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09/13/2011 05:58 AM

Passive Aggressive/ Covert Abuse

NaniCamPosts: 288

Has anyone here had this experience?

The really nice guy who is quiet and yet has a massive emotional block....


09/13/2011 07:08 PM
Posts: 863
Senior Member

Nanicam... I haven't met a guy like this, but my mother is very good at this type of manipulation.

I do not consider my mother abusive though. I love her with all my heart, we're wonderful to each other and we get along 95 percent of the time.

Because of her up bringing, she has very passive aggressive tendencies. She grew up in a generation where she had to respect her parents and do what ever they told her to do without argument.

She's tried very hard not to pass this judgement onto me, but sometimes she cannot help it. When I argue back or I joke with her and she's in a bad mood, she'll give me this very deep sigh and roll her eyes. I'll ask her whats wrong, is there anything I can do for her, can I get her anything..anything to make her happy or to get her to talk about whats bothering her...she'll go " nothing's wrong...what ever...nothings wrong..I'm okay, really, I am...." And than what ever it is that I'm doing that is making her angry will continue for another half hour to an hour or so...and she'll freaking snap. It's crazy sometimes. LOL.

I've learned how to handle it though and how to deal with it when she gets in these moods.

I do not believe she is abusive, however she has some problems that are a result from her childhood.

There are passive aggressive abusers though...all types of abusers are a pain in the ass.

09/14/2011 04:21 AM
NaniCamPosts: 288

Thanks, nolongertrapped. I appreciate your input. My mother was the same way, only I fought back and resisted. I was the perfect target for my ex......

10/03/2011 07:34 PM
Posts: 4
New Member

Yes yes yes. Seems so appealing at first doesn't it? He's so nice, so patient he was willing to do anything I asked--at least on the surface. Really, he was sneaky and the biggest procrastinator.Yet he always appeared like he wanted to help me and work on "us". There were subtle clues that there was no "us" only me trying to satisfy his requests (demands) When it came time for him to follow through on serious promises I was like the horse chasing the carrot. Feel free to PM me. I am lucky I only endured this for one year but I learned so much.

10/04/2011 12:33 AM
NaniCamPosts: 288

I sent you a pm Freedomnow. Thank you.

10/06/2011 04:00 PM
Posts: 4
New Member

I asked a question about my situation and opened up the bible. I asked to be led to a scripture that would give me an answer to what I went through. I could not understand how someone could be so "nice" but always felt the need to control me and create covert conflict. Psalm 55 is what my hand landed on and it soothed my heart the following is an excerpt:

21 The words of his mouth were smoother than butter,

but war was in his heart:

his words were softer than oil,

yet were they drawn swords.

22 Cast thy burden upon the LORD,

and he shall sustain thee:

he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.

I am now completely at peace.

Post edited by: Freedomnow, at: 10/06/2011 04:01 PM

Post edited by: Freedomnow, at: 10/06/2011 04:03 PM

Post edited by: Freedomnow, at: 10/06/2011 04:04 PM

10/06/2011 07:52 PM
Posts: 423

Oh you practice Bibliomancy too? That is awesome! And I guess you are good at it, as I can't think of a more fitting passage. It is interesting that I prayed about the situation with my ex. It was before I figured out he was emotionally abusive. Then he called up and talked about his new girl and some other things. I was just messed up for about 3 weeks. I thought, "geez what an answer." But then I googled something he had done in the past. It led me to this website. LOL

10/07/2011 12:09 AM
NaniCamPosts: 288

After decades of unknowingly living with a covert abuser it is very difficult to go forward each day. You question everything. You think you could have changed it. You go back time and again only to see more. Sadly, most people think you are wrong because they see the facade and are not in your shoes. I know that my divorce was necessary, and yet I still question so much. God and time will have to heal my wounds. I feel like a shell of a person and miss being alive.

I hate that this happens to others, and yet, it helps to know that I am not alone.

10/07/2011 04:09 AM
Meg1129Posts: 14599
Group Leader

Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:

•Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.

•Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.

•Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.

•Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.

•Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. "Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support."

•Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.

•Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.

•Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.

•Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.

The Passive Aggressive and You:

The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist. A passive aggressive is usually attracted to co-dependents, people with low self-esteem and those who find it easy to make excuses for other's bad behaviors.

The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.

The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.

The passive aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. They don't communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner, expecting their spouse to read their mind and meet their needs. After all, if their spouse truly loved them he/she would just naturally know what they needed or wanted. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can't take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling? God forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them. Pass_Agg_2.htm

10/07/2011 05:06 AM
NaniCamPosts: 288

this is what I found when searching on the internet. It was a real eye opener, and one that I still struggle with....because he is the nicest guy in the world....

the pieces do fall together, though.


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