Emotional Abuse Support Group

Ways Abusers Stage Their Return Into Your Life:

He will threaten you,stalk and harrass you.Barrage you with phone calls,e-mails,texts,show up unannounced wherever you happen to be etc.When that doesn't work he will ................

Turn on the charm and promise to change.Apologize,bring you flowers,tell you how much he loves you.When that doesn't work he will..................

Find religion.Start going to church.Tell you that good women submit to men.Tell you that you have to forgive him and give him another chance.When that doesn't work he will...............

Threaten to kill himself.Tell you that he cannot go on without you.When that doesn't work he will............................

Threaten,stalk and harass you again.Call you names and tell you what a heartless Bitch you are for not taking him back.When that doesn't work he will....................................

Contact all your family,friends and co-workers and tell them what a horrible person you are and that he never abused you.When that doesn't work he will....................................

Become Father of the year.Begin taking a interest in your children and use them to manipulate you,pump them for information about you and threaten to kidnap them if you won't take him back.When that doesn't work he will..................

Tell you that the abuse was all YOUR fault.If you hadn't pushed him,argued with him,if you had followed his rules,done what you were told etc. the abuse wouldn't have happened.When that doesn't work he will.....................................

Go into therapy or "anger managment" classes

and tell you that he is going to be a changed man.Then he will manipulate the therapist and blame you for his abuse.Abusers do NOT have a problem "managing" their anger.They DO have a problem with needing to use torture and violence to control their spouses or partners.When that doesn't work he will.............................

Try to make you jealous by telling you that he is going back to his old girlfriend or ex.When that doesn't work he will .........................

Threaten to kill you if you do not talk to him or take him back.When that doesn't work he will........................

Go back to begging you to take him back and promise you that the abuse will never happen again.When that doesn't work he will............................................

Tell you that you are responsible for making his life so miserable.If you would just take him back it would all be better.When that doesn't work he will.............................

Disappear and make you wonder "Where did he go?"When that doesn't work he will.................

Tell you that if you had just done "so and so" differently or the way he wanted you to that he would never have hurt you.He will tell you that if you will just change "this and that"about yourself the abuse will stop.And the abuse might even stop temporarily.The key word here is "temporarily."It will resume again as surely as the sun will come up tomorrow.When that doesn't work he will..................................

OKAY YOU GET THE PICTURE.LIFE WITH AN ABUSER IS ALL ABOUT CONTROL.EVERY SINGLE THING HE SAYS AND DOES IS AIMED AT MANIPULATING YOU.EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS A LIE.IT IS ALL ABOUT CONTROLLING YOU.DO NOT FALL FOR AN ABUSERS GAMES.

Lanna

Post edited by: Lanna, at: 11/06/2011 03:31 AM

Post edited by: Lanna, at: 11/06/2011 03:34 AM

Post edited by: Lanna, at: 11/06/2011 03:34 AM

There is a constant cycle of anger, followed by remorse, followed by anger, etc..

Wow, this is soo true.

My ex has done all of this except the killing himself or me part. He never got quite that far... i mean i am the one missing out being wtih him right?? Well, he can think that if he wants.... i know better.

Howdy,

Mine took a more arrogant position....I was with him and I was lucky to be with him...but when it came time to go to a dinner invitation, he portrayed we had an ideal situation which by the way allowed him to feel comfortable enough to flirt (in a greater group social situation) and play the role of victim that our relationship was towards the end as if I provided a safe picture for him to get other women.

I bet it is harder now that he does not have his anger as easily discharged (on me when I was around) to deal with people in a nice guy role and will be exploting much faster with the women that he can hook on.

He did take me on trips, hikes, places, restaurants and made me feel comfortable....some times but security he never gave me...I was lucky to be with him...even people would complement me in different ways (accomplishments, simplicity, etc.) and he would feel important for the attention that he got as a consequence....

And now he does not have me...I know people will ask him and half of them will see who he really has been....they already had suspetions like for ex. he went to So Africa for the world cup, soccer, and I stayed in his house taking care of the cat.

In the meantime, he manage to meet a girl 15 years younger who invited him to stay at her uncles place (I assume with her too; she was living with her mother at a smaller house I guess)...ahh!! he lost $800.00 dollars for the hotel he paid to reserve his room and changed his mind not to stay there.....it gets better, once back in the States, he jelled at the manager for not crediting him eventhough we both had read that reservations where not refundable.

His aquaintances and our friends were at least puzzled as to why he had not taken me specially I was unemployed and we had met through playing soccer.

I get the feeling that with our common soccer friends (who I have no contact), the abuser is playing the role that I took "lot" of his money (I borrowed to buy a used vehicle) and that he really did not care about me; he had acted like this before with me and our friends too.

