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05/24/2011 08:57 AM

Another bad phone call.

whiterose35
whiterose35  
Posts: 544
Member

I didn't expect to be posting so soon but here it goes.I just need support right now,I feel like the end of the rope is dangling right in front of my eyes!What to do?Just got off the phone with this evil person(yes him).He knows after 6 months I'm finally getting my hair cut and a little color so of course I've talked for over a month about how much I wanted to have it done or just cut but boyfriend would NEVER help me pay for it no way!So my father has given me the money and I go today.I got on the phone with him this morning after keeping our conversation short last night after my therapy meeting(I put it on speaker phone and walked away b/c I honestly didn't even want to hear his voice.We had been arguing before my meeting b/c I couldn't sit by the phone beforehand and I had a few errands to run so when he did his call check in I didn't pick up.When I did call him yesterday he got a major attitude with me and I said I had to run into the gas station and I'd call him right back,"he started screaming then why in the hell did you even call me"etc.So again this morning I told him apt time&then he asked me again to" confirm"the time and then he wanted to know how long it would take when would I be home,when was I calling him,etc.I just said well I'm happy that my father is paying for this b/c I couldn't do it and you said you weren't going to help me with it."He got pissed your better off than I am you have more money than I do".I said I'm on disability and live with parents I don't even own a car.I said you have a full time job,full time benefits paid vacation days every month of the year,a brand new car,a house,you take vacations,have a savings account,a boat,etc.How Am I better off than you?I told him I was sick of his shit and comparing our financial situations all the time.He told me,"Well you can kiss my ASS,I don't give a f8ck"and slammed the phone down on me.It never fails everytime I have something big planned HE Ruins it then he BLAMES me and tells me I started a fight and it's all my fought.Help please.I'm so upset and angry and angry and fed up and I want to scream and cry and I'm so hurt by all of this crap.

Sincerely,

Whiterose35

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05/24/2011 09:55 AM
mysecretlife
mysecretlife  
Posts: 637
Member

Whiterose, all his ups and downs must feel like an emotional roller coaster. He is an abuser and he will not change. He lives in a whole different reality than you do. For him, every convesation is a win or lose situation and he HAS to win. Even if it's none of his business - like your hair. You can't please him - he will change the goal if you ever meet it. Believe me, that's NOT love.

You can do so much better - and you DESERVE better. Dump him and get your emotional issues healthy again. You do not owe him anything. You don't have to pick up the phone if you don't want to, and you don't even need a reason other than you just didn't want to. And yes, you have a right to call what he's doing ABUSE. No one deserves that.

Do your parents know how he treats you?


05/24/2011 10:33 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14588
Group Leader

Oh boy, have I been there! I loved when you said that every time you have something big planned, he ruins it. That's exactly what abusers do. I cannot count the number of birthdays, holidays and vacations mine ruined. (BTW, never go on a cruise with an abuser because then you are REALLY trapped!) As for your new 'do, he's upset because the attention is not on him right now and that's why he's trying to ruin it for you. Also, he doesn't want you to be feeling good about yourself, which you will after you get hair done. Remember that for abusers, it's all about control and in order for him to have control, all the attention needs to be on him all the time.

BTW, just wondering how often you talk to him every day. It seems like a lot. Maybe you could start distancing yourself from him by cutting down on the number of times you talk to him daily. I'm not saying don't talk to him every day ... just cut it down a bit. If you usually talk to him say five times a day, go down to four.


05/24/2011 10:48 AM
Izzy87
Izzy87  
Posts: 2731
VIP Member

Meg I am glad you are the group leader, you are much better at the baby step thing than me lol

05/24/2011 11:30 AM
whiterose35
whiterose35  
Posts: 544
Member

Oh yes.Birthdays ruined he makes me feel guilty for the money he spends same for christmas.Anything special that might now involve him is always ruined by his accusations and constant questioning.For the longest time he has said he does this because he loves me and just needs "reassurance".I've given him all the friggin reassurance I can!I need reassurance.I'm so exhausted from his crap.Total crap.He will call about 4 on the dot.We average about 4-5 calls a day.At night when I try to get off the phone I get "what are you really doing,are you Sure your going to bed"?The next morning I get "so what time did you go to sleep last night"?Are these normal boyfriend/girlfriend questions?????

