Emotional Abuse Support Group

There is a recurring problem and I just don't know what to do. It is the third morning in a row that my husband wakes me extremely early to have sex. I don't want him to think I don't want him so I just do it. I am just tired all the time because I am not getting enough sleep. I go to bed late while he goes early... So when he wakes me up I want to cry because I need to sleep. I am cranky at work and want to sleep all the time. I am praying for my period to start so he would just leave me alone. Is this normal? I just wish he would let me sleep. Just one night. Saturdays is even worse because he wakes up early and then he wants to talk and I look forward to my sleep-in on Saturdays... When Sunday comes I am exhausted and I just can't anymore. I am writing exam tomorrow and i just know tomorrow morning he will wake me up again at 4:00... How to I approach him?

Lulu, are you afraid of what he'll say or do if you turn him down? Sex should ALWAYS be a consensual thing and it is unacceptable for you to be pressured or bullied into sex by your own husband. He can take care of those urges another way you know *ahem*!

Is it that you don't want to have sex with him at all or just not at those times? (Either is totally acceptable by the way!) I don't know your situation exactly but I would way the first step would be to talk to him about it and explain that either A) you're not always in the mood but you feel obligated to have sex with him and that you won't be giving in to pressure any more or You don't want to have sex early in the morning because it makes you groggy for the rest of the day (and then offer an alternative time perhaps?)

His reaction to this conversation might give you a lot of clues... if he is loving and understanding he will be appalled that you felt pressured and be concerned with your well-being, if he is using sex as a form of control he will likely try to make this somehow "your fault" (and again, there's nothing wrong with not wanting sex!). Be ready for that!

If you can't talk to him honestly about this, then what does that say of your relationship? Abusers use sex for control and that's what this sounds like to me. I caught mine twice trying to have sex with me when I was sleeping. How can a person be aroused by someone who isn't even conscious? That's creepy. Could it be that he's doing this purposely just waiting for you to voice an objection so he can use it against you?

Post edited by: Meg1129, at: 05/31/2011 06:50 AM

LuluS,If he cared anything about you he would be sensitive to YOUR needs and not be so selfish.You are not obligated to have sex with him.Sex should be a mutually satisfying experience between two people.Not a chore you feel you must perform.Tell him how you feel.Be prepared for an abusers response.That is who he is.An abuser.

Lanna

Post edited by: Lanna, at: 05/31/2011 07:05 AM

I spoke to him and surprise surprise... it was anther setup. Now he will never touch me again. I will have to approach him... All I wanted was understanding... oh well, he will NEVER change. I will not take this to heart because I know who it is coming from.

your comment about Never touching you again brought back so many memories of fights concerning sex, emotional support and so on... where my ex, always turned the argument against me.... to the extreme... just like that..... Wow.... these men are something else arent they? Im starting to wonder if there are any good one out there..... seriously?????

Lulu, I am sorry. I know that a while ago you were so hopeful that he was different. But it is good you know for sure that it isn't you with the problem!

It's in the Bancroft book that abusers waking you up is just another control issue and obviously common enough to go in the book. Particularly when he knows there is something important the next day - the message is I am more important than YOU. Don't think anything you do is too important for ME to ruin.

What is your plan now? I remember that you went back on condition he'd changed and were going to be able to leave as soon as he showed that he hadn't changed as you had a new job?

xx

donnafaye, they are out there. I am married to a good man. But you really have to be able to see those red flags and understand where abuse comes from. That is why is SERIOUSLY important to read Bancroft's book. before I married him I dated another man that SEEMED nice but had a lot of those red flags, and as time went on I got more and more uneasy. That was before I knew what I do about abuse, but you've got to listen to your gut and not make excuses, and you'll be able to weed them out.

There is a broadway musical that I adore that has two particular quotes in it that just touch base with me and seem to speak to reality...Prince Charming says, "I was raised to be charming, not sincere" and Little Red Riding Hood, after the wolf befriended her then tried to eat her, makes the observation that "nice doesn't always mean good."

Post edited by: Izzy87, at: 05/31/2011 10:33 AM

LuluS,I am so sorry things worked out that way for you.You don't deserve to be treated like that.What an obnoxious jerk he is.

HUGS.Lanna