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01/07/2012 07:53 AM

low sex drive...

unafemina

My husband has acknowledged his demands for sex. He said he was considering a vasectomy. I did not think much of it then, but I woke up this morning with the thought in my mind - the vasectomy is not for me (I can't have kids) and it is probably not to lower his sex drive. Maybe it would be for HIM to be more promiscuous without having the worry of getting some woman pregnant! It was like a light bulb went off, and I thought, "why didn't that enter my mind before?"

Sometimes when I have these random moments, it is because of my intuition.

edited to add: His reason for getting one was to make him less sexually demanding!

At this point, it seems like another woman would only make it easier for me to leave, because then he wouldn't threaten to kill himself.

Post edited by: unafemina, at: 01/07/2012 07:54 AM

Post edited by: unafemina, at: 01/07/2012 08:08 AM

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01/07/2012 08:19 AM
Rudag
Rudag  
Posts: 22
New Member

You are 100% correct.

Taken from vasectomy.com

Will my sex life be affected?

A vasectomy only blocks sperm and does not affect your sexual drive, your ability to have an erection, orgasm or ejaculation or your ability to have and enjoy sex. Sperm is only a small fraction of the total liquid in your semen. The amount of fluid, intensity - even color and texture - does not appear to change when sperm is absent. Male hormones continue in the bloodstream, and secondary characteristics (such as beard or voice) do not change. Some couples say their relationship is improved by not having to worry about contraceptive techniques or unplanned pregnancy.

Read more: http://www.vasectomy.com/ArticleDetail.asp?siteid=V& ArticleId=4#ixzz1in2rwHBa


01/07/2012 08:40 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14598
Group Leader

I think your intuition is right. I have been with men with vasectomies and their sex drives were still very strong.

01/07/2012 09:16 AM
SetmeFree
SetmeFree  
Posts: 400
Member

as far as being easier to leave if he finds someone new....

mine was still threatening to kill himself 3 weeks before the day I asked for the divorce...and that was with the other woman being solidly in the picture for 4 years. Guess what happened? He just moved out...no suicide attempts...he just adjusted the ways in which he controls/abuses me from a distance. He is letting his business fail in order to manipulate child support/alimony orders...it is amazing to watch especially considering he was signing over entire paychecks to his 1st wife when we first got together to prove to the world that he took care of his responsibilities above and beyond...total 180 from 11-12 years ago.

I too thought the other woman was my ticket out of there especially since she welcomed the physical abuse under the guise of kink...he continued to abuse me and even got more violent/bold...


01/07/2012 12:16 PM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4957
Group Leader

Suicide threats are definitely Abuse 101 and are generally simply empty threats (even if they aren't empty though, it is not not his right to put that responsibility on your shoulders.) This is simply another method of control and nothing more.

Unfortunately I've heard a lot of abusers manipulate their finances for control. My husband's father did the same thing to his mother when she left him (he actually put himself into poverty just because he didn't want her to get child support and admitted it!)

When I was with an abusive boyfriend, I felt confident that eventually he would find another woman and leave me (or at least leave me when I was moving away for a bit)... he cheated on me numerous times that I know of, but he always knew that I would put up with his crap and he wasn't about to lose his emotional punching bag. Remember the list that Meg posted about benefits of being an abuser? There are just too many good things in it for an abuser to ever make him leave or let you go easily. Remember: he doesn't care about you, he cares about CONTROLLING you above all else. Just because you want to leave or that he has other women to fool around with doesn't make his desire for control any less prevalent.

Nothing makes leaving an abuser easier, except maybe understanding the nature of his abuse and what it costs you.


01/07/2012 02:00 PM
Rudag
Rudag  
Posts: 22
New Member

The other woman is never a ticket out and he is not looking to replace you with her.

Abuse does not end by itself.

Abuse is how he gets what he wants.

The other woman is another way in which he exerts his control over you. Sex wasn't the reason for him cheating. The other woman was probably abused by him as well. She was a pawn in his efforts in humiliating you.

The reason he cheated is the same reason he continues to abuse, he gets his pleasure from watching you in torment. It makes him feel better about himself, its the only way he can feel better. The more he can make you suffer, the better it makes him feel. He will do whatever he can just to see you in agony. It is twisted and it is sick. He wants you broken on every level so he can have total control over you.

Your abuser needs you.

He needs for you to suffer.

Your suffering is the only thing that comforts him.

Seek your own comfort.


