Emotional Abuse Support Group

Today we were meant to have a parcel delivered, as I work from home I was meant to be there to sign for it.

Now I work upstairs and I had the office door open maybe 20 feet from the door, no one arrived to deliver anything, then later when I came down I found a card through the door saying they had tried to deliver it but had no response.

Now no one knocked the door at all, I think they just pushed the door bell which doesnt work and then carded us.

When she came home she really flipped over it, WHY HAD i IGNORED THE DOOR, i WAS ONLY INTERESTED IN WORKING, I DID IT ON PURPOSE ETC. I gave up trying to tell her they didnt knock, I know now that there is little point and I might as well just let her get on with her ranting.

anyway she phoned the delivery company and got them to redeliver the same afternoon, she answered the door and asked the man if he had knocked loudly, of course he said yes, he is hardly likely to say no is he?

once she had her parcel she then started again, saying WHAT A LIAR i WAS, SHE KNEW THEY HAD KNOCKED, I DIDN'T CARE, ETC.

I mean why wouldn't I answerI would have heard it, we have a proper door knocker !I really don't understand why she will take the word of a complete stranger over mine?

Post edited by: john4114, at: 04/05/2011 01:09 PM

Because that stranger was telling her what she wanted to hear. There was no way you were going to win that argument! When we were kids, we had a cat and a dog. The cat HATED the dog and the dog was kind of scared of him. We always reprimanded the cat when he spit or tried to swat the dog though. One day, my mom was coming down the stairs with a laundry basket and tripped on the bottom stair. She fell in the foyer and the dog ran to her. The cat seized that moment to jump on the dog and start clawing him. My mother threw herself over the dog to protect him as she tried to deflect the cat.

It was like the cat had been waiting all those months for the perfect opening ... the perfect opportunity to jump on the dog. He knew the dog didn't cause my mother to fall, but he took advantage of the opportunity and came at him with a vengence. That's how I would feel in situations like this. They know it's not your fault, but they aren't going to let a good opportunity to berate you and mentally abuse you further slip through their hands.

Wow why would she still be freakin out over it she got the package. And of course he's not gonna want to get in trouble duh.

Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. Like you'd just sit there and let them knock loudly but won't answer the door. She shouldn't take their word over yours, anyway. They're strangers; you're her significant other. I'd be mad, too

My abuser wasn't like this towards me, but it amazes me when hearing all your other stories about what INSIGNIFICANT reasons they find to flip out! Good heavens...

I've actually had delivery workers not knock on the door or ring the doorbell and then just claim I wasn't there to get the package (usually for something fairly heavy that they didn't want to lug up 3 flights of stairs). The next time I saw him I just told him that if he wants to check and see if I'm home before carting it upstairs he was welcome to knock before bringing the package. He was embarrassed about it but at least it solved the situation! So yeah, you're not the first person that has happened to for sure!

That woman sounds completely unreasonable though, as usual. John, surely there is a way for you to be able to get out of this situation? She seems to just sniff out reasons to get angry with you just for the fun of it! I think I'd rather be poor and alone than deal with that trainwreck to be honest, but that's just me... obviously I don't know your whole situation though.

I remember my father was terrified of leaving my mother thinking he couldn't afford it (in reality I know for a fact he could have but clung to excuses because he was scared.) I wished so many times that he would just work up the courage to take a chance on freedom and happiness.... and I also wish that happiness on you John. You deserve so much better than this!

oh she definately goes looking for reasons to get angry, I know whenever someone or something stresses her out she will not get angry at them or it, but will look for a reason to blame me for it, if she cant find one she seems to loom for a random thing that I havfe done or failed to do that she can shout at me for to release her stress.

She is obsessed with blame, things around the house can't just wear out and break she will always say it isn't her fault when for example the vacum cleaner dies when no one would dream of sayng it was, conversely when ever she can she blames me for things that are nothing to do with me.

last week she tripped on the stairs, didnt hurt her self but it was my fault for standing by the bottom step?? the next day I knocked my head on the tailgate of the car, again didnt hurt, just one of those things, I just cursed a bit and said ouch, her friend who was with us said, are you alright john, and came over, my wife just said well it wasn't my fault and walked away, didnt even ask if I was ok ???

she is repainting the walls at the moment, she wanted to do it to keep busy and I have offered to help several times, she says no thats ok she wants to do it.

then the next day she will be shouting at me saying how useless I am she even has to do the decorating as I won't get off my fat bottom to do it? crazy or what ?????

I really wonder what happened to her to make her like this (not that it excuses her from treating me like an emotional punchbag at all)

Post edited by: john4114, at: 04/09/2011 04:21 PM

Post edited by: john4114, at: 04/09/2011 04:28 PM

John, not that this would excuse her behaviour, but do you know if either of her parents were obsessed with blaming others for every little thing? I just wonder because of how quickly she points out that she is not to blame for things. It sounds a lot like the youngest of a family who gets blamed by the others for everything that goes wrong. Her behaviour actually sounds kind of paranoid ... and when you throw the window thing in ... hmmmm.

Post edited by: Meg1129, at: 04/09/2011 05:20 PM

this is a very familiar story to me. my first marriage ended after 25 years to a man that was controlling, emotionally and mentaly abusive. the "programming" still lives with me, it is not something that is easy to let go of. but everything that went wrong in life was always some one else's fault. he would never admit he had any part of any downfalls. when he would lash one of his tirades on me, it always ended with "I made him be that way" not matter that I did not engage in any conversation that would keep the tirade going.

I do believe my ex was definately paranoid, and maybe in todays mental health a bit bi polar. But what I did learn, that even if I did make mistakes no one deserves to live like that.

He would look for things to argue over so he could leave the house and was angry all the time. When I became fearful of my life, I had him removed, which made him go off on a major tirade.

Emotionally abusive people enjoy the control they over their "prey". They like that feeling of control it gives them, so it keeps them from seeing how flawed they really are.

I am sorry John to hear you are going through this. My thoughts will be with you and feel free to drop me a line anytime...I would like to say it gets better, but......

that may be unfair.

Meg, you make a great point... I'm TERRIFIED of people blaming me for things now because my family always blamed (and still do blame) me for everything. The idea of being the one to blame for something, no matter how insignificant, was the most shameful role of all. I find myself freaking out over the tiniest things just at the thought of someone possibly thinking that I did something wrong! The thing is I actually realize it, so I don't take my anger out on others... but I still feel that panic inside.