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11/06/2011 03:53 PM

Stay together... but live as roommates?

Posts: 4078
VIP Member

Well... gosh this is hard to write down... I'll skip some of the abusive details and just say that the conclusion of my husband and I's time together before he went back out of time was him being strangely nice to me- after being abusive the whole weekend.

We started talking finally - civil- eventually he starts to get a little teary-eyed, as he says "I don't think you are gonna make it"... then a little while later- he is taking me to lunch- while driving he explains he has had an idea...another "option" for me (oh, and he did say earlier in the day he was no longer going to drive my stuff to my families on the way to Vegas now- I will have to figure out how to move it myself!!! The "option" is as follows:

Move to Vegas with him and stay married so I can say on his insurance but live separated- like "roommates". He will pay for cable, internet, car payment and insurance payment, rent, I'll just have to pay for my own basics like food, shampoo etc. He has even suggested putting some of the bills in my name so I can gain some credit- oh- this is only for one, maybe two... well, maybe until the car is paid off (3 yrs atleast!)...I'd have it pretty cushy- he get's the master, but the room I would get is nice- it's a four bedroom/two bath, 2 car garage house we are obligated to rent at this time... I leave- I may be able to stay with family if they will accept my cats... or get a low income apt because I am on disability... damn does his offer sound good or what???? We could see other people but we can't bring them to that house ever... he even said we can type this up on a contract and I suggested getting it notarized and he said okay... Really... what the hell? As he was leaving tonight... he didn't rape me... but he didn't after much explanation that that would frack my head up and much "fighting" him succeed in having sex with me... I'm so scared right now... going to talk (if can get appt) to lawyer someone suggested to me- a woman who actually has bipolar disorder like I do! God I know how stupid it would be to leave with him... what the hell is in it for him right?

If I say no, I am afraid he will go hostile and "punish" me somemore... I have been reading the Bancroft book--- he found it earlier today... and said "I don't know why you are reading that book... it's over" and I said it's to avoid getting involved with another asshole like you!

ok... thanks for listening... at such a crossroads....


11/06/2011 04:11 PM
Meg1129Posts: 14597
Group Leader

Been there, done that. It was the worst mistake I'd made. He wanted to live separate lives, but the moment I agreed to it was the moment he started trying to win me back. I didn't want to go back with him. He refused to take no for an answer. He tried to make me jealous and then got furious when it didn't work.

Talk to the lawyer. Get the facts before you make any decisions.

11/06/2011 04:25 PM
Posts: 4078
VIP Member

Thanks, A friend just told me the exact same thing... I'll try to stop worrying until then...

11/07/2011 05:32 AM
Posts: 15
New Member

I know with my ex-S, when we would fight we'd say that 'lets be roommates' but lets face it. There is no being roommates with an abusive man! Mine is a pathological liar and would promise me the sun, moon and stars but never even give me a piece of grass.

What would you do if he did bring another female back to your place? I know I couldn't live like that. Then if you two are still having sex, that is just bringing mental torture and agony your way.

11/07/2011 06:41 AM
Meg1129Posts: 14597
Group Leader

Back when I was living as "roommates" with mine, I didn't care if he brought another female back. I was done with him and the prospect of unloading him on someone else was pretty darn good. That's why his ploys to make me jealous didn't work. In fact, he once invented a girlfriend and when I found out he had made her up, I was devastated and that made him furious.

Think about this though ... what if YOU met someone else? How accepting would he be of that? Probably not. You will never be able to move on while you've still got your feet (or one foot at least) planted in Abuserland.

11/07/2011 07:10 AM
Posts: 279

When I tried this, it only lasted for about one week. And he got me back into his bed quick enough. We were suppose to have our yearly party at the end of that week and he told me "lets have this one last party and pretend we are good so everyone doesnt know about our situation" I wanted to cancel it, but he convinced me it would be good to have this last event.

