period of time to accept that he is an abuser, the way that he is and take the opportunity to fill up your tank of gasoline so that when the weather is appropriate you leave him....you are finding and identifying with details how he abuses and you are comfirming your suspicious....bec initially you tend to believe that there is some magical explanation that would prove that he is not abusive and that you can learn to live with him.......it takes a lot a lot of patience and crazy making to gain the global comprenhension that the one you love is abusive to you.....in addition he knows you better that you know yourself so he can make you feel very very good when he deems necessary so you dont leave him.........also, I remember how I feared my abuser were to leave me....he told me so!...but wouldnt, he threated me and I feared being left alone and in pain.....so I behaved like a good girl and took his shit....at the end I made myself ready to leave and I left him....and I have not gone back to him once!...and hope to keep it up......keep on reading and asking questions....it takes a lot of courage to gain understanding that abusers do not chance period.....bec we believe that if we can chance, they can also change...this does not work with an abuser....it is their set of warp value system that does not operate the way we do....it is not a learned behaviour....I am still trying to understand it to its fullest.....the way I picture it is I have an airplane that flights forward and I want it to operate like a helicopter...and the plane that I have does not have this capacity....so I got on the plane thinking that it can go straight up bec the plane manual lied to me and told me that it (lets say the plane talks) can fly!..in order to get me on board......but now I understand that I have been deceived...and in the process I have learned to enjoy the never ending ride on the plane....but I need and want to go straight up like helicopters do...so I need to get off the plane and find a helicopter.....I hope this analogy helps figure out where you are in the process and help you draw your plans more clearly in this picture this period of your life.......continue to ask questions and be prepaired to feel pain...it is normal and part of the process....sometimes, I feel as if the pain makes me drunk and I loose my sense of direction and I think the pain is going to last for ever.....so today I became aware that it is all part of my plan.....I have this nail that it is placed deep in my flesh (since I was born in my abusive family)...and my job is to find the hammer or the tool to take it off my soul.....and as I remove it and look at the wound, it is going to hurt....it is all part of the process so that I can successfully remove it for good and my flesh will heal......even as I am experiencing pain.......time and patience and love and knowing that my feelings and my brain are in toon and I am one and will do anything it takes to feel at peace again.....hope this helps... keep on thinking....you are on your way to get out of the abuse path...way to go!....

Post edited by: p92868, at: 02/25/2012 09:17 AM


02/26/2012 12:37 PM
nolongertrapped
nolongertrapped  
Posts: 863
Senior Member

Broken Jules,

I've read this entire thread and I couldn't help but feel like I was reading my own journal.

"When we were dating and first married I used to talk more to people when incidents did happen, which was more rare then. When I did talk to someone about what had happened, it was always because I wanted to get an outside opinion about what I had done wrong and how I could have handled the situation better, but he would say "What happens between us is supposed to stay between us. You shouldn't be talking bad about me behind my back to our friends and making me look bad. I don't do that to you." And that got ingrained in to me, even though I would find out that he would talk about our problems to other people. It didn't take long before I just stopped talking to anyone about any of it. I even stopped journaling because he would read my journal and say I made him look bad in my journal. I would wonder why that mattered. My journal wasn't for anyone else but me. But it worked because for years I just kept everything locked up inside. "

My abuser did and said the exact same thing...only I didn't really stop talking about it. I did with my parents because I knew my father would shoot him and go to prison if he knew what was really going on. But my friends, I told them everything. I had a handful of friends that I would talk to every time I left the apartment to go to work or school. I told them about the horrible fights, that he was refusing to have sex with me when I wanted it but would always insist on it when he wanted it which was still rare and far in between. I told them all about catching him using heroin. I told them about the holes he punched in my door.

And I know what you mean as well when you feel like you are blowing it out of proportion when you talk about it.

Your not blowing it out of proportion. That is exactly how it made you feel. The only reason you feel like your blowing it out of proportion is because you can't tell your husband how it made you feel. You can't tell your husband how it made you feel because he is abusive and he will just make you feel foolish and hurt you even more.

I can't think of a worse way to be violated than to be forced to have oral sex. I'd be tempted to bite that pecker off the next time he put it next to my face.

Even if you don't want to tell your husband that he raped you..or maybe you don't feel like rape is the proper word..the point is that you felt violated. You felt used and unloved and he left you in pain. Whether you classify that as abuse or not, I certainly classify it as an unhappy marriage.

He definately shows the signs of cheating. My ex did the same things. He would mysteriously go shopping at Home Depot three times a day and to the grocery store twice a night and lock himself in the bathroom for half an hour at a time...only my ex wasn't cheating on me with another woman, he was cheating on me with heroin.

How would your husband react if you started going for a "jog" every single night? How would he feel if you suddenly wanted to go shopping? Just food for thought.

Oh and BrokenJules...I think its about time that you Break his Jewels.


