Emotional Abuse Support Group

I just wanted to get some responses on children dealing with emotional abuse. My 10 and 13 year old and I have been victums of abuse for years. It wasn't always so obvious but has been increasing the last couple of years. We have been in counseling. My son had said that life was not worth living this way last year after his dad had come back after a 2 month trial seperation. In april my estranged husband was kicked out of the house due to my serving him a restraining order. Both of my kids are glad that he is out of the house, but go back and forth between hating him and loving him. I see them going through the cycle of abuse where they forget the bad just to deal with it. Their dad is also very good with the "pity-party" and playing the victum to screw with their minds. They asked me to start dating so that I could find them a good dad! I would love to have your comments on your children's reactions to emotional abuse.

The first book I read about abuse was called The Batterer as Parent by Lundy Bancroft. I didn't think it would apply very well since I assumed that a physical abuser was somehow essentially different from an emotional one, but I have since learned that that is not true and they are exactly the same. I picked it up because it was the same author as the book Meg recommends and as my relationship with my abuser is now strictly regarding our daughter, I wanted to know what I was in for. I hope this helps.

This is a very current and pressing issue for many of us. Our good friend Lundy Bancroft, in his book The Batterer as a Parent, outlines the critical elements to create an environment to help children traumatized by abuse (either by witnessing abuse to their mother or directly) following divorce or seperation. The following is taken from this book, abridged by myself. The book is written from a pretty clinical viewpoint so I'm taking what I think is most relevent to those needing the information, but I try to go word-for-word.

A Sense of Physical and Emotional Safety in Their Current Surroundings

The establishment of both the actuality and the sensation of safety is a first and indispensible step toward any process of emotional healing from trauma and is likely to be especially important for children whose previous experience has included fear and danger.

Structure, Limits, and Predictability

A batterer's disciplining of his children tends to alternate between harshness and leniency, and the mother's authority is undermined by the battering. Structure, limits, and predictability are needed as a counterweight to the dynamics with which they have lived previously.

A Strong Bond to the Nonbattering Parent

Traumatized children need to be with a caregiver who is able to acknowledge, recognize, and bear witness to the child's pain. Research indicates that a strong mother-child relationship is an important contributor to resilience in children of battered women.

In order for mother-child bonds to be strong and healthy following exposure to a batterer, the following elements are necessary: a) the children must feel that their mother can now protect them; b)the children must recover their respect for her; and c)the children must feel that the surrounding social environment supports them in being close to her, countering any efforts by the batterer to shame them regarding their closeness to her.

Not to Feel Responsible to Taking Care of Adults

Children exposed to domestic violence can come to feel burdened with responsibility for the protection and care of their mother, father, or siblings. Specific elements recommended toward relieving this burden include adults using good judgement in deciding how much information to share with the children about adult lives and concerns, and the children coming to feel that their parents and siblings are healing from the emotional injuries that they suffered prior to and during the seperation.

Contact with the Battering Parent IF it Can Occur With Adequate Protection For Children's Physical and Emotional Safety

With the exception of a few cases of extraordinarily terrifying abuse or where he has abused the children directly, children generally wish to be able to continue to express their love for their father, to have him know them, and to be able to tell him about key events in their lives. They may also want reassurrance that he is not in overwhelming emotional distress. However this contact must not interfere with the other healing needs discussed, including the strengthening of the mother-child relationship.

A Strong Bond to Their Siblings

Children exposed to domestic violence often have unusually high levels of tension in their sibling relationships. Healing damaged relationships with siblings and drawing strength from sibling connections that have not been damaged severly can be important to recovery in children exposed to battering.

This is just a starting point, because as I'm sure you all know, abusers do their best to counter all the above.

Izzy has provided some great information here.

There are so many ways children are affected by abuse... I don't have much time at the moment but I feel like I should at least respond with a few things:

1) Self-esteem. It seems cliche perhaps, but self-esteem is monumentally important to a person's health and success in this world. Abuse DESTROYS self-esteem. This applies to you and your children. Without a self-esteem, abuse victims often don't even realize that they deserve better or that it can even BE better. People without proper self-esteem often start to think that somehow they deserve this treatment and can even feel guilty for experiencing joy. It is easy to see how quickly this could lead to major depression. It is important that children get plenty of encouragement, love, and understanding as they heal from an abusive situation.

2) Values. By being exposed to an abuser, children pick up an abuser's value system. Even if they are the victims of abuse, they will likely grow to employ similar tactics in the future if left unaddressed. In fact, it becomes an endless cycle. Abuse breeds a black-or-white mentality: you're either the abuser or the one getting abused. A lot of times that means the once abused becomes the abuser later on in life and continues the cycle. The acceptance of an abuser's behavior in the household also sets an example for children as to how to treat women (or men if the abuser is a woman). Getting the abuser out of the house is a great way to set new examples and start breaking the cycle!

