Emotional Abuse Support Group

Last night my kids were playing up, I guess they are excited about christmas,but by the ages of 14 and 18 you would think they would calm down a bit, they were shreaking and riling like 5 year olds

I went upstairs to ask them to stop, I dont think I really raised my voice let alone shouted at them, I just told them, "look I have had a really stressfull day at work and I just want to have a quiet evening" they said sorry and stopped.

When I went downstairs again was when it started, she had been listening

The 1st thing was 'why is it always about you, YOU have had a hard day at work, what about me' then it was a 30 minute rant about what a terrible person I was, how I was really self centered and never did anything for anyone else, all I cared about was work etc etc.

I really don't think I did anything wrong and I know that a normal wife wouldn't have any problems with me saying that. I know that I am not that bad a person, though I am far from perfect and I always help other people whenever I can.

The work thing comes down to her control freakery, she hates the fact that there are things I have to do in the day that are not for her and especially that sometimes I have to work after my finishing time ( time for which I am paid overtime incidently)

then later in the evening she had the cheek to complain that I rarely ever started a conversation with her, I don't think thats really surprising.

John, I agree with you that she seems like a selfish person that can't stand for the attention to be on anybody except herself. Another thing I noticed though is that appears that you standing up for yourself and asserting your parental authority really set her off.

Of course you know by now that she will find any and every reason to blame you for whatever. Please understand that you could be father-of-the-year and she would still find something to complain about. It isn't you, it's her.... and I think you know that will never change.

Please remember that this is NOT you causing the problem... you're not the abusive one here. Have you thought anymore about the future with her?

Oh John, of course you did nothing wrong. If what you did was wrong, then millions of other parents are wrong too because everyone has told their kids to keep it down at least once. What Scheff said about her being set off by you standing up for yourself hit me too. She is very self-centered and controlling and by standing up for yourself, you are refusing to be a non-entity in your own home. This reminds me of something Bancroft wrote on his website. I pasted it below and I changed the genders to apply to the situation.

"Undermining the father’s authority: Domestic abuse is inherently destructive to paternal authority because the abuser’s verbal abuse and violence provide a model for children of contemptuous and aggressive behavior toward their father. The predictable result, confirmed by many studies, is that children of abused men have increased rates of violence and disobedience toward their fathers. Some abused fathers make reports of being prevented from picking up a crying infant or from assisting a frightened or injured child and of being barred from providing other basic physical, emotional, or even medical care. Interference of this kind can cause the children to feel that their father does not care about them or is unreliable. The abuser may reinforce those feelings by verbally conditioning the children through statements such as, “Your father doesn’t love you,” or, “Dad only cares about himself.” "

With your kids getting older now, have you thought more about leaving? I know you were thinking of separating at one time.

well as to the future who knows, I am hopeful that in a couple of years the kids will have grown up and financially it will be easier.

I know that it isn't me with the problems, it is definately her. I just try to ignore it till I am free to act

Hugs, John. Reading your post I am reminded of one of my brothers. He is in the middle of ending it after 23 years, but has hesitated because of one child still in school. He's been miserable. He can't do anything right...

John, is it the kids that are keeping you there or are there other fears at work? I only ask because I remember being the kid in that situation, and trust me, it's no picnic. My parents hated each other and my mother basically treated my father like vermin when I was very young. It was so obvious that they hated being around one another and yet my father kept saying "well I have to stay here until you are done with high school." At one point when I was old enough to figure out what was going on, I even begged him to move out and to take me with him, but he still insisted that we had to stay (made up some silly reasons about not wanting to pull me out of school... later I found out they were just excuses because he was scared, but now he blames me for 'forcing him to stay in a miserable home.')

In my house, I know that it would have been difficult to pick up and move and there was a very slim possibility that I would have to change schools senior year (but compared to the abusive household I was living in? I would have welcomed it) Yes, there would have been a lot of awkwardness and inconvienence, but staying in that house? It was toxic. I didn't really understand it then, but all I knew is that it wasn't pleasant and my home wasn't a warm and loving place.

I know there is a lot to think about especially when children are involved, and of course the most important thing is that you take all the time you need to gain strength, resolve, and clarity about the situation. It's always a terrifying process, but I don't mean to rush... I'm simply hoping that hearing the other side of the situation might be helpful to you.

The bottom line here is that I think that getting out of a toxic relationship would actually benefit the kids in the long run (however there is certainly a lot of difficulty to take care of in the process). Keep in mind that the example that parents set definitely transfers to the children, so even if they do not appear to be abused, they are asorbing the abuse nevertheless.

If you do not feel ready to separate right now, that's fine! You can act when you are READY to act... all I'm asking is that you make certain that you are not using the children as an excuse to delay your own happiness and the health of the children.

Oh John, I'm sorry. If a non-abusive person needed to let you know they were overwhelmed they would tell you respectfully and communicate it to you...but to her...you aren't worth communicating with. You're supposed to read her mind and then she feels she can punish you for not doing that. I'm sorry. Are you doing anything nice for yourself for Christmas?

Don't give up.

Hugs, John.

Post edited by: NaniCam, at: 12/22/2011 12:48 PM

John, go buy yourself a new shirt tomorrow!

now thats not a bad idea