02/26/2012 12:42 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14606
Group Leader

I just want to add that mine also said he only talked glowingly of me when he found out that I was confiding in a couple of friends about our problems. He made it seem like I had betrayed him and that HE was so much better than me because he kept MY "horrendous" behaviour a secret so as not to embarass me. HA! I didn't care. I needed an outlet. I needed to vent. If he hadn't been abusive, I wouldn't need to talk to other people. As for him not saying anything about ME, what could he say? Sure, he could make stuff up, but I didn't give a damn. Anyone who knew me well wouldn't believe a word of it and those who did, obviously didn't know me so I wasn't going to lose any sleep over what they believed or didn't believe.

02/27/2012 01:48 PM
BrokenJules
BrokenJules  
Posts: 126
Member

So this weekend was actually okay. He wasn't super nice, still texting on that phone a lot, but we did actually joke around some and he actually started a couple of conversations with me instead of me always trying to find something to talk about. I got upset with one of my friends who backed out on some plans we had made at the last minute with no notice, and he was supportive and participated in an alternate plan with me. Last night we were going to have sex and he grabbed my hand and tried to make me touch him a certain way, but I shook him off and told him, "Don't MAKE me," and he did stop without pouting like he often does. It was actually good after that and felt like we were both in control. I don't think everything is magically okay, far from it. But I am just being relaxed and enjoying the good while it lasts so that I can have a couple of days of not feeling so stressed all the time. Honestly, that was how the good weekend started, by me just telling myself "I am going to be happy and have some fun with my son this weekend." So that's what I did and the fact that my husband was in a good mood was just the icing on the cake.

02/27/2012 02:44 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14606
Group Leader

I know exactly what you mean. Even though I knew the Mr. Wonderful act was all part of the abusive cycle, designed to draw me back into the relationship, get him the ego strokes he wanted and make him feel like he wasn't such a bad guy for being an abuser, I still ate it up. I knew it wouldn't last, so I took full advantage of those days knowing full well that the other shoe would drop eventually and it always did ... sometimes so fast that I didn't know what hit me.

02/27/2012 06:02 PM
LifeAwaits
LifeAwaits  
Posts: 715
Member

My abuser wasn't outright verbally abusive. The only name he every called me is "whore." When I told a friend she asked me if that were true. I started in on myself repeating HIS justifications as to why I was. She stopped me and said it's just a word and I choose to empower it. She asked if he called me a door would I get upset and, of course, I said no. She said for me to journal every name he called me and every time he said white is black and black is white and write down his justifications and what I thought, felt, and believed and to look at it from his viewpoint of needing to control me and from my viewpoint of reality. That exercise really helped me to calm my brain down and feel the effects of his crazy-making less.

02/27/2012 06:59 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14606
Group Leader

That's the same exercise I learned years ago in Al-Anon. I remember them saying, "If he called you a chair, would it upset you?" When my kids were little and having friend trouble at school, I always said, "Well, who cares what Susie or Billy think of you? Who cares what they think anyway?" I always tried to bring the person down in their minds, not to be mean but to give them a reality check. I mean these are people with a TON of baggage themselves, who have no concept of reality, think the world should revolve around them and that they can do no wrong. How can we put any stock into what they say? The things that come out of their mouths are no more believable than the ramblings of someone who is hallucinating.

02/27/2012 09:15 PM
p92868
p92868  
Posts: 2707
Senior Member

Gosh! BrokenJules, take a break an enjoy the brief period become strong so when the next period comes back you can sort of anticipate it.....I would give anything for my abuser to maintain the nice period for ever...they were soooo pleasant and at least the feelings could remain stable for a few more hours.....now I have that control....nobody abuses me in the privacy of my home...and at work I can react and defend me (since there are three abuser ladies and in a different arena and in different degrees, etc.)...and now I am looking forward to seeing my counselor on Thursday; it will be our second session and I think she will be helpful....tells me she has seen several dv cases in the past and that my case is not as the previous victims she has seen bec I have been working on my own already, etc.....and this is true and I think I am getting ready to move on....in the morning today I told me what the dv operator (male!) suggested...."I am capable and I can do it"...I have several projects I need to take care of such, taxes, filing my bills, etc....continue to look into my 10-year jobs, etc. for the federal job application, balance my credit card booklet and post all my payments on each folder I made for the last approx. 4 months...and I am taking Thursday off to do a lot of this stuff.....and the evenings as well....tonight my netbook screen broke and I am using my desk top....it took a while to get this info. on the phone and tomorrow I guess I need to call them and find out my options......but I know I am learning not to act of my fear...I know how to do this very well and I am tired of doing it...so it is my hope that by telling myself...."I am capable and I can do it" that it will help me move on....I will keep you posted......

Keep on dreaming BrokeJules....one day, you will have continuously peace......

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