Emotional Abuse Support Group

My stomach hurts. My head hurts. My mind hurts. I was reading in one of the books and I am guilty. I give zero affection. I give zero love. I have nothing inside of me. I feel like an empty shell. Even though my husband is spending money on me, acting nice, I know deep down that how he believes. He believes deep down that he has the right to forbid me to go to church locally because I might make his business look bad. He believes he had the right to talk to me in derogatory language because I hurt his feelings. He believes that I am selfish for wanting to pursue time consuming activities and goals that will cause attention to be taken away from him. I know that if I stay with him, I might as well give up on everything I had previously decided to do. I feel like I have lost my ambition. I feel like I've lost any desire to do anything. I feel so sad and alone. I can't have friends. I can't invite anyone over to my house. My husband said that we can't save money. So what do I have to look forward to? When I talked about my idea to pay down the house when I start working full time he said that is a bad idea because we have to pay for the kids' college. He said we can't even think about saving money. Then he said, "I don't know how we're going to do that." But he knows that my suggestions and ideas are not the right ones.

I will never be able to become anything if I stay. I already feel so empty. He wants love from me, but I have no feelings left. I am numb. I have no feelings about anything. I feel like an empty shell and I am beginning to feel desperate. And I feel angry too. And alone.

I'm frustrated because I can't get a hold of that counselor. I've left messages. I know I need to talk to someone.

Please send good thoughts my way. I'm 44 today and sadder then I've ever been in my life. Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself, but I am just having trouble getting strength. I'm damned if I stay and I'm damned if I leave. My husband sent me an email that was meant to be loving, but it literally made me feel like I couldn't breathe. It said this: "What women should know: A man who truly loves you will never let you go, no matter how hard the situation is. What men should know: A woman who truly loves you will be angry at you for so many things, but will stick around." This quote was meant to be loving and was a graphic of pretty pastel fonts, but the meaning felt stifling, as though I am to never think to leave, lest I show that I don't really love him. It's like he's said all these years, "I love you more..." and "You don't love me."

There was a time when I wanted to work out all of these things. I would try to talk to him about these things that hurt so much. But I somehow learned that it was safest and least hurtful to just accept it and keep it to myself. Doing this has caused me great damage. So much damage that I am afraid I might never be repaired.

Thanks for listening.

Unafemina,

Sorry you are having such a bad day. I just want you to know- If you gave him all your attention and love, it would not be enough. He is an empty void. Aside from the fact he has not treated you with respect or love. Why feel guilty. He does not deserve it. You are not damed if you leave. It is very scarey but well worth your freedom. You will know when you are ready. But don't let him guilt you. That is their power. This and secrets.

Honey, I beg you to call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk. They will not ask any information from you. No one will show up at your house or call you. You are not going to be berated, told this all your fault, made to leave or any of that stuff. You will be allowed to talk and cry and get soothing, comfort feedback. You will receive gentle suggestions and phone numbers of local resources that can help you should you choose to accept them. It's like talking to your counselor, only you can call 24/7. PLEASE CALL!

unafemina, as it has been said many times before on this board, relationship advice for normal people does NOT apply to abusive relationships. In fact, it is often HARMFUL.

I encourage you to call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline and talk with them. You are being abused.

Sending you a birthday hug, unafemina.

Unafemina, I felt like you're feeling now so many times. To love an abuser means selfdistruction, your love won't be ever enough for him, your efforts won't be ever enough either.

The only choice in front of you is going "no contact". I'm finding my peace of mind only now, after nearly 2 months of no contact. Don't let him get to you again with "it's all your fault" refrain, they play on the fact you feel guilty!

If you feel to vent or you're looking for validation, please come here but avoid to let yourself be involved into the game of guilt they play so well.

Call the Domestic abuse line and shut him out of your life!! Your damage will be repaired, believe me, but the repairing process starts from you and getting your strength and selfconfidence back won't be easy but it's not impossible.

You'll love and you'll be loved again, in a healthier way Happy Birthday unafemina! xxxx

Post edited by: MerlinScot, at: 02/14/2012 04:18 AM

Hang in there Unafemina....many if not all of us have been in your shoes at one point or another....very very sadly familiar to us...and we are on our way out....yes! as unreal as it may now feel for you, it can be done!...and you are already showing your desire of becoming healthier by expresing your feelings here...keep it up....you will feel a whole lot better....there is a way out and hope for you......call the domestic hotline, it helps me a whole lot.....

Oh, it's just getting worse.. I cannot go no contact because I am living in the midst of it. Since the big blowup last April I have not been able to go back to being my old self. I could not bring myself to look past things. Then I began to think about all of the behaviors and sexual demands that were put on me, making me hate sex and be afraid of it. I just could not bear his anger anymore over sex. So I shut down. I couldn't help it. I am beginning to believe that I am losing my mind. I have no feelings. I feel numb. I don't know how to answer him when he asks me what I want. I just want him to be happy. I don't feel like my happiness matters because I don't feel like I can ever be happy. On Valentines day my husband was angry with me because I couldn't put in a tiny ounce of effort into making it a special day. I have not put any effort toward our relationship since last March or April. In his mind, I've not put an ounce of effort for 16 years. It's always the same thing. Well now I feel like I have nothing to give. I am empty. Completely empty. and worthless. completely worthless. Last night he told me that he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't take anymore of my selfish and ungiving ways. He is doing everything. He got me many cards and spent lots of money on me, buying me flowers and other things. I got him zero, nothing. I gave nothing of myself. I admit it, I am 100% guilty for not being giving. I don't have any capacity. I am empty. Last night he said he couldn't live without me and wanted to have sex. He was upset that he can feel my tension and fear of sex. He is upset with me. I can't explain it or control it. I am so messed up!!!! We ended up having sex anyway. He asked me if I felt violated, which I didn't because I was the one who agreed. But I don't feel any better. I still feel empty and sad and lonely and EMPTY. My only choice is to give up my needs. I have to give up my needs, whatever they are, and tend to his. That is my only choice. Why am I so scared??? Why does this scare me so much? He told me that what upsets him the most is that he backs me 100% in everything I want to do and that if I am choosing not to do something, I am making it up and putting it on him. He tells me, "Don't put that on me. You can choose what you do with your time." Maybe he is right. He hasn't said I am crazy, but I do feel crazy. I am beginning to think he is right!! He is not abusive. I am the abusive and ungiving one. I am so screwed up. I don't know how to manage. No contact is not an option. I am here and I have to change. I have to be happy for him, but I can't be happy. Thanks for letting me ramble. That is all this is - rambling.

unafemina,I'm sorry you are feeling so confused right now.That comes from being under the influence of an abusers manipulation.It is okay to feel whatever you feel.Being abused is scary.No contact is scary.Change is scary.But you are strong.When you are ready you will make the changes you need to make and we will be here to support then too.You are NOT crazy.He IS abusive and your needs DO matter.Deep down in your heart and soul you know that is true.Just because he is nice some of the time does not mean that it is okay that he abuses you.You deserve better than that.Your feelings matter.Your needs matter.Believe that because it's the truth.

HUGS.Lanna

Giving up your needs SHOULD be scary because that's giving up you as a person! Once you give up your needs, you become a robot, like a Stepford wife. I know I sound like a broken record on this, but PLEASE call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline to talk. Their number is 1-800-799-7233. I guarantee you that you will feel 1000% better after you talk to them. You can call them 24/7 and your call is completely confidential. No one will take any information from you.