Emotional Abuse Support Group

I've been noticing something about myself lately. It seems like I can fall so easily in love it's not normal. I'm still on that dating site and men send me messages and some I just write back and forth with but there are always a couple favorites that I joke around with. But as soon as one gets MORE than joking around there I go again. I'm IN LOVE. WTF? I never use to be like this. But it seems like I want to be in love and want to love a man who isn't abusive and isn't a liar. Unfortunately I've found only that a few times now, but lately didn't date the latest ones at all, but instead SAW THE RED FLAGS and LISTENED TO THEM. So I ditched those ones that I found caught in a lie more than on one occassion. As soon as I see a lie, that's it for me. So I'am making progress, weaning out the bad. But I still find that when I do think a man is a good guy don't see any red flags then right away I can fall in love with this man. Instantly! This at times chasing them away I've noticed so I'am learning to back it up and play cool with whoever it is. But I need some advice here, why em I like a puppy wanting to run and love someone and play love songs and do all that mushy stuff each time I think I found a good man? Right now I'm interested in a teacher, and he's handsome and so far no red flags. So yeah I could love him, of coarse I could!!!

Shelley,

I've felt this same way before. I think, though, it was just too soon for me. It was all rebound stuff. I think I was in love with being in love. I so badly wanted everything to work out good, I thought it was love immediately. Unfortunately it doesn't always happen like that, ...even rarely. You have to remember, even dogs are good candidates for abuse, they love people no matter what they are like.

I'm in love with the idea of being in love as well. I have come to realize that I think, but it's like eating potatoe chips I can't stop it. I do want everything to be okay again and to have the love of a man. The kids love me of coarse, but as we all know the love a partner gives you is a different kind of love. I somehow have it all mixed up where I think because someone is attracted to me they will love me, when alot of times it's just lust and no strings attached for them anyway. I have strings attached always, I can't just want casual sex without a relationship. So I discuss the strings part and they get scared or whatever. I'm thinking of giving up actually and just doing things with the kids all the time and giving up on men. But even the thought of that kinda depresses me. WHY!!!! I think I'am part dog I love and have loved people no matter what they have done to me and the first man to look my way I'm thinking of kissing them (licking if I was a real dog lol) and yeah I have stayed with my abusive husbands for 16 years and then 10 years just like a dog would stay all loyal no matter what the treatment. The rebound stuff is something to think about as well, maybe it is and I just want to move on from my abuser so much that I want to be in love with someone else, and even thought I was for awhile there when I was dating that lying Daryl guy. Maybe there's a deep down feeling of being afraid that I will go back to my abuser if I don't move on! I don't know.

Hi, Shelley, not sure if I have met you before...

Another thing I have done, and what you might be feeling, is feeling hurt and unloved so that you want to find someone to love and to love you. That makes you feel good and needed and useful. I know I have felt that way before and acted upon it. Remember, you may feel the kindness and friendship and all, but you (and I) do not need to act on it, if it is not the right time and we are not ready for it.

Hugs.

Hey Shelly,

I know what you mean, I wish I could fall in love, but from what it sounds like I think your taking a pretty good pace. Who doesnt want to be in love? We deserve it right! Anyways I am having the problem of not getting close at all or wanting to meet new people so I give you props for just getting out there. I really dont think that you would go back to your abuser. Shoot, I got a text from mine a couple of days ago because we had a decent conversation over the phone, then he text that his goal is still to win me back geez right. It's okay to get giddy and the fact that you drop them when you see the red flags. Have fun honey!

I have a theory about this! I think there is a lot to be said about wanting to find love that doesn't hurt, and that's normal. I also think though, that since the nature of abuse is to completely destroy any sense of self or boundaries, we then seek the safety of another person's boundaries instead of building our own self back up, or wanting that safety TO build our own self back up. Like we are setting a tent up in someone else's backyard because that's easier and faster and feels more secure than building a whole new house. We have acclimated to depending on another person instead of ourselves...

I'm not an "in love" sort of person so forgive me if it's a bit "overanalyzing" here...I don't think what you are feeling is in the least bit unusual. I would just take it as a sign that you aren't ready yet...as far as I know, the best and healthiest relationships come after the person is content to be alone.

I understand your desire to be loved, especially with everything you have been through. I really think you need to learn to love yourself first. When my first husband and I divorced after he cheated on me numerous times, I felt a need to be needed. I wanted to know others found me desirable. With every guy I was willing to change everything about me for them. I would be willing to change religions, like everything they liked, etc. After a couple months, I would find something wrong with them and break up with them. This time, I want to spend time getting to know myself and what my likes are. I want to know who I am, what I stand for etc, before I meet someone new. Being attracted to someone new is a great feeling. I have seen it act like a drug for some people. I have seen people get out of one marriage, or relationship, immediately jump into another, only to get hurt again.

Here is the way I see it. Shelley, You are like an investment. You invest in yourself, but maybe you don't let it grow very long. You get into a relationship, and if it isn't a healthy relationship, that investment is gone in a flash. But, if you spend time investing in yourself, letting the investment grow as big as possible, then you are at less risk of losing everything if you get into an unhealthy relationship. That is, if you learn to see the warning signs and get out early.

Shelley,Make your aim to make good friends and have fun.Be cautious and take things VERY slowly.Remember anyone that tries to rush you into a relationship or a "love" committment is probably an abuser.Someone who is truly interested in you for the right reasons will be willing to take lots of time to get to know you.You are worth the time and effort.A good friend is a prize that will last long after the glitter of a short term attraction rubs off.Take time to rediscover yourself and love yourself.

Lanna