Emotional Abuse Support Group

i have noticed concerning a few family members that

if I talk about my abusive situation that they seem to

not stay in contact with me...or they become upset with me

because I havent gotten out of my situation yet.However

they dont understand my financial hardship and other things involved.

I feel like a victim all over again.

WandaLyn, I found that to be the case too. It also happens when you get divorced. I wish I had the answer. Sometimes they are in denial. Other times they have a superstitious feeling of it happening to them.

When these things happen we have to make a new life and be careful who we let in.

Sometimes I feel like just a number, or invisible. Perhaps it takes time. Journaling and finding out who I really am is the first step. If is my time of healing. I was married for over three decades. There is much to process.

We're here for you.

Hugs.

I imagine there are a few possible reasons for this... First of all, and most likely, they simply don't understand the nature of abuse. When a person sees another person hanging around a jerk that treats her like dirt, the natural reaction is "Why doesn't she just LEAVE him?!" (or her, whatever it may be of course). They don't understand the control aspects of the relationship and the mental damage that has to be overcome. I imagine other people see this situation and become frustrated because they see it as the victim refusing to do anything to better her situation (which as you know, is a rather short-sighted assessment).

Secondly, when family members see you identifying abuse in your life and attempting to heal from it, it often forces them to evaluate their own lives/relationships which makes them uncomfortable. I had a friend who was overweight and her whole family was overweight too. When she decided to start getting healthy and lose the weight, her family was surprisingly unsupportive. Since she was trying to break the cycle, it forced them to look at themselves and wonder why they don't do the same. Upon seeing this, one of the natural reactions is to push it away so that it doesn't have to be faced. It's easier to condemn than it is to wade through it. Her whole family initally tried to sabatoge her (that way making her no better than them, thus making them feel validated and justified in their own behaviors), but eventually as she pushed through they started to really distance themselves. I imagine it was too difficult for them to see her succeed when they haven't.

Also, I think when people accustomed to seeing someone as weak for so long, it is strange and uncomfortable to see him/her as anything else.

This reminds me of something my husband said to me a couple of days ago... he said "Sometimes I feel like I'm cheating on my wife with my own wife because you've changed so much since we first met... You're so much stronger than you used to be and it's great!"

He's supportive of the change because he has always wanted me to be happier... but not all families are like that. When I started to succeed my family didn't like the "new me" because they counted on me being a failure to justify their own lives.

A lot of people just don't want to get involved in other people's troubles. I have noticed this same thing whenever I talk to people about ANY problem I'm having in my life. Honestly, I think that's because of a growing self-centeredness I see in people. They have all day to talk to you if you're making them laugh or listening to them talk about THEIR problems, but the minute you ask for something for yourself, even just an ear to bend, they don't want to do it.

One night when my abuser was beating me senseless, I managed to break free and ran to the front door, flung it open and screamed at the top of my lungs into the hallway. He was right behind me, so I had no chance of escaping, but considering we lived in a two-flat and the family downstairs was always home, I thought they would hear me and call the police. They didn't. It was a hot summer night and a lot of people had their windows open and were sitting outside. No one did anything. Oddly enough, I was angrier about that than I was about the beating. That really affected me. It made me cynical and kind of hardened my heart against others.

There was another case once very similar to mine in NY involving a woman named Kitty Genovese. It's a very old case, but she was beaten to death OUTSIDE in a very public area and people refused to help. No one even called the police. Google it for details. It's a very famous case.

People just don't want to get involved in other people's problems. They are very self-centered. Oh and one more thing ...

I think pointing out that you should do something first to help yourself is their way of justifying not getting involved. They can go to bed at night saying, "Well, it must not be too bad if she's still staying with him." They don't realize how hard it is to leave when you've got kids, no job, no money, health problems, nowhere to go, etc.

Post edited by: Meg1129, at: 02/16/2012 08:26 AM

Meg, I called the cops last year when I was still living in an apartment because it was pretty clear that someone was getting hurt.. I had heard yelling and arguing before but this time it sounded more violent. I was surprised to hear that nobody had even voiced so much as a noise complaint before I had called (meanwhile I got noise complaints because I was "walking too loudly"!) I have no idea what happened to that woman... I never saw her again, and a few weeks later the door had been kicked in and the furniture all thrown out to the street with a court summons taped to the door. I really hope I made a difference, but I'll never know. At least I tried.

you ladies are a Godsend...you really are!I thank you so much for the help and advice and it has made me look at things from many perspectives.hugs!

WandaLynn,Most people do not understand what it is like to be abused.They have not walked in our shoes.Sadly people can be cruel.But remember you can always come here and you will get love and support.You are not alone.Hopefully as survivors of abuse we will drag it into the light of day and others will be more compassionate and understanding in time.

HUGS.Lanna

I agree with previous posts, and I felt like that too. Especially my friends, when they discovered the situation with J. was far worse than they had believed, they turned on me. I can't believe how many friends I lost and how many new friends I made out of this bad experience.

Most people don't want to have anything to do with someone who has been abused, first because it forces them to look at the rubbish they've in their own lives, second because, as anyone else already said, they're too selfcentered to get what you were through, easy to rant but not so easy to listen.

Always remember you're not alone and you can come here to have a chat and support any time.

Hugs! Merlin xx

Thanks Lanna and MerlinScot & others.Big hugs to you!Wish we lived in a more compassionate world but thankfully I have a wonderful group here that is supportive.That gives me hope and keeps me going.To see what you ladies have endured and what you have overcome is an inspiration to me daily.Thanks for your words of wisdom.