Emotional Abuse Support Group

I have been working overtime trying to figure out how to get as far away from this city as I can. I have said before, I don't want to see or hear from my ex ever. I want to start a new life somewhere that I don't run the risk of running into him. Since we left he has only left one voice mail that I didn't listen to and there have been no problems. He hasn't asked us to comeback and he hasn't tried to see his son. So this morning, I asked myself why are you really trying so hard to move. It is fear. I am afraid of facing him at Wal-mart or passing him in my car. I don't want to deal with him at all. I don't know how I would feel or what emotions would come up (anger, jealousy, resentment) if I saw him. I fear his harrassment, him calling me names and embarrassing me in public. So to make that go away. I shop early in the morning. I come to work early and park in a differnt place and walk to work. I am living in the shadows all to keep from seeing him. He is still controlling my life. I feel that the only way to get completely free is to move. Leave my job and start over at zero and hope to find a new job and housing and stability for my children...or I can just get up and live normally where I am and keep my job and rebuild my life where I have support (which makes more sense), but I just can't get past not wanting to see him. I just want to forget he exsists...and I fear that is causing me to make a foolish choice and bringing more hardship on myself and the kids. I have applied for jobs in the city where I want to live, but no response so far. I have a little money saved, which won't go far if I am not employed. Staying in this city is like a thorn in my flesh. I feel if I could just leave this all behind I would feel better. I don't know if my fear of him is more in my mind than a reality. I just don't want to make another mistake. My kids have been through enough.

I think what you are feeling is very normal. I remember feeling that way too after I left. Have you ever read the book, "It's My Life Now" by Meg Dugan Kennedy? I don't have time to get a link for you from Amazon, but Bancroft highly recommends it for getting your life back together after leaving an abuser. Will be on again later and I'll get the link for you then.

Broken72,

I feel the same way in a way......

..When I know that the abuser is in town, he resides in another state now but does have another house here and does come often for leasure as he has most of friends and parents here too, where I live and where we met....and I know that he was in the area....the follwing days to my being aware that he was in town..

..I was so alert to the cars that he drives afraid that he may come to my place...and when I was driving on the roads I could see cars that look like the ones that he drives anticipating and preparing to seeing his face, etc......it was weird!...

..I am kinda lucky he does not live permanently in my area....yet I am aware that if he were to decide to come my way, he will....and I would be afraid to see him...I am afraid of loosing my power to decide to not want him and not be able or strong enough to reject him and afraid of being talked down, etc. etc. etc.......this is why I think it is very very important to gain some space of separation where I can regain confidence and strenght (that he had broken through) to empower me and assure me that I can be my own whole self and that would never ever give into the illusion of coming to the hands of the abuser..

..it is as if when we were involved with the abuser, we knew subconciously that he was an abuser yet we gave into it with the idea that with our love he would change....and I would be afraid to give into that idea illusion again....this is why time is of scense....I find as time passes and I wake up in the morning and I have friends like the kind people from this website....I am right, I am strong.....I will be just fine.....

I wouldnt make a big chance in my life of moving away based on the abuser, if I were to move I would do it because I feel like doing it for myself not based on fear.....granted that if the abuser is causing me harm to the extend I would consider needed to move out I would not hesitate an instant and highly respect my decision and I would move away too!

Were we as ladies, mostly, given the task when came to this earth to be the healers where we would be incharge of making peace and with our nurturing powers get confused and fall into the path of helping abusers? I find this interesting concept that I tap with my soul....I think this is where our strength gets missused and confuses us that have a vety powerful sense or nurturing and willing to help anyone, even if this means to sacrifies ourselves, like a mother to child does instinctively...

I believe that if we recognize the flaw of this practice we will be able to unknot the hook and release the problem...I plan to visualize this so that I can apply it to myself.....I am powerful and I choose who I help and have fun with this power....I am important and I deserve to be treated fairly, just like I treat other and perhaps even better...and then I will florish to become even better....this is what I experienced back when I was married to my ex husband....but this is another interesting story where abuse was not a factor.......

Hug,

Patricia

Post edited by: p92868, at: 11/18/2011 11:45 AM

Post edited by: p92868, at: 11/18/2011 11:59 AM

Oh Broken! I feel your anxiety. How long have you been seperated? It sounds like its still pretty new. It was like that for me, especially right after I first left. I wanted to take my daughter with me and got to Memphis to be with my mother..but I couldn't, cause I had one month to go to finish my bachelors degree in Finance from UTA. I was so scared after I left him that I was going to run into him too. He knew what parking lot I parked in, what time I went to school and what my car looked like...duh cause I lived with him for so two and a half years. They get good at stalking our habits.

He admitted to me after I finally did talk to him that he almost did come looking for me at the school. I was also scared because I had night classes...not that many people in the parking lot at night...so I did what you are doing. I rearranged my life. I told my professors what was going on..they all elected to letting me attend another of their classes for the last month...some even told me I didn't have to come to class as long as I turned in my homework.

In a sense, my fear of running into him ended when I graduated and I no longer had to maintain that schedule that my ex was so familiar with.

Its completely understandable what you are going through. I understand the feeling of no contact either...I've gone to the extent where if he wants to see his daughter, he has to contact my mother cause I refuse to speak to him...all he does to this day is try to manipulate me..its almost embarrassing when he does it too..like exhausting you know? I don't understand how he could not learn from his mistakes and how he could continue to use the same tactics on me over and over again after they have repeatedly not worked.

I also know what you mean about feeling like its all in your head...maybe it is..but he gave you a very good reason to feel that way, so in essence your fears are justified.

Hang in there. Keep doing what your doing...eventually you'll be okay. Do you have any family you can go to for help?