Well after the party, he just kept pretending like nothing was wrong and we were back to being "normal". Luckily i was already at my breaking point and was gone within a week of the party. After telling my girlfriend, she said she knew something was up because i wasnt acting at all like me... wasnt laughing or getting involved with conversations... Sorry went off topic.

All he did while i was in another room was mope around, and the house was in silence at all time... he spent his whole day in the bedroom depressed and it just made me feel more guilty and more awkward in my own house. Hense i broke down and did as he asked... yet again.

As Meg said how accepting would he be?? Not accepting at all... I told him in our last month that i had feelings for my best friend because he had been there for me through all of his crap. He said he understood why that would happen when he hurt me so much.... That he can accept that because he knows now how deep he really hurt me...

Now that i left, he used that against me and has told everyone i had been having an affair with this man for years and is now trying to make an infedelity case against me... my mistake for telling him i guess. But i did not have an affair. I dont know what that would do for him though anyways, my lawyer said even if i did have one it does nothing because we luckily do not have any children. Sad part is, my parents and sister believe him because he seems so sincere.

sorry went off topic again... Just know that it doesnt work. It sounds like a great plan financially, but is dealing with him worth any of that financial security?

11/07/2011 07:40 AM
goldie321Posts: 193

Wow, mine did the exact same thing..told me if I moved in with him, he would stay out of my way and I wouldn't have to work. It was tempting because it was hard to live alone right after I left. I got lonely a lot and had financial trouble.

But I remembered before we got married he made all kinds of pretty promises of taking care of me...then started mooching off me and making me take care of him all the cannot believe an abuser, no matter how convincing he is. He'll say anything to bring you back, and probably loves the idea of keeping a closer eye on you, to control you better. How could you have any real sense of privacy, too. Mine read my journal and went through my purse even though I was adament he was never allowed in either of those places.They don't care about other's boundaries.

Also, by moving in you will stay attached to him instead of grieving and healing from the loss, so you can really move on and be free from him.

I think it's best to avoid all abusive people in daily life everywhere, man or woman, since they use whomever they can, and have no problem wreaking havoc on your life when it serves their own purposes.

That's my know your situation best


11/07/2011 08:10 AM
Posts: 2697
Senior Member


I remember my ex boyfriend (of 2.5 years) telling me, towards the end, when he knew I was very upset and ready to breakup period of time (as I had stated when he had asked me if we were still traveling to Mexico due to we were not talking and I had replied that this would be a great opportunity to relax and deal and settled in peace that our relationship was not working out and to sort of be friends), that he knew that I did not deserve to be hurt (implying he knew he had hurt me)

.......he also said he does not love himself and therefore, he could not love me...

and that I had come to his life at an inconvenient time, that he was not ready to get involved

....that our disagreements were basically his not being ready to get involved with all the bancarupcy his grandfather's company had just gone through and it was not all my fault but just a little part my fault.

And, later on he also said that I should be fine (sort of implied after we were to break up?) if I was fine and happy before I had met him.

It made me feel soooo sad, it put him on the control seat as if he knew what he was talking about and to an extend he confused me and made me feel for real that finally, he was making sense, he understood this (because I was ready to break up and deal as painful as this was with our break up)

but now I wonder if this was just one more way for his sake of being in control of me and our situation and to manage to hurt and torture me just a little more because deep inside me I was ready yet still reluctant to let him go at that instant (due to we were in Mexico and I could not see us breaking up in a foreign land; was afraid of him being even more cruel to me and ruin what I thought we could use this one week to deal and accept that this relationship was not going to work out which at the end it worked out for this purpose for me).

In addition, he had managed to convince me to have sex because I was so much different than the other girls and he did want a relationship (this is a revelation to me! so he did say he wanted it and I have not forced the relationship onto him! yei!!! Smile)......discusting!

I guess he manipulated me to rape me....Uau!

Also, this is very weird and yet funny....during this last trip and perhaps 30 days at most of our official break night we went out for dinner and I found myself in a comfortable position to ask him "do you know how many women would like to be in my shoes and be with you?".....he immediately finished his saki shot and left me at the restaurant! no reply, no warning!

