Emotional Abuse Support Group

Things are really rough right now. I've fallen into a deep depression and can't get out. My husband wants me to snap out of it. We talked about divorce again and all I could do was sob. He told me that all I had to do was show him I loved him. He said, "Name one effort you made over the last six months to show me you love me." I couldn't name one. He had me on that. I feel so awful. I know I need counseling because I am turning into a depressive mental case now. All I seem to be able to do is cry. My husband has been sweet. He's been supportive in the sense that he hasn't been pressuring me for sex. He said he is doing everything he possibly can, but I am not making a single effort. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I am in the wrong place. Maybe he is not an emotional abuser, but I am just a depressive mental case. He is discouraged about the business and is looking at shutting it down. With no employment, I have no idea what we'll do. I'm so scared -- no, terrified--right now. I feel responsible for our failing marriage. I don't know how to show love. I told him that I just don't know what to do, how to change. He told me to read a book to learn. I hope you don't mind me coming here and venting some more. I already know I need counseling, but this is the only outlet I have right now - an Internet forum. Thanks for listening..

Unafemina, you know deep in your heart that he is not right and you are.....keep in contact with your inner self......don't loose yourself in believing the way of life that he has....you know he is wrong....yet you are not ready to depart from his side...and I completely remember when I was in your shoes......you will find your own peace...I did so you will too.....what I suggest and I use to do.....pretend you understand him without loosing yourself in the process.....learn to be hypocritical.......there is no way that he will ever understand you....so do not try to convince him of the way of life that you know better......play his game, make up but really make up something that would show that you love him.....like you made the bed for him to feel comfortable.....you bought the toilet paper that he likes with him in mind eventhough there was a cheaper but no quality he would like.....stuff like that very very basic....and exagerate your doings in a manner that shows that you are thinking of him every single mili second of your day....and he will buy it....mine did the same......and it worked......but at all times, know that you are right and he is wrong...things will go back to normal and the divorse subject will discipate......don't panic and fall in his trap to terrorize you....I know I have been in your shoes.....keep it up and posting here....this is where I see lots of hopes for you....because you are willing to talk about it....that is your healthy side......if therapy is not an option right now.....read Why Does He Do That?...that in itself is pure therapy!....I am finding that it is sometimes more helpful and I mean it that going to therapy where there are conflicted ideologies of abusers nature, etc........

Keep it up girl!.....I am on the other end.....routing for you!......

Hugs,

Patricia

Post edited by: p92868, at: 02/01/2012 09:41 PM

Hang in there. It is so hard....they are so very persuasive. I too thought I was the 'crazy' one, for years. No longer. I don't judge, though...it's such a difficult spot, and can take years. Visit this forum as much as you need/want, I'd say! We're on your side!

Autumn

Honey, PLEASE get counseling! I don't know what you are afraid of, but you will be so happy when you finally do. Call your local domestic abuse shelter tomorrow and find out what counseling resources they have to offer.

Patricia is right. You know in your heart that something is wrong with him otherwise you would never have sought out an abuse support board. That's your inner GPS still working. It's trying to guide you.

Telling someone who is depressed to basically read a book and snap out of it is insulting. How is he showing you his love? By judging you? By belittling your feelings? By caring about you? By blaming you for the problems in your marriage? I don't see any evidence of that.

I always thought it was so hilarious when my abuser would comment on my lack of feelings for him. Never once did he ask WHY my feelings for him and our marriage had changed. Never once did he consider that he might have been the cause of it. Oh no. He didn't want to go down THAT road.

Meg1129, you make me laugh sometimes.....of course abusers, I believe, know they are abusing...and they do not want to go down with their own behaviour when the opportunity to communicate arises....and that is why they dominate the conversations and cut us off......I do believe they know they are doing wrong but will never never admit to it as this is a right that they have, the right to abuse......aaaahh!!!

Hug,

Patricia

I think they know they are doing wrong too and that's why they don't abuse everyone in their lives (most of them anyway) like their bosses, their parents, their co-workers, etc. That's also why they can suddenly snap out of it when the police show up. However, Bancroft says in his book that they more or less believe that the ends justify the means and they believe that with every fiber of their being.

unafemina, his behavior is downright insulting and apalling. Telling a depressed person to snap out of it? That's completely ridiculous and shows a complete lack of compassion, understanding and respect for what you're going through. In fact it doesn't seem like he feels any compassion or pain that you're depressed at all.. he just seems annoyed and angry! Even if a total stranger on the street walked up to me and said "I've been so depressed lately, I can't stop crying and I don't know why..." A total stranger, that I know nothing about and care nothing about, I would still offer kind words, compassion, and maybe even try to lead them towards counseling. This man is supposed to be a loving husband and he won't offer you the common courtesy that I'd lend a stranger!

Accepting that someone who claims to "love" you is actually abusing you is incredibly painful, but it is a big Truth Pill that can help you make sense of it all. If we don't accept and identify him as an abuser, our minds have to draw its own conclusions as to why we feel so terrible and try to make sense of it all... because it doesn't make sense. Abuse doesn't make sense. If we can't see the abuse, we turn all that unhappiness inwards and try to blame ourselves just to try to make it logical (plus this is generally what our abusers tell us to think/feel in direct and indirect ways). This is a coping mechanism, but it simply isn't true.

Unafemina, you REALLY need to contact your local domestic violence shelter and get some counseling ASAP. I also think you SHOULD do some reading, but don't take your abuser's advice on what to read... his motivation is not to help you and that's pretty clear. Have you read Why Does He Do That by Bancroft yet? Be sure to check your local library and ask about inter-library loans if money is a problem. Hide the book from him, and read it as much as you can (sometimes it's hard to read more than a few pages at a time, and that's okay! It truly is medicine for someone in your situation and sometimes it's hard to take the medicine we need.)

Unafemina,

I too suffer from depression, however I have learned that my depression is a result of the abuse. My husband also thinks I can just "snap" out of it. He also thinks his own mother who also suffers from depression can just "snap" out of it. you wrote: I told him that I just don't know what to do, how to change. Please don't think that any of this is your fault. Coming here has helped me too and yes the book by Bancroft is really opening my eyes. I would really recommend reading it as well. It is amazing how coming on here and the book can make you feel like you are not alone. Hugs to you~

That is what riddles me...they are asking us to show them and prove to them that we love them enough.How much attention and affection do they need when they dont give it in return?We have to love them unconditionally and yet we are judged for everything we do.

I just stopped doing as much and trying to please a long time ago.

Oh! I forgot to respond to something else!

When he asked what you had done to show him you love him? Um, how about sticking around even when he is abusive?

How about still being there for him even when he:

- Does nothing but put you down and damage your self-esteem?

- Pressured you for sex over and over again?

- Punished you with silent treatment when you try to take care of yourself?

- Made you feel guilty just for looking out for yourself?

- Blamed you for your relationship problems even when you did nothing wrong?

The list goes on forever... you have endured a lot of abuse, and the fact that you stuck around shows that you have cared about this relationship and you invested a lot (and lost a lot of yourself in the process). Honestly, he is lucky you didn't leave sooner! He has put you through hell, and then has the nerve to ask what you've done to show him you love him? Makes me want to give him a punch to the jaw!