I've been so confused with the blinders on knowing something is wrong but blaming myself b/c I don't give him enough of me.I don't drive to his house b/c of my panic attacks.I don't give enough,so I feel guilty,he tells me I should be spending money on him(which I don't unless it's birthday,anniversary,easter,christmas,you get the idea I hope).So I should be paying for our matinee movies,I should be giving him gas money or sucking his private part b/c he drove to see me.Puke,I want to puke.I am distancing myself.Months ago if he had hung up on me I would call back crying or being completely angry and stay on the phone till I literally was shaking and couldn't breathe.I don't do that anymore.So I'm proud of myself for not letting his hanging up on me throwing me into begging for an apology which I never ever get.

Whiterose35


05/24/2011 02:16 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14588
Group Leader

LOL, Izzy!

Whiterose, his abuse has nothing to do with your behaviour at all. It's all about him. Have you read the other posts here on our forum? Do you notice how a lot of other people's abusers sound like yours? They do the same things and that's because it's about their value system and their need to control, not about us. If you found any of his ex-girlfriends, I'm sure they would tell you much the same stories about him. His needing reassurance from you is a crock. It's not your job to reassure him. If he's insecure, he needs to get help from a therapist, not a girlfriend.


05/24/2011 02:28 PM
whiterose35
whiterose35  
Posts: 544
Member

Wow,Meg how different to hear.I'm so beaten down by this "you need to reassure me"all the time and for you to say it's crap pretty much.I'm sitting here like Really,Really I'm not crazy,I'm not wrong,I haven't done anything wrong for once someone here's me and understands me.Bless you dear Meg,I haven't heard anyone ever say that to me.I greatly appreciate reading this message.He hasn't called I'm sure he's expecting me to call.He knows what time my apt. is at,so I can tell Now that he's expecting me to call him after he told me to "kiss is as and he didn't give a f8ck anymore"b/c I wasn't listening to his B.S. and I was calling him out on it.Okay here's the very tough part getting home tonight and not calling him.What can I do,all I have is a phone he gave me to use so he could keep track of me all the time.My appointment is in 30 minutes and no word from him,of course no apology whatsoever.Oh crap he's calling now.I swear.I don't want to be upset tonight so I don't know what to do.When you say limit the phone calls I've tried and then he tells me

"Well if you want to barely speak I'm breaking up with you".I always get a threat when I don't abide by what he wants.

Whiterose35.Thanks again Meg.


05/24/2011 02:41 PM
Izzy87
Izzy87  
Posts: 2731
VIP Member

I would totally take him up on that break-up offer, whiterose. Seriously!!! Things aren't going to get better, that's for sure!

And what Meg said is EXACTLY why we don't use the word or concept of co-dependency. It really, honestly, truly has nothing to do with you. And no, it isn't normal for a boyfriend to be hounding his girlfriend with needing information on her whereabouts. Trademark need-for-control abuse behavior.


05/24/2011 02:42 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14588
Group Leader

Whiterose, his threats are not real. He needs you more than you need him. What's an abuser without a victim, right? I know you aren't ready for this step, but sometime when he threatens to break up with you, take him up on it. Say okay and that you think that would be a really good idea. Watch what he does. A few members on our board right now have taken their abusers up on their threats and the abusers were stunned. One member, Twilli, is in the process of getting a divorce. Her abusive husband came to her a few months ago and said he wanted one. She agreed. He was stunned, but she put the wheels in motion. Now he is trying to sabotage the whole divorce, but she is adamant. Like I said, he needs you more than you need him.

As for my telling you that his needing reassurance is crap, it is. Keep reading your Bancroft book. It's all in there ... and more!


05/24/2011 08:29 PM
whiterose35
whiterose35  
Posts: 544
Member

Got home and he called at 9:30 tonight.He wanted to rehash this morning blaming it all on me and how hateful I was to HIM!He said I made him talk that way to me and that he wasn't sorry unless I was.I told him I wasn't going to apologize for bringing up the fact that he never helps me do anything on a money level.I have to ask my parents to help me out all the time.He never offers anything.I feel scared and shaky and panicky.I told him I didn't want to hear any more and I got off the phone after 20 minutes.I didn't say I love you.Which hurts me when I can't say it.I don't want to say it when he treats me this way.He didn't say it either and that's that.We usually see each other on Wednesdays but I told him I probably won't be now I'm having a panic attack over it.I hope this feeling will pass but I have these attacks very bad when I get stressed or upset.Going to try to get some sleep and check in tomorrow okay.

Thanks for listening.

Whiterose35

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