01/07/2012 03:46 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14598
Group Leader

Abusers cheat for two reasons - a sense of entitlement and a low opinion of women. According to Bancroft, "they are incapable of taking women seriously as human beings rather than as playthings." (Page 93 - "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft)

In the above book (which, BTW, is our group bible), Bancroft states the following:

"Before I take you through the details and subtleties of how abusive men typically approach a range of sexual issues, I want to emphasize the underpinnings of the sexual mentality of many abusers, the foundation that often supports the rest of the structure:

1. IT'S FOR HIM - The abuser's orientation toward sex is likely to be self-involved. Sex to him is primarily about meeting HIS needs. He may put some effort into creating pleasure for his partner, but probably not because her satisfaction, or sharing a mutual experience, is important to him. He is invested in having her reach orgasm so that he can see himself as a great lover. ... Of course, any lover gets some pride out of bringing pleasure to a partner. But to many abusive men, that's the ONLY reason why the woman's satisfaction matters. Everything refers back to him. ...

2. SHE OWES HIM SEX - My clients commonly believe that a women gives up her right to decline sex once she becomes seriously involved with a man. It's her responsibility to have sex with him to make him feel loved, to meet his sexual needs or simply because that's her job. ... A majority of my clients seem to believe that the woman loses her right to refuse him if the man determines that it has been 'too long' since they have had sex. The definition of how many days without sex is too many differs for each abuser, but he watches his internal clock and expects access when the alarm goes off. Her decision not to have sex may be respected up to that moment, but then his entitlement tends to take over. ...

3. SEX IS A WAY TO ESTABLISH POWER AND DOMINANCE - ... One quarter or more of my clients cheat on their partners repeatedly. These men seem to get excitement from establishing their power over women in general, by demonstrating their ability to get sexual access. An abuser may get all this sex by creating an image of himself as a stupendous lover, by telling woman after woman that he is in love with her and that he is planning to leave his partner for her 'as soon as I can break the news to her, but I just need a little time to let her down easy'; by using drugs or alcohol to impair a woman's ability to resist, or by force and intimidation. This man is heavily focused on 'scoring,' and the actual effect he has on the lives of these women, from broken promises to sexually transmitted infections, never seems to hit home for him.

Sexual access to lots of different women may not only make him feel powerful vis-a-vis women but also in relation to other men. If he feels competitive with men, he can demonstrate his superiority by having more notches in his belt, 'bagging' women like deer. He may surround himself with men who share his view that high status in the pecking order accrues to those who can control or exploit the most women. ...

4. HE SEES HER AS A SEX OBJECT - An abuser who exhibits any one of the sexual attitudes described above - or all three - has to distance himself from his partner's thoughts and feelings in order to avoid guilty feelings about how he is using and wounding her sexually. One way he may do this is by seeing his partner as a sex object, as if she were a pornographic photo rather than a person, devoid of emotions or ambitions, free of any need for personal integrity or safety. This style of abusive man looks at his partner as a machine to be used for his sexual use. ..."

I've known many abuse victims whose abusers cheated and they too were surprised he didn't take the opportunity to leave their marriages. Each and every time, it seemed like the abuser was way more invested in his public image and was afraid of being divorced due to economic reasons. They didn't want to be seen as a cheater and blamed for breaking up the marriage. They wanted their friends and family to see them as the victim. The abusive husband of one of my friends, when caught cheating red-handed, actually confessed to have had 14 affairs during the course of their marriage. She promptly moved to divorce him, which he fought tooth and nail. He then did absolutely everything he could think of to dig up dirt on her or catch her doing something so that he could proclaim to all their family and friends that it was actually HER behaviour that caused the break-up of their marriage and that what she was doing was so much worse and injurious to him than the few affairs he had.

Also, as many abuse victims already know, abusers don't want to leave their abusive marriages. They know they are going to be hammered in divorce court with child support, alimony and the division of assets. Being as selfish and self-centered as abusers are, money and possessions are their god. The few abusers I know of who initiated their divorces or at least asked for them came back later to try to work things out and save their marriages, declaring their true love for their victims and how they can't live without them. Yeah, or maybe they just found out how much they are going to lose in the divorce.

All abusers like to throw around threats of taking the children and leaving their spouses penniless if they were to get a divorce which shows their complete ignorance of the law and their self-centeredness. It usually comes as a huge shock when they find out how much THEY will lose and how much they will be responsible for. Abusers don't place any value on their victims and they can't imagine anyone else valuing them either. They think everyone thinks the way they do. That's why they believe the laws are in their favor.

Post edited by: Meg1129, at: 01/07/2012 03:47 PM

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