Hey Anonym,
I left my abuser 6 months ago. I too felt very guilty about leaving him. I had a infant child who had just turned one, and he had an older daughter that I had taken care for almost three years when I finally decided to leave.
The longer I stayed away, the less guilty I felt. The more he tried to prove to me that he had changed, the more I wanted to stay away.
He hadn't really changed at all, he just thought he had. But he still treated his mother like crap, to the extent where she was kicking him out regardless of whether he had a place to live or not.
Even after he swore he had changed, we had a fight one day when our children were with us, and it was all over getting lost trying to find a restraunt to go eat at. He verbally abused me in front of the children, spat in my face which pissed me off so bad that I went to slap him. I realized I was about to and I stopped and he kept screaming that he could have me in "JAIL" for assaulting him. He verbally abused me at the restraunt in front of the children. A random lady stood up and told him to stop and that it wasn't appropriate for us to be arguing in front of the children. He told her to go sit down. When she did, he raised his voice at me and asked me if I felt vindicated and better now that the "fat bitch" came over to stand up for me.
All this time, he was getting angrier and angrier with me because I wouldn't respond to him. I could barely look at him. How dare he tell me he has changed and then think its even remotely okay to treat me the way he was treating me. I felt so bad for that lady too, she was sitting right behind him with her daughter who looked slightly older than Jenny's age. And her daughter had to hear him call her mother a fat bitch.
After we left the restraunt, Jon had a panic attack and started jumping out of the vehicle while I was driving him home from the restraunt on the highway with our girls in the back seat. His older daughter saw the whole thing and was traumatized by it.
The point to my story is, do not for one second feel guilty about leaving. Just because he can't see that he has a problem doesn't mean that he doesn't have a problem. It certainly doesn't mean that you have to stay with him and put up with him just because he "thinks" he is in love with you either.
You can't live your life for someone else. I mean I guess you can, but there really isn't a point unless you are in love with them yourself.
By the sounds of the way this guy was treating you, he by no means deserves your love. And if he swears up and down how much he loves you, he should be asking himself why in gods name should "YOU" be in love with "HIM".
Jon was devestated when I left him too. You know why? Because he no longer got to live at my home for free. He no longer got nightly back massages. He no longer had someone to take his daughter to school for him in the morning. He no longer had someone to do his laundry. He no longer had someone to cook a full course meal every night. He no longer had someone that he could make feel worse than himself.
I'm really not sure what it was, but for some reason he had a very low self esteem...probably cause he hasn't had his drivers license in 8 years, he still has warrants out for his arrest, he can't save any money because he was spending it all on drugs and material possessions that only clutter our house.
The point is, even the ones that do have something going right in their life are abusive because they can't see any thing positive in their life. They only see the negative. Even you, some one they supposedly "love", is responsible for everything that goes wrong in their life.
You are not guilty. You'll learn over time, especially when you start to really get your life back, how much better off you are with out him, and you'll be praying for the next girl he gets together with and debate on whether or not you should tell her the truth before she gets too involved with him.
good luck to you, let us know how it goes.
