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10/19/2011 02:51 PM

I can't go back to the way things WERE...(page 3)

unafemina

You are right about my sons. I don't want them to model this for their marriage!

I will look at the safety plans. I want to feel stronger with more energy, but I feel so weak. I think my sons would enjoy me more if I felt happier. I don't have a full time job, so I am not self sufficient. I am going to have to figure something out. I have been praying a lot for answers, but I just feel like I am lost right now.

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10/19/2011 02:57 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14606
Group Leader

Here is something else to think about. Your husband is teaching your sons how to treat YOU. My sister's husband did the same thing to their sons through his own behaviour. I tried to warn her, but she didn't believe me. Now her sons are teenagers and they are as abusive to her (almost) as her husband is. They call her names. They laugh at her. They don't listen to her. Everything he does.

I would urge you to make an appointment or call an attorney for a consultation. Many victims get far more from their abusers in the way of property, alimony and child support than they ever got when they were married to them. Find out what the laws are in your state. Most attorneys do not charge for consultations, but ask when you call. That doesn't mean you have to leave next week or next month even. You are just getting information and filing it away. Abusers LOVE to scare their victims by threatening to take the children and leave them penniless and homeless, but abusers don't know the laws.


10/19/2011 03:06 PM
unafemina

That is encouraging. Thank you. My husband mentioned to me once, "Do you think I'd let you have the kids?" in response to when I said, "Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just not be married."

10/19/2011 03:48 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14606
Group Leader

It's not a matter of what he LETS you have. It's a matter of what you are entitled to under the law and he had nothing to do with making those laws. My girlfriend went through a very nasty divorce a few years ago where her ex threatened many times to take the kids and leave her penniless. Guess what? She got the kids, the house, alimony for 7 years, 28% of his income in child support, half of his IRA, half of his military pension, and her car. So don't believe whatever your abuser threatens you with if you leave him.

10/19/2011 06:07 PM
unafemina

Thank you, Meg. I always worried most about losing my kids.

10/19/2011 10:48 PM
mountainluv
Posts: 412
Member

Unafemina, my relationship with my husband has been very similar. He emotionally and verbally abused me for many years, though I didn't realize it was abuse. After a period of time being treated that way, I became so depressed I ended up taking antidepressants. Between birth control, antidepressants, and the way he treated me, my libido completely disappeared. I never rejected his sexual advances, but I didn't initiate sex, which caused many fights. It was like a vicious cycle. The more he hurt me, the more I pulled away. The more I pulled away, the more he hurt me. I lost all feelings for him.

I understand the overwhelming feeling of guilt. He ended up in trouble after getting drunk and shooting a gun in the house. of course he said the reason he did it was because he felt unloved. I had tried to make more of an effort to give him hugs, be more affectionate, but it wasn't because I really wanted to.

After his arrest, he started counseling, started going to church. I wanted to believe he would change. But it was too late, the feelings for him were completely gone. He begged me to let him move back in. He was living with a coworker. Then he became frustrated one day and violated the restraining order by harassing me. I had him arrested. I felt incredible guilt. This last weekend I moved into my own apartment and let him move back into the house. The guilt is still there, I worry about how he is doing, I worry that he is depressed and hurting.

When the feelings are gone, they are gone. Maybe you could look at it this way, if you stay with him, neither of you will be able to move on. He won't be motivated to get help unless you leave. You will be doing him a favor, even if he doesn't realize it at first


10/20/2011 04:31 AM
unafemina

mountainluv, that is powerful. I think your last paragraph makes sense. I have thought many times that I might do him a favor by leaving. He once told me that he gave up on being happy. One thing I told myself was that I did not want to carry the guilt for his unhappiness. He knows that being married to me is making him unhappy.

10/20/2011 07:26 AM
mountainluv
Posts: 412
Member

When my husband went to court for his sentencing, he told the judge that the reason he did what he did (getting drunk and shooting the gun) was because he was in a loveless marriage. The judge said something like this "Well, then when she filed for divorce you should have been happy to be getting out of a loveless marriage. Instead of harassing her, you should have been glad to move on"

10/20/2011 07:57 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14606
Group Leader

It's abusive to make someone else responsible for YOUR happiness. That's like saying, "Well, if you don't cook for me, I won't eat and when I starve to death, it will be all YOUR fault!" How childish, selfish and abusive.

10/20/2011 09:12 AM
unafemina

It all seems so simple when on the outside. But when in the relationship things get so muddled. As I've been allowing myself to be me, I've been trying to not give in to the guilt trips. It doesn't matter if he's feeling nice when I go to bed. In the morning, it's the same silent treatment. A thought came to me this morning. When I do leave, I can remind him that he won't have to wake up mad at me anymore.
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