It took me three days to post here, court was already on Wednesday and now I am slowly recovering from all this stress. It was a shock after all to face him again and hear his voice, his lies. Patricia Evans (author of the "Verbally abusive relationship", I went to her seminar last weekend in CA, will report in another thread about this) said, that it actually really does take 3 days to get over the effects even if it is just as simple as seeing his name printed on a check or seeing his email address, it can highly affect us.
When I was in the witness stand (for a full hour!) I cried once when my attorney asked me about the strangling incident. She later told me that I already convinced the judge at this point because my entire body froze up. She took me back to all the incidents that occured since we lived together again the past one year and 4 months and there were a lot. I was prepared and faced them all. I was nervous before what his attorney will cross examine me with but it turned out to be harmless since she her tactic of portraying me as the bad drug addict were dismissed as irrelevant by the judge since my trauma therapist had demonstrated my intense trauma bond and my coping skill was self-medication. She also attempted to nail me because one sentence that I said on the witness stand was not written in the initial restraining order and she accused me of fabricating this now. I really don't know why this would not have been written when I got the r.o., I must have been too nervous to notice back then.
Hint to everybody who's planning to get a r.o.: Make sure that you report every little detail, every word that was said during the incident because his attorney might portray you as a liar later for forgetting it.
So contrary to my expectations I got through the cross examination really well and his attorney did not win with her strategy.
When I left the witness stand and returned to my seat next to my attorney though I broke down in tears, especially because I had to look at him in the witness stand directly. My tears however dried up quick when by his 3rd sentence or so when I realized how much he was lying about everything. It was so disgusting to watch. He denied almost everything that had happened. He said that he was holding our son close to him to protect him from the cold, of course he did not shake him and throw him, no it was just the opposite, Your Honor!!
The best story he invented was that our hobby together was to watch "1000 ways to die" on Spike TV (I don't even have Spike TV!)and he simply wanted to share a new video he had found about the voulchers eating a naked woman down to the bones. It was our hobby!!! It was never a death threat, of course not. I had to hold myself not to laugh out loud at this point, my attorney constantly squeezed me not to laugh during his deposition. In reality it was once again truly sad.
The judge ordered a ten minute break and my attorney was prepared to cross examine him severly by starting off with "So you are the victim in all this!" It never came to this point. When the judge returned she said that she had heard enough and she is ready to issue the restraining order. So she did not believe a word he had said. My attorney said that this never happened to her before that the cross examination gets dropped. I was however dissapointed that she only issued it for one year. It can be renewed, I don't know what the requirements are for this.
What was the worst is that the judge forgot to order him back to his seat so he reamined in the witness stand directly facing me and he was staring at me for a good 10 minutes. Torture pure! At one point I looked straight at him and shook my head to express how impossible he lied and he shook his head back to express "How did we end up here and what are you doing to me?" I did not look back anymore after this and tried to distract myself by talking to my attorney but I could feel his stare all the time. Later I also had to listen to his voice again for 5 minutes because he called my gardener to finally arrange the pick up of all his stuff and I heard how he said that he did not want the TV and the barbecue and he can keep them and sell it.
Especially throughout his deposition it was so strange to hear his voice, it sounded so deep, so different. I wish I could have taped the entire hearing. I believe one year is not enough because I could feel it through his stare that he will be back for me and that it was his way of saying goodbye to me. I really won because I am sure he did not expect to get a one year order to stay away from me at all since he had mentioned to my babysitter before that I will take him back soon anyways. Later I actually felt guilt that I did not mention that he is not a mean calculated person and does not plan harm but his rage outbreaks are so impulsive and I hope he will get help for his and our son's sake, and that I wish him well. I will try to bring this in the other hearing.
The days after the court decision I felt depressed even though I should have been joyful. Maybe it was reality finally sinking in that I won't see him anymore (one more time in court later only) for a full year and that I really did it. Just four months ago I was still in the middle of the daily horror of our relationship and I really succeeded in keeping him away from me even though I never had any evidence of physical violence.
So to anyone out there who is having doubts: It is possible! Just dare to do it!
Now I have to prepare for the custody hearing in June, again with a new judge, this will be the 3rd judge now. My attorney already ordered a home study to be done for him which evaluates if it is suitable where he lives (cheap hotel) for visitations. My biggest concern right now is that I need to find out if my sole custody from Germany is valid here as well which would give me a bigger chance that I will gain the right to move back to Germany. I know he will try everything possible to prevent me from this and I will fight until the bitter end!
