Emotional Abuse Support Group

My grandma dies last week, putting a huge strain on my family right now. My husband and I are staying with my folks at the monet becaus ewe left Floridas ten percent unemployment behind us to start over where ther are more jobs. We were hungry and about to get evicted due to lack of work anyways.

We've been here a month and my husband got a job offer, but it's been two weeks and they still havent set up an orientation for him to actually start (not enough new hires) so he's literally waiting to make money, and its killing us. We're stuck in a room together all day everyday. We ran out of money, and even though Im in school, I dont get another grant funding until the end of October. I'm also waiting on unemployment. To top it off, Im waiting on disability. I was happy he got a job offer because this means I finally get benefits. I get the doctor I've longed for for 6 years. With a doc's help, I might win my disability case.

But I've had to physically stop him from leaving me three times this week.

Some of the things he has said to me have sunk me lower than hell. I'm worthless, he can't take the depression, the negativity, the misery, the tears, the anxiety (I can barely even drive now) I keep throwing myself in front of him and he yanks his clothes off the hangers to pack and leave. I've been thrown all over the place and have the bruises to prove it.

He said I hit him, which is not the truth. He tried to get out of the car at a stoplight and I grabbed his arm before he got hit by oncoming traffic. Now I'm labeld an abuser b/c I grabbed him.

Also, he says every chance he gets how he regrets marrying me, Im bad luck, he cant recall ever being happy with me, calls me a cunt, a bitch, a moron etc...

Let's see......oh, im also a rapist b/c I won't let him finish watching TV before I start initiating sexual activity. His sex drive is absolute zero, so if I don't initiate it, it does not happen. So everytime I interrupt his TV or computer time, it's "against his will"

He actually said this..."I NEVER called you a rapist, I just said you make me have sex with you against my will!!!"

I feel traumatized. I will never want sex again.

My folks and I are basically taking care of him, but the food is never right, the town is awful, the house is awful, plus he wants my money for smoking herbs and pipe garbage and candy.

I'm 18,000 in debt due to medical bills related to stress and panic because of my marriage, also credit cards because we've had no money, ever. I'm waiting to go bankrupt.

I feel mentally exhausted and emotionally void.

I love him, I love the way it was before we lost everything.

I can't let him go....I told him if he leaves I will swallow every pill I can find and end the pain. I can't be left alone here with no money and no way to see a Doctor.

He threatened to leave in the night, now I can't sleep I have to watch him all the time.

I'm lying to my parents. I tell them the swollen eyes are my allergies and the bruises are from tripping.

I have been stealing my Dad's percocet and my moms muscle relaxers and xanax to numb the pain.

Hopefully soon my money will come through and he'll start working so we'll be busy enough to not be together so much and I'll get my own drugs to numb it out.

I have to hide the disability claim from him though...he'll call me a worthless grub just living off the government like a lazy (insert racist epithat) He doesn't believe in mental illnesses, just lazy weaknesses.

That doesn't stop him from calling me a crazy bitch though, and how he can't wait to get away from me.

Ok, I am reading this and it sounds like you are being emotinally abusive by not letting him leave. You are being controlling to him. It is quite unfair to say to him that you are going to take every pill and kill yourself if he leaves. It is abusive. Now you can't do anything about his insults and emotional abuse to you, but you CAN do something about your abuse to him. If someone wants to leave, then they should be able to leave without a huge guilt trip. You are in a safe place with your parents now, and you should not hold him hostage emotionally in this manner.

Have you ever considered getting therapy for your abandonment issues? I hear you saying how absolutely miserable you are, then you say he wants to leave, and then you say he isnt' free to leave and you will do whatever to takes to keep him there with you. You think you need him, but you really, really don't. You don't NEED any man. A loving marraige should be based upon a desire to be together, not fear of leaving, or intimidation, or belittleing, or financial need or the like. And he only uses your fear of him leaving to control you. I am sure if you let him go, then he would come back anyway.

This relationship seems to be a black hole that is only gaining in strength. There are places to get counceling for a low cost. I am sure you can find the places if you look around a bit. And it is possible to find a psych doctor for a low cost too. It might take awhile before you get an appointment, but you can get help you need if you are persistant.

So now I'm abusive? Awesome, had plenty of men to teach me how. Well since I've joined they're worthless ranks, I'll take whats coming to me.

I am very sorry to hear that you lost your grandmother. Here is my take on your situation. He needs you waaaayyyy more than you need him. He reminds me of a toddler who threatens to run away from home every time he doesn't get his way, yet never gets further than the end of the block before he realizes how much he misses it. You are all under a lot of stress right now from several directions. I am curious to know what your parents think of him now that they get to see him up close and personal every day. Also, I'm not sure exactly what you need/want him for. I know you said you miss the way it was before you lost everything, but I'm not sure what that was. Has he ever been kind, supportive and not abusive outside of when he was courting you or trying to get something from you?

No, I am sorry ChillPill. I wasn't saying you are an abuser, but that your behavior is abusive. HE is an abuser. But YOU aren't. So try to avoid getting pulled into the trap of acting as an abuser. And I agree with Meg, he is being a brat and will come back if he is gone 1 hour I am sure.

It seems to me that he is getting you to act in ways that you never would otherwise. He is being non supportive and pushing your buttons. So if you are able to not participate by changing your own behavior then you would be better off for it. And I am talking about when he tries to leave and what you do when he does. That is the only thing I have seen so far that I would consider abusive behavior. At some point it seems you just have to let him go out the door. I am sure he doesn't want to leave, or he would say he was going to get groceries and not come back. But he wants to drive you nuts saying that he will leave. And also he wants you to escalate in your violence. And if someone calls the police, then unfortunately then you would be charged along with him, if you had also been violent. Or you might be sent to a psych ward for awhile for threatening to kill yourself. It just seems like he is setting you up. You don't deserve any of that.

Post edited by: Reactionary, at: 10/17/2011 05:26 PM

Yeah. I know. I have been asking myself why in the world I want it to work out. I just see my life as a lonnnnnnnnng lonely thing without him around. I have hardly any good friends, and I don't want to cry every night and listen for a phone that will not ring. If I had a job and friends, maybe I would be better set up to see him go.

I can't find a job right now, due to extreme anxiety. I can't even go to the store without looking and feeling like I'm about to freak out. Its embarrassing to think I could go into a job and not be able to hide the extreme depression and anxiety/panic attacks.

the other day after a fight I realized it was selfish of me to keep him here, just because I need him. next time (and there will be one)I'll let him go, I promise.

There is a homeless tent city not far from here, I'll even drive him there. Then I'll tell all teh homeless people "Hey, my husband lives in a nice house rent free, has food, television internet and a wife to cook and clean up, and his wife has also given him thousands during hard times and bought him a car last year, but he would rather live here with you guys" I hope the homeless would slap him silly

You know what they say ... be careful what you wish for. Maybe instead of focusing on what you can't do, you can make a list of three things that you CAN do. You don't have to run out and change your life in two days or by the end of the week. Take baby steps. Try to make one new friend. What steps would you need to take to do that? Focus on YOU, not him.