Emotional Abuse Support Group

I've been married to him for 25 years and am still married to him. I still live with him. I only realized over the past few weeks how bad the emotional abuse has gotten. I have not contacted a lawyer yet and have recently started individual counseling. My h also started individual counseling this past week.

We went to dinner and I told him no sex until I get my act together. I then told him again after I got home no sex. Ever since I've said I need to figure out what I'm doing, he has gotten worst.

It's no use trying to argue or rationalize with him, kariva. It doesn't matter what really happened, it doesn't matter what you say...you know that old childhood saying "I'm rubber and you're glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you"? That's an abuser's viewpoint of the conversation. I know this is easier said than done too, but don't fret too much about how your kids are seeing this. As you can get to healing, you will be in a better place to offer them perspective. I am sorry though, it makes me angry that things happen this way.

Kariva, I really feel for you. As far as your kids whether or not they admit it, they know who/what their dad is. Maybe not by a label,but still.

When I got a restraining order 2 months ago and I told my 2 kids,and my son looked at me with pride all over his face, eyes beaming and said "I didn't think you were ever going to do it," I was sad at his doubts, but having my 13 yr old praise me for it was a defining moment.

Also, only you know when the time is right to take action. Just don't wait for your adult kids...they are moving on with their life...shouldn't You be able to do the same?...

Thanks so much for the replies. It just baffles me that here I sit broken and he goes to work and kisses me goodbye and acts perfectly normal. Yesterday, he told me I need to "get over it". Really? Really? I was sexually assaulted and he wants me to "get over it?" I could have had him arrested. He still has no clue. It's funny but last night I was moping on the couch and he was chattering happily away. I realized it was because that is how he wants me. Down and out. Everytime I show some sign of being happy, he tries to put me back into that mopey self. NO MORE!

Kariva, my abuser told me to "get over it" four days after my dad died suddenly of a heart attack and this was from a man who'd already lost both of his parents by that time so he well knew what it was like. This is just part of their warped value system. They definitely have a low opinion of women, but they don't have a high opinion of anyone else either, except themselves. THEIR feelings are the only ones that matter to them, unless they are trying to make someone else feel badly about something.

So I went to counseling this am. I told her what happened and she wants me to continue working on me and to keep reading the books I have. She is also working with my h and will see him Monday so I am sure she will bring it up to him. She said the alcohol probably contributed and had he not been drunk, he probably would have just said something. She also said this in no way excuses his behavior or the fact he was so rough and bruised me. I feel better after talking to her about it.

No doubt the alcohol contributed, but I strongly believe that drunk men speak with sober men's tongues so while the alcohol may have "allowed" him to hurt you, it didn't put the desire to hurt you in his mind.

Yeah I hear you. I'm so confused now. I mean I was hoping she would see it as I saw it.

Well, just because she has a degree doesn't necessarily mean she knows more than you. Also, she may not be very experienced working with abusers and abuse victims. One of the abuse victims on this board is married to a person ... an abuser ... who is studying to become a therapist.

She said she specialized in domestic violence. I don't get it.