I thought "what did I say?" "how am I going to pay now?!"....thank godness, we were in one of the five restaurants of the group of condominiums we were staying and I could bill our room

....I felt punished and very weird, abandoned without being ready to be on my own...(I think it was after this incident that he had the conversation with me about my being OK after we were to be on our own separate ways)

....and so I walked back to our room, thank godness I remember how to get back (it had been the second night perhaps that we were in the area) and I found him out in the balcony talking on the cell phone; he was went to sleep by myself to the bedroom

...the next morning woke up to find him in the sofa and went to talk with him, we were not going to spend 5 more days in Mexico this way

....this is were he dropped the last red flag

....after I insisted we talk (typical behaviour of him not wanting to do anything about making up so at least we were in good terms)

....he told me two things, first that I had said last night and I quote "you are a rock start that likes to get his dick sucked"

....I was perplexed! to say the least, this is not my vocabulary or way to express myself or what I had said at all!

......then a bit later same conversation said that JF i DID NOT GET OFF HIM (I was not on top of him, I was sat on the edge of the sofa since he was laying down) that HE WOULD HIT ME!

.....I was more than perplexed this time....I told him..."what? did you say you are going to hit me?"

this is when the light bulb went off and realized that I had been told without knowing I was being abused that he was going to go violent, something I could have not believe had I not heard it from his own mouth

....I stood up and then later on he played it lets hurry up else we are going to loose the day and we can still go out fishing or some other activity we could still do.

I need to share this in writing a heal this wound, I feel sometimes that perhaps what he says sort of pretend that he was with me, he helped me, he told me about the job near by his house because someone had to help me find a job and he says, I had to start making money because my unemployment was coming to an end and not because he wanted me to continue our relationship or living permanently or officially together.

I believe that this is the facade that he is displaying to our soccer group of friends which whom I have no contact until or when I feel ready and honestly I don't have time or desire for now to see.

The conversation before the last one, he did suggested to be roommates, that he did not have anyone in particular in his mind now to bring to the house or to his boat but that this could happen and it is when I said yes I understand that if I were to move in with you, one of the scenarios would be that you could even be having sex in your bedroom and I would be in felt so perversive!

yet he was managing to hurt me one last time and torture me.....ahhhh! yet I think he was surprised I could talk and deal about this idea and I think he did not like it.

How dreadful and awful; I want never to feel like this ever again.

In a strange way, it is nice to know that there are parallels to my story because the abuser made me believe that he was with me because I kind of forced him to be with me as if he was too important to be with someone like me

....ha, ha, ha, sick as this sounds it is sad to acknowledge that I am tempted to believe him; must be my familiarity to my low self steam; I hate to feel this low, this way...and up I shall go again.



Post edited by: p92868, at: 11/07/2011 08:16 AMAngry

Post edited by: p92868, at: 11/07/2011 08:42 AM

11/07/2011 09:10 AM
Posts: 4957
Group Leader

I would be VERY wary about accepting money/gifts/benefits from him... it will likely only serve to be used against you the moment you try to do something he doesn't like (such as move on with your life and get out from under his thumb!). Abusers are manipulators. Sometimes it looks like they are being nice and reasonable people or even generous and gracious but it is almost always coming from a much bigger plan to control you down the road. It sounds like a conspiracy but sadly it seems to be true more often than not.

11/07/2011 09:35 AM
Posts: 279

Trust me they will say or do ANYTHING to keep you.

Mine even told me that i could go out on wednesday nights with this other guy and do anything i wanted with him and he wouldnt ask questions, as long it was only on that night between this time and that time...My jaw dropped. A) this was not a secual thing and Cool who let their wife do that and C) IF i did, what would i really come home to?? no thank you!

All that did was make sure on wednesdays i was at the house no matter what so he would KNOW i wasnt up to anything... now i see it as even more control, as he knew i wouldnt actually do anything... still baffles me though...


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