The most important thing I think I can say though is that you definitely should keep an open dialogue with your children and be HONEST with them. You can explain things in terms they will better understand, but don't ever lie to them even if it seems easier to do so. They need to feel trusted and respected. It is going to be SO frustrating sometimes because abusers are famous for turning on the charm and poisoning peoples' minds with false hope, but you can be the stable force to help them through it. Talk to your children about their feelings and support them all you can. You might even consider getting them some therapy to help work out some of the issues that may be coming up.

Wow, that's some great info. Thanks.

Thanks Schefflera, Luckily we are very close and they share everything with me (the counsleor says we have a great bond) My kids are very very close although not very respectful to each other. They definately emulate some of their dads behaviors and we are working on it. Please keep in touch.

The book to which Izzy referred to is our group bible, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Not sure I gave you the link to it earlier on Amazon. You can read reviews of it there. You can get it at any bookstore though or your local library. If your library doesn't have it, ask if they can get it for you via inter-library loan.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/ 0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1307245442&sr=1-1

It's a great book and will really help you understand what you are dealing with and how your abuser thinks.

Also, we have a thread here with links to Lundy Bancroft's lecture on YouTube. It's a sticky'd thread (black push pin icon in front of it). I think you'd get a lot out of it.

Thanks I will check it out.

I am not a professional, nor am I telling you what you should do. I'm a victim of emotional, physical and mental abuse by my father. I'm 24, and have been dealing with abuse since I was 11 and my mother left because she couldn't take it anymore. From experience, please reinforce to your children that they are loved, appreciated, and have purpose. Stick with your decisions regarding them in life- they need structure and reassurance. Their emotional well-being needs to be nourished. To this day, my father phones to reinforce his "power" over me, belittling me, telling me that there's no where for me to go (even though I moved cities), that I'll never be loved (even though I have a fiancee and great friends), and generally that I am the most useless person to ever set foot on this earth- even though I'm putting myself through school for dental hygiene and pharmacy technician at the same time, am a hairdresser, and a dietary aide, and am active in my community church. No matter what I chose to do in life, it was wrong, not good enough, or stupid. Please reinforce to your children that they have purpose, that they are beautiful, and please encourage them.

With your ex, flip-flopping back and forth between being the 'good guy' and 'bad guy' is classic. This behaviour will not only confuse your children into being guilty for disliking him and how he makes them feel, but put them in a place where they feel incompetent and are made to feel like they SHOULD dislike YOU. Emotional abuse is huge. It impacts every aspect of your life. I previously came to the conclusion that I would remain single for the rest of my life and focus on bettering myself because I would never be in an emotional state to properly love someone, or be loved. Emotional abuse affects EVERY aspect of your life- not only do I not feel good enough of desirable enough for my fiancee at times, but a B+ or A- in an extremely competitive program makes me upset until I take a breath and realize how ridiculous I am being.

I was afraid to cry for the longest time because I was taught it is a sign of weakness. Now I know different. Crying is a sign that you are strong, that you are facing your issues, accepting them for what they are, and moving on. Crying is a release from all of the abuse you have been put through, and for all of your suffering.

I have read numerous books on every aspect of abuse, and there are thousands more out there. A few that helped me beyond recognition are:

"The Dance Of Anger," A woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships, by Harriet G. Lerner - this book was recommended by my mother-in-law (to be). It was one of the ways she found strength to leave her abusive husband.

"Baby Steps To Happiness" by John Q. Baucom is an amazing book on how to find positivity and strength.

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship," How to recognize it, and how to respond, by Patricia Evans was the book that made everything clear. It set out clear and concise guidelines on verbal and emotional abuse, that it's not okay to feel this way, it's not okay to give them permission, and the mind/head games that are associated with it. One reason why I kept sticking around and kept forgetting the bad times with my dad was because I had hope that things would change. This book bluntly states that the abuser has the ability to change, but that they are in their own world where power is the only solution and that they obtain that power via abuse. This makes it extremely unlikely that they will change, and therefore it is best in certain situations if you move on and accept it for what is is, and get OUT. This book would be, in my opinion, an amazing read for your children when they're old enough. It will allow them to recognize (from an outside source), that they way that their father made them feel is not an isolated incident, that many people experience this, and it is NOT OKAY. This completely changes an abusive situation, because what abuse is there if you take yourself out of the equation?

I hope these recommendations help. I found this website in researching additional ways to cope with abuse. Since Christmas is soon approaching, and I will be in contact with my father more, I am to expect relentless abuse. Try to minimize the contact as much as possible. In your case, it would be yourself. Don't force your children to minimize contact, just stay supportive and open and a source of love and admiration for your children. Over time,and with your support, they will realize which course in life they want to take.

ExhaustedSad,

I went back and found this thread for you. Maybe this will be helpful.

Let me know. Read it from the beginning. (((HUGS)))