He told me around my break up with him that due to I was unemployed he had told me of the job near by his house (in Wyoming where I had been living previously with him; now I am in CA where we met) and someone had to help me and implying that it was not because he wanted me to live with him.

He has an arrogant attitud I simply dislike and completely reject.....tried to make me feel sooo little in so many different ways.

But I was very handy for when he felt longely, was in trouble, and had enough moneys but not the courage to have fun on his own...I was handy to have fun when nobody else was available kind of thing (I am well educated, professional, pretty, diplomatic, worldly and knowledgeable person with great personality; I simply stand out! yet in a sort of conservative way with old fashion values and fun to be with; love sports and outdoor activities).

I am sometimes trapped in I want to be with him and gain his acceptance and then I feel very little....I just need to be very patient with my self and then I do find all of my strength in what I have been able to accomplish every day....even just looking in the mirrow and see Wow! I look a lot better that what I feel....or the way people talk to me, I realize that I am helpful and have a great attitud and respect and a lot of fun to be with.

I don't know how he will come back; it has been 4 months and counting; after the first two contact over text messages the first 2 months at two different times, he has make no contact; his friend has and I have not answer back and this has stopped for now.

I want to be able to briefly anticipate his strategy so that I am prepared to not give in when he does make contact.

I know we will have to communicate at one point due to I have all my winter clothes (I asked him when I was breaking up on the phone to take care of them until I were to have the time and space to pick it up) and a vehicle that he could keep but would need change names on the title.

For now, I know my space is of atmost importance to gain my entire and infalible control of self, then later on I will go back and pick up my stuff; that is my plan for now.

Hug,

Patricia

Post edited by: p92868, at: 11/06/2011 11:37 AM

Post edited by: p92868, at: 11/06/2011 11:43 AM

Post edited by: p92868, at: 11/06/2011 11:48 AM

Patricia,

Technically he legally only has to keep your clothes for thirty days after you've vacated the premises, than he can just throw them out on the curb. I don't know what his plan is either, but you'd be smart to get someone to go with you to pick up your clothes or have someone make arrangements to go get it.

Also with the car, if he is going to keep it, you need to go on line and you need to notify them of a transfer of title. If he drives that vehicle through any tollways, these tolls can accrew and you will be responsible for them until you notify the state title board that the title has been transferred. This protects you from liability too in the event that he decides to play bumper cars with your vehicle and accidentally hurts somebody and leaves it at teh scene of the accident or something.

My ex had an accident once, with a car that he had bought but never transferred the title over into his name, and he left it at the scene of the accident and I can only imagine what happened to those people that sold us the car if they hadn't put in a title transfer notification.

You need to go get your stuff asap as well. Have someone call him and make arrangements to come get it, and make sure you have a peace/police officer there to keep the peace while you are getting your belongings in the event that he decides to stick around and not respect your boundaries.

Remember, abusers like to control and abuse and do things to hurt you directly or passive aggresively.

Please make sure if you do return to residence to retrieve your things that you call the police and request a domestic violence standby.The police will meet you somewhere near your residence and go with you to get your things.Make sure you do NOT go alone.That is VERY dangerous.Even if there has never been past physical abuse it often happens after you leave.Click on "general and support."There you will find links with black push pins in them for safety plans and the mosiac threat accessment test.Take the test and make a plan.

Lanna

Post edited by: Lanna, at: 11/06/2011 06:13 PM

With my 13 year on and off experience with my ex-S, whom was very abusive, he did every single one of those tricks in the book. And stupid me always gave in. Now I'm doing a no contact b/c of websites and forums such as these. Reaching out and finding people that have been in the same situation has helped me tremendously because I do not know 1 person that has experienced what I have experienced.

No contact is the only way imo - change your phone numbers. If he emails, put in the spam box and don't respond. If you have to respond, respond from your heart and your feelings. These bastards are all about themselves (have yet to encounter one that isn't a narcissist). It's all about me, me, ME to them so try to make it about you, you YOU. Good luck

I've been out for two months now and still dont have all my things because i dont want to have any contact with him, i cant handle it emotionally. Am i going to loose all my things then? The house is in both our names and i know i will get half the equity out of it, but my belongings inside of it, i didnt realise he had the right to get rid of them... now im wondering if i should contact him...

Madi, can you have a friend contact him and act as a go between? Maybe someone else can pick your things up for you. You should probably call the police too and ask them to stand by or park a patrol car out in front on the day you retrieve your stuff just to make sure he doesn't act up.

I am having a meeting with my lawyer sometime this week... i think i will ask them the best way to handle this. Apparently from my sister, she said he is putting my things in the garage and i am crazy for taking this long to talk to him... but then again, she also thinks i am the most horrible person ever for leaving him.. im having a hard time knowing what is true and what is just people trying to upset me.....