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06/21/2011 10:40 AM

New here, feeling overwhelmed.

Starling789
Starling789Posts: 13
New Member

I left my husband almost three weeks ago. I am feel like I am losing my mind. I was able to go a week without talking to him, but talked to him three times last week. The first two times went well, and he seemed caring. The third time, I knew that it had all changed. He went back into telling me that when he got married it was for life. He kept implying that I just walked out on our marriage. He twists every word that I say and manipulates everything until I can't tell which way is up or down. After that phone call I knew that I should never have taken any of his phone calls and was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. At 4:15 AM he started calling me on my cell phone. I put it on silent. When I checked it at 6:30 AM before going to work I had 84 missed calls. He terrifies me even though he never hit me, his behavior is intimidating and erratic. I am always on edge.

I just feel like he has to always be the victim. He acts like he deserves a good life and I'm suppose to make that happen. But no matter what I did it was never enough. He even blamed me for his watching porn. When I got upset about the porn, he told me "If you would fulfill me I wouldn't have to watch it." I begged him to get help so many times.

I've been having a lawyer deal with him the whole time about our possessions. I bought the house a year before we got married so it is all in my name. He moved out last weekend. When I talked to him last week he said he was leaving all the furniture. When I told him to take the furniture that was his before our marriage and what was bought during the 5 years we were married he said "I won't have room for it." He is moving into an apartment, there is no way that he won't have room for it. I feel like he just said that to make me feel guilty and to portray himself as a victim. Today I went over to have the locks rekeyed and to check out the house. He left so many things. I am feeling overwhelming anxiety.

I know this was long, but I don't have anyone to talk to that understands.

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06/21/2011 10:53 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14588
Group Leader

Hi and welcome to the group! I am sorry for all you have gone through and are going through. Abusers can always produce overwhelming anxiety in their victims and yours is no different. Everything you said about him is textbook abuser. They twist your words, blame you for their actions, project their own behaviour onto you, have a strong sense of entitlement, a low opinion of women and a need to control.

Even though you are leaving him, I highly urge you to read our group bible, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft has worked with thousands of abusers for nearly 20 years and really knows how they think and act. After getting only halfway through this book, you will have total clarity of your situation ... I promise. It's like finding out how a magician does all of his tricks. Once you know, his abuse, past, present and future, will lose its effect on you.

Below is a link to Bancroft's book on Amazon where you can read reviews of it (as well as reading reviews of it on our website in a thread entitled "Bancroft Book - Testimonials). You can get it at any bookstore though or even the public library. If your library doesn't have it, ask if they can get it for you via inter-library loan.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/ 0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1308678489&sr=1-1


06/21/2011 11:32 AM
momofbnb
momofbnb  
Posts: 259
Member

Hi,welcome to the group. I've only been here for a couple of weeks and it has helped me a lot.

You bascially described my abusive soon to be ex who has been out of the house for 2 months. what you describe is "crazy-making"-where the abuser can actually make you feel like you are going crazy, doubting yourself,doubting what you heard or saw. Going back and forth between different "personalities" making themselves the victim.

Just know that you are not alone and won't be judged here. Feel free to share your story or opinion on the different discussions.


06/21/2011 11:33 AM
momofbnb
momofbnb  
Posts: 259
Member

Starling check out the discussion on diferent types of abusers.

06/21/2011 02:11 PM
Starling789
Starling789Posts: 13
New Member

Thank you very much. I just feel so alone because I have been isolated from my friends and family for the last 5 years. I just got the Lundy book after reading about it on here. I've only read a few pages here and there but I read the part about different types of abusers and he is the Demand Man and The Victim. Every line described him! It helps me realize that I am not crazy. I've been so emotional lately. Every time I showed any type of emotion with my husband he would get angry with me so I think I just bottled them up and now I'm having to start dealing with them. He always wanted what he wanted when he wanted it and it was hell to pay when it didn't work out exactly like he wanted.

06/21/2011 03:43 PM
brokensmile
brokensmile  
Posts: 55
Member

Welcome,

I joined this group because I was feeling completely isolated and alone the people here are wonderful. I can completely understand the not having anyone to talk to who understands that was me for a whole lot of years but that is the wonderful thing about this forum we all on some level can understand what you are going through. Glad the book helped it did wonders for me too Smile Anyway welcome again and I send strength and hugs.

-Brokensmile


06/21/2011 04:04 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14588
Group Leader

Starling, I'm glad you got the book and that even the few pages you've read have been a revelation. Find the section on abusers and anger and read that. It sounds a lot like what you are talking about with having learned to stuff your emotions.

06/22/2011 02:05 AM
mem8980

Welcome Starling, you are in the right place and you have the right book so you should be alright Smile

xx


06/22/2011 02:47 AM
Tryingtomanage
TryingtomanagePosts: 99
Member

Wow Starling,

I am thinking about you...and wish you well. I think you are right about no contact. My husband went out of town yesterday and I plan on calling around to storage places so that i can start moving all my stuff while he is gone. And I have already decided that when i leave i will have no contact. He has even cried in the past. Maybe he meant it maybe he didnt but I can't really worry about him! I have to start thinking about getting myself healthy.


06/23/2011 06:17 AM
Starling789
Starling789Posts: 13
New Member

Thank you all so much. I can't tell you how much the support means to me.

Meg-I looked up the section you recommended and it was exactly what I needed to hear. It was like Lundy had a bird's eye view of my marriage. It shocks me how well it fit our relationship. He did act like he was the only one that had the right to be angry.

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