Emotional Abuse Support Group

From Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" (pages 59 and 60):

"The abusive man's problem with anger is almost the opposite of what is commonly believed. The reality is:

YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.

One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn't rise and your blood shouldn't boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you - as will happen to any abused woman from time to time - he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are.

Why does your partner react so strongly to your anger? One reason may be that he considers himself above reproach. The second is that on some level he senses ... that there is power in your anger. If you have the space to feel and express your rage, you will be better able to hold on to your identity and to resist his suffocation of you. ... Finally, he perceives your anger as a challenge to his authority to which he responds by overpowering you with anger that is greater than yours."

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/ 0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1299728125&sr=1-1

So how does your abuser handle your anger?

That might as well have the name of my husband in it, it's EXACTLY him!! That really answers the reason why I can't get a word in edge wise about the things he has done. He always makes me feel stupid like I'm discussing something about aliens or some dame thing. And yeah, when he makes my blood boil because of all of his denial, then he tells me who's the abusive one here, I'm not the one yelling or ranting and raving. It's enough to pull your hair out or try to jump him to the ground!!!

There IS power in your anger. That's why feeling angry, thought not an enjoyable feeling, is a good sign of healing from an abusive relationship. Depression is anger turned inward. When we can allow ourselves to feel our anger and express it outward (in a healthy manner), THAT is a very good thing. It's useless to deny feeling angry because feelings don't go away. They just lie in your emotional basement waiting to be dealt with.

My husband was terrible in an argument. I rarely got angry, I'm a very laid back person. It takes a lot to get me angry. Of course he gave me a lot! lol! So, naturally, I did sometimes get angry and lose my temper.

He would just get angrier, scarier, intimidating, shouting, swearing etc. I was scared of him when he would lose his temper (he is a foot taller than me and a lot bigger) so I probably just stopped raising my voice or showing anger. Then he would tell me I was condescending and judgemental and thought I was better than him etc etc.

I have been dealing with anger since we separated. Not, interestingly, anger at what he's done (as it's done and nothing I can do about that now) but anger at what he's continuing to do. I still get occasional urges to shout WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE NORMAL (but with lots more swear words in it!!). I have found that I need to burn up that anger rather than ignore it. I either work hard for a couple of hours round the house and garden, or take the dog for a long peaceful walk, or scream at the top of my voice in the car. I also when I'm alone and unheard (so usually in the car!) sometimes shout all the things I've wanted to say to him. Then I feel loads better, because I get a similar response to if I did shout at him (i.e. nothing changes) :=)

I agree, anger is a good and normal reaction to how these people treat us. Anger turned inwards will only hurt us.

xx

Wow - I can so relate to that. I was always very quiet, my husband is 4 years older we met when I was 16 (typical of types I read in that book) I think he felt he could control me - and for years I let him, bc I didn't have to really "think" for myself, he had "cool" friends... etc.

"Depression is anger turned inward. When we can allow ourselves to feel our anger and express it outward (in a healthy manner), THAT is a very good thing. It's useless to deny feeling angry because feelings don't go away. They just lie in your emotional basement waiting to be dealt with."That is me! I held it in so long I broke down - bouts of depression, bc if I voiced any anger he would out shout me everytime, so it wasn't worth the chaos IMO. I I would hold it in, and FEEL my heart being stabbed,, literally - I knew that wasn't healthy..

Then it started coming out like a volcano - I would get angry but couldn't hold it in, and chaos reigned in our home for a long time.. now I'm on meds which help, as is he... but I STILL have moments where I just EXPLODE and want to run down the street as fast as i can screaming, and something small may bring it on - griping about dinner or something...

That is sooo right on Meg...

I don't know your medical conditions, Behindthemask, but it makes me sad to hear that you are using meds to hold in anger that you have every right to feel! I know you can't voice your anger to him, but have you tried writing it in a letter? You don't have to give it to him - just get it out! How about if you took a martial arts course or sat in your car in a secluded spot and screamed? What if you put his picture up on the wall in your house when he's gone and screamed and threw stuff at it? You need to express your anger, not medicate it!

I've been on antidepressants for several years now. The thing is, I didn't even KNOW I was angry at my ex-husband until I read a book called "His Needs, Her Needs." Then it hit me like a hammer, I was so angry at him for not even making an effort to meet my needs. I was wearing myself out meeting his, but I was getting nothing in return. He didn't even try! I made more money for him and he could have gone to school for training for FREE and he turned it down. TWICE! Suuurrrrre, just ride along on my paycheck!

How is it we can go along for years without even knowing we are angry? Once I started getting more information about abuse, I found I have been angry at my Dad for many years, but felt I had no reason to be. WRONG! Is anger like stress where we get used to it a little at a time and we don't even know it's building up? Sort of like that frog in the pan of slowly heating water.....

Post edited by: mysecretlife, at: 05/27/2011 07:35 AM

Secret, you've read some great books that I never even heard of! Would you mind giving us a review of them now and then whenever you get a chance? I'll bet a lot of people besides me would love that!

Sure, thanks!

I think I have that book secret but didn't finish it bc I got too mad LOL

Same with some Christian fiction romance stories.. at first I thought they were helpful, but it actually shined a spotlight on areas of my marriage that were sooo far from the ones in the books!! I stay away from romance movies and books now... I have enough anger apparently LOL

This has been a good place for me to vent so I hope that helps, and I need to go back to my therapist (will do no matter what he says). Oh wow, if you could have heard me sooo many times after a fight, go into my room, then closet screaming "ASSHOLE" into a pillow - that gave me some relief... maybe not the right way to do it